BM who could have borderline personality disorder
Hi there, I'm new to the site and also to step parenting. My boyfriend of 2 years just moved in, I have my 3 kids full time, he has a court ordered parenting order (which BM breaches often) that allows him a day and a half contact with his 3yo DD every week.
BM is high conflict, as in; nonnegotiable, unreasonable, unapproachable and does not inform my partner of medical or daycare issues. eg, she will ask my partner if she can take DD to a birthday party that falls on his contact day, he always says yes. Recently he asked if he could take DD to his nephews birthday party that was going to fall on her contact day, she flat out said no, he proceeded to reason with her that this is important for their DD to be included in family events like this, she said "f*** off! You're harassing me and if you don't quit c*** i'm going to the police"
My partner is not a bad guy, they didn't break up because he cheated or was abusive, they basically broke up because on irreconcilable differences. She left him when their DD was 3 weeks old and he didn't see her again till a month later, he has had to spend THOUSANDS on lawyer fees to get his contact time, which he cherishes!
A few months ago we decided to have our first sleepover with all the kids in prep for moving in together, we didn't know we were meant to inform her of this before doing so. When she found out she went to her lawyer and my partner received a letter stating that he had put his DD in danger by allowing her to sleep in close proximity to boys (my sons at the time 8 and 6) unknown to BM because quote "who knows what those boys could do to my little girl". When he replied saying that all children had their own beds and the boys slept in another room and that I have made contact with BM to meet my sons etc we didn't hear back.
I contacted BM asking if we could meet and discuss her issues, that I will have the boys teachers type something up so she can see that they are good boys, she told me to "f*** off, you're just making everything worse" and then I received a trespass notice (not that I've ever been to her house).
My partner had to tell her his new address for pick up (my house) 2 weeks ago (its in the parenting order that all changes must give 2 weeks notice. The following day, another letter from lawyer with all of BM's concerns. My partners lawyer has had these concerns brushed off.
At the last pick up his DD was distraught and was saying she did not want to go to dads, this is the first time ever! From what I've seen, she is always happy while in her dads care. After police were called my partner finally got his DD in the car, without prompting she said "I didn't want to come to your house because mummy gets mad" could this be PAS starting???
Sorry its so long, I'm looking for support and tips for me (my partner is going down the legal road) I tried being nice to keep the peace but BM hates that I exist so I'm not sure there's much I can do to appease her.
Document, document, document.
Document, document, document. Even in the most pro BM states some judges finally get pissed off at BMs who are just being obstructionist.
DH's second wife was horrible to her ex. Lawsuit after lawsuit, made up stuff to tell IRS, PAS to the extreme - and she eventually lost custody of her minor child. The older child was so PASed than she changed her name to DH's (no adoption) and refused to see her father at all. What is so absurd is that BM after all of this left DH to go back to this man a few years later.
I am so thankful he had no children with her. I would not be with him if he did. She is SO pissed that she can't get her hands on MY money.
I'm the same oldone. SO's
I'm the same oldone. SO's most recent ex, Crazy, they have no children together, thank goodness. We definitely wouldn't have lasted if they did. I would have had the cops called on me all the time. I finally wrote out a no contact/trespassing letter for SO to send to her because he wasn't really doing anything to deal with her harassment, other than get in a foul mood. So far, it seems to be working. She contacts him one more time, than there's enough to meet the harassment statute. Everything up till now is documented.
She is using the child as a
She is using the child as a pawn, which will eventually come back to bite her. I honestly believe you need to document EVERYTHING, texts, emails, get every incident report from the police department so the court can see she is disruptive to the father-daughter relationship which your SO has a right to have.
Thanks my partner has kept
Thanks
my partner has kept all texts etc, BM always loses it and starts swearing etc, 6 months ago she stopped communicating directly and they now communicate via a parenting book that gets passed back and forth. That seems to keep her in check and my partner takes a photo of every page to keep on his hard drive as the book is evidence that she does not inform him of certain parenting issues.
I think she's incredibly smart, at the swap over when their DD was extremely upset she went back into her house and called the police saying my partner had violated the trespass order (which was NOT true) the police seemed to be on BM's side, as BM was in the house 'trying to calm DD and convince her to go to dads' The police said to my partner that "relationships take time to build and that maybe he should have his DD another day." :? DD loves her dad!
