Expectations for my Custodial SP vice Non-custodial SP
Hello everyone,
I know I posted a couple times asking about where love factors into the equation with stepkids.... and ironically enough I did not stop to think I have two seperate examples in my own life of the completely different dynamics at play with different step situations. I wanted to share that with you, because for me, I realize I had completely different expectations in both of those relationships, and there are reasons why that is the case:
My custodial SM:
She raised me from the age of 3- which might as well be my whole life, as I have no memories pre-dating that time. She took care of me, disciplined me.... in every way was a mother to me my whole life. She had a hand into making me the person I am today. She had a dramatic impact on my life. I knew her from a young enough age that I loved her, and I tried to win her love ... and I guess I expected it- because I saw her as a "mom" and always called her that. To me, I will always care about having a close relationship with her- and sometimes I really wish it were closer. I just don't know how to get there. It hurt me when I thought she didn't like me, or love me at times when I was a kid... or at least not like a "real daughter." I had some hang-ups about this growing up, the same way I would have had hang-ups if BM had raised me and made me feel this way. I would love to work through some of these issues and be closer with her as an adult if that's possible.
My non-custodial SD:
He was not consistently in the picture until I was in high school. Even then I only saw him when BM happened to pick me up for custody visit. I had legitimate reasons to not be too keen on him in the beginning, but chose to be polite and respectfuly anyway. Turns out he really cleaned up his act, and he married my BM when I was leaving HS and starting my own life. I really never thought about whether I should love him or vice versa. I think two years ago, was when I finally thought to get him a Father's day card that addressed him as such. I still don't call him "dad" but we definitely get along. In fact, I think he enjoys when I come over, because I let him talk, and engage him in politics and things that my BM and his kids don't do very often (they've probably heard it enough- lol!). I certainly wouldn't mind being "closer" although I don't think of it much and just let things take their natural course. I have no child-hood issues related to this man as he was really not any part of that picture.
Many of you can more closely relate to one of these categories or the other. Then again many of you has Skids who were disrespectful and snotty to you with their BD and/or BM allowing them to be tha way. So, expectations will be different in those situations too. I'm trying to move away from the generalizations- since many of you saw me as being on the attack. If your situation wasn't really like my situation with me SM, then I have no idea what the expectations might be on the whole "love" issue for you- it may simply not be very important, even in the skids eyes.
Anyway, if you relate at all to either of these situations, then maybe you can shed some light on the SParent perspective for me- anything that may help? Otherwise, at least know that this is my way of trying to back out of my earlier generalizations. You guys have a good day! 
-KK
I have had a similar
I have had a similar experience to yours. Though I hated my smom, and so did my brothers. She constantly put us in the middle of her battles with my grandmother. But we respected her as the adult in our life.
My sdad was very much like you described, until I became an adult. We grew much closer when he told me to bring my baby and move home as my marriage was falling apart. He was an awesome grandfather, and really taught me that love is blind, and didn't need bloodlines to love. Any of his 5 kids (step or bio) would have killed for the same look of adoration that he gave my older dd. She was his second chance (he helped raise her for 7 years and was a huge influence into her life always). When I was complaining about her to my mom and he was there he would simply look at me and say.....send her home and smile.
As for understanding the sparenting situation.
Kids today are not raised to respect an adult in their life. If I would have done half of anything that is posted on this board, my bioparent would have fired me up.....disrespect was not allowed. the other thing, my parents didn't have to be friends. They didn't attempt to go to open houses together, they didn't sit together at sporting events, choir performances. Matter of fact they were civil but stayed on the other area and we went to them. We didn't pretend to be one happy family.
Now a days......kids don't respect any adult, and most of the time a step parent will be badmouthed by both bioparents at sometime. Or undermined. In addition you have noncustodial parents fighting for MORE involvement making more issues- now no one take offense, because I am a firm believer in both parents being involved. I'm just saying I think it was more common for noncustodial parents to not see their kids. You also have more CP that I think feel that they are entitled to everything they would have had if they stayed married.
I went into my marriage with the hope of one thing and have gone through one heck of a roller coaster ride. I married a man with kids, so I not only married him but I married his kids. We nearly lost our marriage and are still working on setting it right with counseling. He married a woman with a kid and not only me but married my kid.....