Stressedddd
In the past I've discussed about my Bf being the "father" to his UNbiological daughter.
short story: he fathered his ex's daughter, (G)
My Bf and I now have our own daughter, his first biological baby. Lately i have been so hard on myself and feeling the heaviest mom guilt because I feel he ruined my first time and moments as a mom. It's not his fault of course, I made my choice being with him knowing that he's someone's fake dad. But before having my own baby, I never knew it'd be like this.
When my daughter was a newborn it never failed for him to say things like "When (G) was a baby, we did this..." "You're not supposed to do that, when (G) was a baby she liked this..." "When (G) was a baby she learned this..." and it absolutely IRKS me. I am a new learning mother, and I'm learning to mother MY child. It bothers me so much that he doesn't feel a difference in his own blood child, from his unbiological kid. Or that he'd even think it's okay to lecture me in my first time at this just because he has a bit of experience in raising someone else's kid. It's annoying and it makes me cry and regret giving him a child. I feel robbed of my first time as a mother.
He has very very few times brought up things he's like to do with our daughter. Like taking her places. Buying her things. Etc. instead, all I ever hear is "I really want to take (G) here.." "I really need to go buy (G) new clothes" "I'm getting (G) this weekend so we can take her here..."
and it adds more to my mom guilt because, as a stay at home mom to my baby, we've only ever taken her to very few places, she has never really explored anything now that she's walking, and she just hasn't done anything super exciting for a toddler. And if I bring something up that's all about her, my bf includes (G) and it breaks my heart because then it isn't so special. It becomes about BOTH of them, and not our baby, like the original plan. I feel devastated at times because I don't want my daughter to grow up and realize there's few memories of her at this age, doing fun things. All the fun first time moments as a mom are just nonexistent, or just weren't completely about her.
I want to take family pictures, but I feel guilty asking to take them just as three, because he'd want to include (G), and that's fine, but what about the pictures with just us as a couple and our actual baby? I'd have to ask her to step aside?
What if i ask for a photoshoot of just me and my baby to make it easy? He's going to be upset because it's all about me as a mom, and not him.
as of lately, I've noticed my SD (G) developing an attitude. If she comes over I say "Hi G!" She hesitates and says "hey" and walks away. Or doesn't acknowledge me at all. If anyone is paying attention to our baby, she makes her way through, interrupts and makes herself the center of attention instead.
it is INFURIATING because my daughter is just a toddler and she's 9 years old.
I can't help but feel horrible to be so annoyed but I can't help it. Maybe if she was his biological kid it'd be different, but she's not. Especially the fact that my Bf feels no difference, or that he doesn't at all acknowledge how she really is around us. Because when he's around, she's totally different.
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Did he formally adopt her? Is he on the hook for CS or COd
visitration?
If not..... you have every right to inform DH that SD will not be included in anything YOU do not want her included in.
Including DH sharing his experiences from whe he was with his X when she had his unrelated child. If there is no official documented responsibility for her, IMHO it is perfectly justifiable for you to inform DH that she is no longer his family any more than his X is.
If it is acceptable to you that your DH maintain a relationship with his former SD, define for your DH what that will entail. Explain very clearly that his invasive attachement to her is a detriment to your experience as his wife and as a mom. Tell him he owes you and the BM you chare together dedicated non distracted time and a 3 of you only family and family experience.
He simply just fathers her, no court papers or anything
He has no rights over her.
her mother and him are just in agreement that he is her "dad". (G) has her bio dad in the picture, he has his custody weekends and he also pays child support. As for my bf, he's just her dad. He sees her more than anyone, has her every other day, ever single weekend, and every holiday.
Her mom takes full advantage of having basically an entire village to help her with her daughter, that way she's free every weekend and goes out and does whatever.
I always thought it was weird to be in that situation. I could never imagine dropping off my daughter to my ex days and weekends at a time. My bf is a great man, but still.
I have had many discussions with my bf about this. I have told him what I am comfortable with, and with what I am not. He has very openly and seriously told me, he will NEVER pick me over (G) because he is her "father", and has known her longer than I have been in the picture.
I have told him, if he wants to play his role as her dad, that's fine but there has to be boundaries with his relationship of coparenting. He has understood and worked it out for me, but I'm convinced nothing will change.
Venting helps a little, but it's such a weird complicated situation and it feels unfair to our actual daughter. I'm glad she's a toddler now, because I know in the future it's going to be hard to explain.
It is entirely unfair to your actual daugther.