In the past when BM has called my partner all upset about a change coming up in the order, she would be swearing etc and my partner could hear their DD in the background listening to it all, so we know that she does not shelter there DD from her anger towards my partner. DD told her dad at last visit to "stop bothering my mum" (DD is 3) my partner has never said anything mean about the BM to or in front of DD so it's very concerning!
Also childs lawyer sent a letter to my partner bringing up concerns BM has, the tone of the letter sounded like he heard BM's side and decided it was truth, it was all complete bollocks!
How does one compete with that?? She seems to be a very convincing actress!
I don't see anything it what
I don't see anything it what you said that looks like borderline personality disorder. Do you even know what that is? The BM is screwed up, but it sounds more like PASing to me, not BPD.
BTW, I bet her lawyer hates her.
Hi, sorry, first time poster,
Hi, sorry, first time poster, it's hard to get all the info out without writing a novel lol. At their last (they have had A LOT of sessions) court appointed counselling/mediation (with a very highly respected psychologist in our area), he pointed out to BM that she maybe bpd, she disregarded it and wouldn't speak of it further, during my partners last alone session with the counselor he told my partner that in his opinion he is likely dealing with someone who is bpd and gave him a lot of resources to read. She does fit all the symptoms, the biggest is fear of abandonment, my partner bought a house when they were together as 'proof' that he was in it for the long hall, nothing he did lessened her fear. One of the articles he read described their relationship EXACTLY! He said it was so accurate from start to break up!
So I've known from the beginning what we are dealing with and I have tried hard not to trigger her but it's very hard. She had a meltdown over the fact that I did her DD's hair, she was sobbing on the phone to my partner that her DD might end up loving me more if I keep doing things like that and DD will leave her just like he did (even though she walked out on him and still despises him). I was shocked! I'm not trying to be a mum to their lil one, bpd seems to make small issues, very very BIG!
Shes definately HCP - but
Shes definately HCP - but wether or not shes a "cluster B" is something that would take a lot of time to process (years). She could be simply "divorce crazy". I am fairly sure our BM is a cluster B (although its been suggested she has Bi-polar spectrum disorder instead). I can tell you from experience that the behaviors are more odd than anything - I have stories that would make most heads spin.
Here are a few things I would suggest:
-STOP engaging. I wouldn't bother asking for anything "more" than you are entitled to unless its *truly* important.
- Low Contact - 3 sentence rule *IF you have to contact her, make it simple, to the point, and not about her.
- Be Patient...
- Recognize that changes with cause flares - especially if those are changes that make BD happy (ie you)
- Look after yourself, stay out as much as you can - DONT TAKE IT PERSONAL - if it wasn't you, it would be someone else.
QC
Deep breath. First of all
Deep breath.
First of all lets discuss the letters from the lawyer. Don't think for one minute that they are binding in any way. It's just a letter. You can choose to respond through your attorney or ignore. I know that they can be intimidating and threatening, but you have to learn to consider the source.
Is the mother BPD/NPD/HPD .... the alphabet soup of personality disorders ... probably. But, I'll let you in on a secret, judges don't care the diagnosis, they only care about behaviors. This is frustrating because it can be very difficult to prove patterns and every seems to assume that they are going to get better, they're not. What you see is what you get, the only thing that will change overtime is you and your SO's need to be in contact with her.
As for the sexual accusations ... dh' ex has accuses my dd of things of that nature. The ex has asked for reassurance from us that my dd won't attack her son in a sexual way. Started with my dd was 9 and Ss was 8. It hasn't stopped. Custody evaluators have looked at her accusations, they have interviewed both kids, nobody believed it for one second. But, those accusations (and others) did help her undermine the relationship between dd and ss.
I would get yourself the following books:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy
Divorce Poison, Warshak
You'll want to own them.
A good book to check out of the library is "In the name of a Child" by Dr. Johnson.
I can make other recommendations but need the kids ages.
Thank you so so much Queencow
Thank you so so much Queencow and EdgeOfReason
it's so nice to talk to people who 'get it', for awhile there I felt like I was the crazy one!
