HELP ME PLEASE!!!
I don't even know where to begin. I've been married almost 3 years and I feel like I'm living in HELL!! I feel like I made the wrong decision getting married to my husband. I love him so much but I feel like I'm starting to resent him. His kids are absolutely HORRIBLE. Every single time they come to our house we end up arguing. It never fails. We can never enjoy ourselves when they are with us. We stay stuck in the house because their behavior is so terrible. He refuses to discipline them like he should because he has hang-ups about how his mother raised him. Apparently she didn't spare the rod. His kids are disrespectful, rude and have to be "retrained" every week. The girls are about to be 9 and his son is 11. I feel like they are of age to know what to do and what not to do. We shouldn't have to revisit the rules every single week. We currently have them Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend.
I'm at my wits end. His twin daughters have lately begun "bullying" my 5 year old and I'm not having it. He is in denial about their behavior and it makes me sick to my stomach. My family kept saying the kids would get better as they got older but it seems like they are getting worse!!!! I feel like or parenting styles just don't mesh well. My 3 kids are mserable and hate to see them coming most days. I understand kids will be kids but they clearly have some major discipline problems. What should I do? I feel like it's my fault I'm in this situation. I knew when dating their behavior was horrible. I should've walked away then instead of trying to work with him on their behavior. They showed me then what it was and he showed me what kind of parent he was. He is always trying to overcompensate for their terrible mother and that's why he is so laid back.
I'm at a point where I'm open to ANY suggestions.....they completely ruined our vacation. I'm fed up. HELP ME PLEASE!!!
I dealt with something
I dealt with something similar. I moved out after a few months. It’s time to live apart dear. The skids will change after you move to your own place. Your marriage will also be better. Your own kids will have peace finally.
Are you suggesting we stay
Are you suggesting we stay married but live apart? I actually suggested that but he wasn't trying to hear it.
I love my husband so much but I feel like his kid's behavior is ripping our family to shreds. They ruined our entire vacation.
Yes that’s what I’m
Yes that’s what I’m suggesting. He needs to maintain a separate home for skids because ultimately blending two sets of kids is excruciatingly painful and almost impossible to do. Better that you have your own space so you can be a mom to your own kids. I did this and it is so nice. Skids are fine with it because it seems like children prefer to think of their moms home as home anyway and dads house is just a place they are obligated to go to, that’s why they are so poorly behaved. My DD hates spending time with her dad so I can see why my skids are so awful when they are with us. I don’t want to spend the next 8 years with them like that so I got my own place. DH has obligations to his bkids so it’s his responsibility to maintain a space for them. I refuse to pay half for a house so that they can come an disrespect me and my kids and ruin the mood.
Are you and your husband
Are you and your husband still married? I'm open to it but when I have mentioned it to him, he shut the idea down. He thinks you can't be married and NOT live together. I disagree. It's either that or divorce.
He said we need counseling....I don't feel we do because the issues lie with his kids and how he parents/disciplines them.
He thinks I'm expecting too much of them because I say we shouldn't have to review the rules of THIS house every week when they come over. They are 9 and 11 and of age IMO.
Go for it!
It sounds like the only way your marriage is going to work if he’s not willing to deal with their behaviour. Plus kids half their age can remember simple rules. Best of luck with whatever you decide. You could give him that simple ultimatum.
Go for it!
It sounds like the only way your marriage is going to work if he’s not willing to deal with their behaviour. Plus kids half their age can remember simple rules. Best of luck with whatever you decide. You could give him that simple ultimatum.
State the rules... ONCE. The
State the rules... ONCE. Then enforce them. Apply escalating unpleasant age appropriate consequences until they comply with the standards of reasonable behavior that you set.
Escalating painful consequence drives behavioral compliance. Keep escalating the consequences until you find the sweet spot that motivates behavioral compliance.
If DH doesn't like how you parent and discipline then he can step up and get it done before you have to.
Good luck.
Your priority is to your own
Your priority is to your own children.
Not what you want or he wants. But what they need. They need peace in their home.
if you can't give it too them with your DH then it's time to leave.
How does your DH react when
How does your DH react when you take the reins? Mine is a great supporter but won't usually initiate.
If he either supports you or at least doesn't stop you- take over. If going over family rules is a thing- make a big ass sign and hang it in the livingroom:
In this family we:
When a clearly written rule is broken- ( make sure you do this in front of your DH)- Point at the sign and say "SD, you know in this house we don't hit, therefore you lose _______ for the evening" or timeout or whatever you do. Have it in big bight flashy colors, right there for the world to see blatently breaking rules.
I have tried that several
I have tried that several times. When he's not home they aren't as "bad". But when he arrives it's like "oh daddy is home we can do whatever we want". We can't do things as a family because they always show OUT!!!
Is it expecting too much for them to recognize when they are in our home and to remember OUR house rules? They run around like a wild pack of wolves. I honestly think he's immune to it. It's like he doesnt' say anything until I start yelling for everyone to sit down and be quiet. There's too much overcompensating IMO. When he needs to be firm he's not because he feels guilty because their mom isn't up to par. They make my life a living hell and I hate that I dread them coming over every week.
This is NOT what I envisioned when we got married. I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I didn't expect the mood of the house to change every single time they show up!
No, it is not asking too much
No, it is not asking too much. It is something that I wouldn't tolerate, but I have been given authority in my home and I am always backed up (even when I am wrong- we talk about it when the kids are out of the room). You just have to treat them like toddlers who have the memory of a goldfish.
No Running- Time out 10 mins
No Yelling- Time out 10 mins
No Hitting- No electronics tonight
So on and so on. Just stay firm and don't give up. If DH isn't backing you up, you have a problem. If he is stopping you, you have a problem. If he just isn't taking the reins himself-- you have a guilty dad on your hands. Not the end of the world, but totally annoying!
State the rules... ONCE. Then
State the rules... ONCE. Then enforce them. Apply escalating unpleasant age appropriate consequences until they comply with the standards of reasonable behavior that you set.
Escalating painful consequence drives behavioral compliance. Keep escalating the consequences until you find the sweet spot that motivates behavioral compliance.
If DH doesn't like how you parent and discipline then he can step up and get it done before you have to.
Good luck.
Meee tooo
I feel the same. My husband and I are great we love each other like crazy. When we have all 5 of our kids together there is so much strain on the relationship. Mostly because the kids all have crappy attitudes. Towards each other. I feel like his kids are disrespectful to me and don’t listen to him. He feels “done” with my daughter because she’s so sassy and just speaks her mind. Which admittedly she is very outspoken and comes on strong and seem rude at times. I think it’s just a phase. Just today I’m at my desk crying because I want so much for everyone to get along and I try to make the kids like me or even pretend I exist...
So.... quit feeling and start
So.... quit feeling and start acting. Set the standards of reasonable behavior in your home and enforce those standards. A phase or not... rude should not be tolerated and should be met with immediate consequences.
Lather, rinse and repeat for any inappropriate behavior perpectrated by kids in the home regardless of kid biology.
Keep it simple, focus on the behaviors and not the why for the behavior and apply consequences.