Fulltime step mom by accident
So,
My partner and I have a complicated history. We started dating in 2016, after I moved back to FL we found out I was pregnant. I decided I didn't want to go back to NY and he didn't want to leave because he has 2 kids living with BM in NY. Fast forward to 20219, we reconnect, decide to try a be together. Me and our 3yo BS move to NY. We get an apartment and set everything up so his 2 BS (11&15yo) will have space to sleep/keep things when they come visit. We set up a schedule of them coming over for 3 days/2 nights a week. I get pregnant shortly after. A few months into this arrangement BM decides she can't deal with 11yo SS (L) because he is too emotional/needy/lashes out. My partner asks if I'm ok with L staying with us for a while. I say ok but then talk it out in therapy and decide its too much too soon. New relationship, new state, new job, new pregnancy and now new kid? Partner understands and dosnt push the issue. 16yo SS (G) is easy going, smart has hobbies and friends, but BOOM COVID hits. So G plays his video game non stop because he's not going to school, running track, rowing etc. BM freaks out smashes his laptop with a hammer and gets in a fist fight with him after he breaks HER laptop in retaliation. L calls my partner crying and he goes over right away to see whats going on. Next thing I know he comes back with both SS and all their stuff and tells me they're staying with us. 11yo SS is lazy, messy and constantly looking for dads attention, he also overeats and has literally eaten 1LB of shrimp i was saving to cook for dinner and 2 packs of bacon and hides wrappers. He ignores me and treats our 3yo BS (J) with contempt and annoyance. Older SS is neater, interacts with J and I. They both have to be nagged about chores, both leave the house w/o saying anything to us and my partner doesn't seem to care. Just happy I found this site because I NEED TO VENT! I never wanted them to live with us FT, no one asked me and its been MONTHS. I don't even get a break when they're supposed to be at school because of stupid COVID. My partner is extremely inconsistent with discipline, chores and manners. We are in the process of buying a house upstate and I feel bad because I want my partner to be happy and have his kids close by but I also want to have space from the SS, I hope they stay with their BM. Theres so much more that could be said but I'm gonna save it for my therapist lol...
So I definitely don't think
So I definitely don't think your partner should have decided his kids were going to stay with you all without talking to you about it first. Yes, they are his kids, but that decision affected you and changed your life so drastically that you definitely deserved some input.
Have you talked to your partner about how the things his kids are doing bother you? I mean at their ages they shouldn't still be having issues with poor manners. That's completely ridiculous. If he is going to bring his kids into the life of you and your child full time then he needs to deal with them.
I am not sure about that
I am not sure about that considering there was violence in the home. There was a fist fight between mother and son and both of them smashing laptops. This wasn't a situation where time could be taken.
I do agree that if they are going to live there rules and boundaries need to be established and he (DH) needs to be there to enforce them.
Upon reading the original
Upon reading the original post again, I realize that DH did the right thing by taking his children from their mother's home. Due to myself being raised in a home with violence I don't think I quite realized the severity of the situation when I read it the first time. Thanks for pointing that out!
Honestly - you got pregnant
Honestly - you got pregnant with a guy you didn't know well, and there is nothing saying you have to stick around for this. I wouldn't.
Wow! You said, “I never
Wow! You said, “I never wanted them to live with us FT, no one asked me and it’s been MONTHS.” I always say that there are many elephants in the room when it comes to step-parenting. Unfortunately, very few SPs are aware of them until after the fact. One of those elephants is that, yes, you could so easily go from being an EOWE SM to being a FT one.
So, if I understand this correctly, two separate times you got pregnant with this man while being in a rather precarious position (the first time more so than the latter). Was your BF aware that you could become pregnant (i.e., neither of you were using birth control) or were they planned?
I only ask because it may be that he had two kids pop up with him and now you have two, albeit much older, kids pop up with you?
I’m not saying this makes it tit for tat, but I am saying that when it comes to kids, they can “pop up” anywhere (and, yes, that does include SKs) unless there are joint, common sensical, far-reaching plans in place. And, of course, even then they can still seemingly just show up.
Since the title of your topic was “fulltime SM by accident,” I’m assuming you initially took it that there’d be a lifetime of you and your DH and your kids in your home, with his older boys simply being more in the background, so to speak. For a parent, however, their kids are never in the background. They are always foreground. Your DH now has three and one on the way.
You and your DH need to sit down and discuss basic boundaries and rules for his kids and LEGALLY finalize what their next few years will entail. The legal part is very important, as the kids may want to reunite with this mom, but since everyone is acting like, “mom went nuts and now they are stuck at dads,” they may feel powerless. You mentioned you see a therapist. To me, it sounds like these kids and even your DH have just as much of a need for one as you do.
I get the feeling everyone is sitting around with their heads in the sand, doing nothing, acting like PLOM, and secretly blaming everyone else for any problems. That isn’t going to solve anything. See a lawyer, meet with BM and a lawyer, and iron out the details vs. everyone being kept in some sort of nightmarish limbo.
And, best of luck to you. Not an easy step-parenting situation at all, but as any SP here can tell you, trying to hide from the issues and “taking the easy way out” will only makes things worse. Don’t let your DH hide on this.
That's apart of stepparenting
That's apart of stepparenting. The kids can live with you without any notice.
It doesn't seem like you knew this guy too well.
Get the hell out of NY.
Get the hell out of NY. Establish residency out of state then nail this guy for CS in NY. He will pay for ever.
I have no words beyond ... take care of you and your babies.
Good luck.