Far from a great man, your BF is an idiot.
He has subjugated you and your child to his X and a child that he has no rights to. Not only that, he is his X's beck and call child care provider while she gets every weekend as a child free party fest. He pollutes your life and the life of your/his DD with his delusional fake baggage that he willfully embraces.
Time for BM to own parenting and do her damned job as a parent. Your DH needs to keep his foot up his X's ass and defend himself, his wife, and his actual child from his X and her baggage.
If I were you, I would boot his ass. He has told you for all practical purposes that you are nothing more than his womb donor and his sex partner, that your own child does not matter, and his non-daughter is his priority.
Stop sacrificing yourself and your own young DD on the altar of martyrdom to your BF's idiocy and delusionally falsely embraced baggage.
You and your DD are first. Always. His X and her unrelated failed relationship progeny are not his propblem and for damned sure they are not your problem or your DD's. Take your daughter and move away from this shit storm, nail him for a shit pile of Child Support and never again saddle yourself with a failed POS like this guy. Do what you can to protect your daughter from this guy.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you, take care of your child.
Just an aside
This isn't very fair to G's father either. it's taking away from his importance as a father.
As for his memories OP, tell him to put a sock in it this is YOUR baby and you want to savour every moment with her, not get a verbal documentary on how some other woman he used to sleep with did things.
"This isn't very fair to G's
"This isn't very fair to G's father either. it's taking away from his importance as a father."
This BM has both the guy she cheated with and the guy she cheated on working for her. But what's interesting is the 2 guys don't communicate or have to deal with each other. They are both just orbiting around BM. OP is the only one having to deal with someone she doesn't want to deal with (BM.)
And they both pay CS
And they both pay CS apparently .
The ultimate finesse
The ultimate finesse
That's going to come back to
That's going to come back to bite him in the a**. "G" will be a teenager and it's going to be "you're not my real father I don't have to listen to you " as she ditches him to be all about her bio dad.
Honestly, when he "put you in
Honestly, when he "put you in your place" like that.. I would have never had a child with him. It's one thing for him to have some connection with this girl he has helped to raise for 9 years.. but she HAS a father.. he is taking that away from her by being overly present.
I would tell him that point blank.. he is NOT that girl's father.. she has one.. and he is standing in the way of her having a real relationship with that man... he DOES have a REAL child that he IS the father to.. but if he is not going to step up and BE a father.. fine..
Since you aren't married.. and he has no other bio children.. then you should get the first healthy swip of Child Support from him.
You can't go back in time and make a better choice of father for your child.. you can move forward and not subject your child to being second best.
Honestly I'd be annoyed af
Honestly I'd be annoyed af too
but like you said you chose to be with him knowing he has experienced fatherhood before you.
He might be doing this if he feels you dont voluntarily talk about/include SD .... beat him to the punch!
Or if you want to just let him know that as a first time mother you want more special "first" moments and could he be more understanding
It's not exactly the same,
It's not exactly the same, but my MIL does the same thing with DH's niece. She can't say anything about our daugther without comparing her to DH's niece or talking about what DH's niece was doing at the same age, etc. I want to say to her, "can't DD just exist as a person, without existing in comparison to DH's niece?!" So, all that is to say, I totally get the annoyance.
Nope. I read your last blog
Nope. I read your last blog and this one. Just nope. And i put up with a lot.
OMG, possible429!
Like Rumple, I read your previous blog and am amazed that you are still in this ugly, three-way relationship. It’s clear that your partner’s ex-girlfriend and her disrespectful daughter are his preferred twosome. The man has outright told you that … he will never ever choose me over his SD… My God, girl, could he make his attitude towards you and his own BIOLOGICAL child any plainer?
Your home life is one of the most dysfunctional and downright weird domestic situations that I’ve viewed on StepTalk to date. Hon, where is your self-esteem? Furthermore, think of the effect on your daughter when she realizes that her father prefers an unrelated spawn to his own flesh and blood?!
In your prior post you wrote:
~ I am currently awaiting to start a new job, I figured I could at least make my own income to do things for my daughter and I, and gain some independence. ~
Has that happened? The sooner that you gain some financial independence by working, along with the income from child support, the sooner you’ll be able to leave your unbalanced, gas-lighting BF and free yourself for a relationship where YOU come first. It’s obvious to me that your BF is refusing counseling because he knows, damned good and well, that he’s playing you for a fool.