I have downloaded the book High Conflict in Legal Disputes. My kids are DD11 DS9 and DS7, SO has a DD(nearly 4)
I'm sorry that your kids have had false sexual allegations! I think its sick that someone could accuse kids of those kinds of thing
I'm new to this board too and
I'm new to this board too and I just wanted to say that your BM sounds an awful lot like MY BM. We ended up nicknaming her Klingon because she's so warlike and difficult to understand. We went through a couple of years of custody court battles with her recently and it was just a nightmare of stress because she was bombarding the court with trumped-up stuff like this and obstructionist in the extreme. We got threatening letters from her lawyer every single week, it was an intimidation tactic at first and then I think it morphed into an attempt to just wear us down...after all we were paying our lawyer by the hour but hers was an old buddy from law school. She has never been formally diagnosed with anything (even her parents have tried to get her into therapy but she has always refused to go), but after a lot of personal research and talking about her characteristics to the therapist SD saw briefly, we think she has NPD.
In our case, court was hugely stressful but in the end also hugely rewarding as all her nuisance filings were thrown out and the judge lectured her for wasting the court's time--a huge blow to BM's ego as she has a law degree and although she has never practiced law she is eternally convinced that she is right about everything. For the first year after the court came down firmly on our side Klingon still pushed hard, trying to see what she could get away with--I think she was genuinely outraged and befuddled that everything didn't work out as she had planned and she was used to just steamrolling over everything to get her way. She tried to come and pick up SD on Christmas Day even though it is clear in the court order that that is our day and she had already had SD on Christmas Eve and early Christmas morning--she wanted her kids to have dinner with her dad that night, and said she was picking SD up no matter what and to have her ready and waiting and not to cause a scene because then WE would be ruining Christmas. My husband ended up spending the majority of that Christmas on the phone with our lawyer, outside where the kids couldn't hear anything. We spent a fortune in overtime fees for our lawyer that day but were able to tell her that our lawyer had already been notified that she was intending to violate the court order and if she came and took SD on Christmas Day, the lawyer was on standby and we were going to file kidnapping charges. That was the day she finally realized the court order worked both ways and that she had to abide by the parental agreement too.
All that to say, that sometimes you just have to document EVERYTHING and keep your lawyers number on speed dial if anything serious comes up. Remain compliant to the parental agreements and she can kick and scream all she wants but she has to remain compliant too, and you get that time with your SD even if her mom fusses about it and makes it hard for her initially. Remain a stable welcoming environment and remember that that is something you can provide for your little SD as a refuge once she is there, even if her mom is trying to break it down from the other side.
I hope those books help. I think our court battles are over but I might look into them myself.
Our situations are similar
Our situations are similar with respect to dealing with a BM with Borderline Personality Disorder (who does nothing to help her situation). All I have to say is DO NOT trust that woman and document everything! Do not put anything past her because YES, she will try to pit DD against all of you! She will indeed say nasty things around DD to make her hate her father, you, and your children. I personally have experience this on a weekly basis.
My SS14 and SD16's mother constantly bashes their father in front of them and in public media (facebook). She constantly says that my boyfriend is a horrible father who spoils the kids (lie) , and withholds the kids (lie) from her and outright calls him an A-hole. So yes, SKids log into facebook and see their mother bashing their father (but so do I, print screen is a wonderful thing).
She even sends text messages to the skids saying "remember, that woman - daddy's girlfriend - is NOT your mother, I am, and you dont have to listen to anything she says". Those types of comments are tips of the ice berg. However, as time goes on, SD16 is starting to hate her mother because of all the bad stuff she says about us. SD14 is another case, unfortunately. He's messed up in the head, and I believe he is showing precursor signs to Borderline Personality Disorder.
Oh, the stories about that messed up woman I could tell right now....
The fact is, it took my boyfriend many years, back and forth to court, when BM signed over the kids full time all for a baby bonus check (a sum of money our government pays parents of a certain income level). She never wanted them then, she doesnt want them now. So needless to say, we have them with us full time. At the moment, we are dealing with BM manipulating SS14 to come live with her. He wants to go live with her because its "funner" -no rules, smokes pot with him, drinks with him, encourages him to have sex, you name it!. Where as we try to run a respectable, structured, family unit. BM wants SS14 to live with her so she can get a house through public housing/welfare system. She doesnt want her son, she just wants the bigger house to live in. Instead of getting a job and paying for it, she abuses her son and the system to get what she wants. It would be a better life for her if she got what she wanted -her son would be so messed up on drugs, that he will most likely never be around for her to have to deal with anyway... in her nice new welfare owned house!!! (I can taste the bitterness in my mouth right now)
Quite frankly, after 2 years of this, I've had enough.... So be strong girl, you have a fight on your hands!!!