Telling you that you’re ‘stupid’ and ‘a terrible person’ for requiring the bare minimum of respect and consideration in your own home is a further indication that you’re mixed up with a total a$$hole. Forgive my blunt remarks but the way that you’re being abused (and make no mistake, this is abuse) is making the steam pour out of my elderly ears. If you were my granddaughter, I’d have you and your little one out of that madhouse the instant that your bags were packed!
Please, Hon, make an appointment with a therapist! Hearing the obvious from a professional is more compelling than advice from anonymous strangers; once the therapist manages to pick her/his jaw up off the floor, you will get some direct, in-person guidance as to how best to proceed. (((((HUGS))))) ♥️
I agree with everything granny said.
I agree with everything granny said. Is he still discussing your relationship with his ex? Is she still coming into your home to visit your child each time she picks up her daughter? It is very clear that he is way too emeshed with his ex and her kid for their to be room for you and your daughter. Are your parents close? Honestly, if he doesn't change his attitude, you should go home to your parents when you leave the hospital.
Wow!
I'm in shock after reading this and the context with your last blog as well.
This is super weird and not normal. I would never put up with this and I have had my fair share of crap I've turned my cheek to.
This weird attachment he still has lingering and his letting it affect you and his actual blood family is not okay. His first loyalty should be with you and the child you share together!
I dealt with the jealousy issue with my own SD12 when I first got with my DH and she was 8 at the time. These kids just can't handle when anyone else is getting the attention besides them, especially only children!
I am expecting my first child (12 weeks pregnant) and I can relate when it comes to DH making comments about when my SD was a baby and things like that and it is very annoying- you are so justified in your feelings!
I have also felt somewhat robbed of my (soon-to-be) experience as a first time mom because of my SD and, like you, I also feel guilty and selfish when I get those feelings. It's a toxic cycle-being hard on ourselves because we don't want to be unreasonable or purposely hurt anyone by saying some of the thoughts we have.
I hadn't even thought about family photos until I just read this blog. I will feel the same way as you- I can guarantee it. I would not want SD in my family pictures when my newborn comes, yet I feel guilty for thinking that way.
I may not have much advice but I do have empathy for what you're dealing with as I'm in a similar situation. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I hope some communication/boundary setting can help mend this for you guys. I do believe with a partner that is willing to listen and compromise/make changes that these things can be worked through as long as both parties are dedicated to understanding each other but he needs to hear you and where you're coming from and start putting you first!
This poor kid - it's hard
This poor kid - it's hard enough being trotted between two home but this one has three!
OP, you're not married to this guy, nor are you or your daughter his priority. Get out of this mess now, before it starts to affect your daughter. Can you stay with your parents until you get back on your feet? Then hit him for a shitload of CS. Whatever he's paying his ex isn't official so won't be taken into account.
Life is too short to deal with this kind of crap .
I'm wondering how BM explains your bf away to her current bf. Do you think she refers to him as "the sitter"?
Yep.. this is a pretty messed
Yep.. this is a pretty messed up dynamic here. I mean.. G already has an actual real life father who is involved in her life and pays her mother child support. If your SO wanted to maintain some small relationship with her in an "uncle" fashion.. that's fine.. but to carry on this charade that he is her father? uh.. tbh.. yeah.. he is crazy for doing this.. and he was definitely not father material for you..
Why would you want to be with this guy who was intentionally keeping up ties with an EX when there is no legal reason to do so? I mean.. yeah.. people break up.. you end up not seeing as much of the partner your parent had.. maybe none at all.. you lose touch.. the relationship fades over time.. it's a sad time to lose contact with people you came to care about. but keeping up best friend and family relationships with their kids.. their siblings.. their parents? no.. you haven't moved on.. your SO has not moved on.
And.. I would be overly incredibly irked that he framed everything in relationship to that child. It's fine and understandable if he wants to help and give suggestions.because he has had some experience with a baby before...but no one wants constantly to be put up against another person.
I agree that I would at this point chalk it up to poor choice and leave.. and hit him with CS.. move on and make a life for you and your child.
There is something
Seriously wrong with your SO. If he told me "" He has very openly and seriously told me, he will NEVER pick me over (G) because he is her "father", and has known her longer than I have been in the picture. "". SO would be out the door. He and G can live together. I would never play second to a child who he isn't the father to.
time to do some thinking about life,, relationship, the future
''THEN Tell him you don't want to hear about [G] again what when how [g] did it
IMHO there is nothing to think about.
The only thing to do is to tell SO to GTF out. Now. While beating his head in with a rolled up copy of a big ass CS order for the better part of the next two decades.