No longer 'babysit' for SO.
Previously, I was in the position of babysitting SD5 when SO worked. I had no problems with this arrangement when SO's custody increased, I was of the opinion that that's what you do for your partner when in a blended family, I know that he would 'babysit' my children if and whenever needed, and I'd be most grateful.
However, since the arrangement started 8 months ago, I've struggled with a lot of issues (mostly personal, but...) In regards to SD5 and babysitting her... I HATE it. She is raised very different to how I raise my kids. She's a spoiled rotten brat. (to be clear, I don't like SD's behaviors that are a result of shit parenting from both BM and SO, it's NOT SD 'HERSELF' that I can't stand, if that makes sense)
I tried addressing the issues with SO, but he's weak, all the usual excuses, "I hardly see her, she's so so little, she has such a hard time going between two homes, it wont work if I'm firm with her because of her mother (who does spoils SD something disgusting!)" blah blah *vomit*.
6 months of nagging SO to assert rules and boundaries to no avail. My anxiety over those months seriously increased as I watched him let her get away with so much, coddle her and 'tell her off' by being all cutesy where upon she would think he's joking and therefore not do as told.
Of course when I babysit her, I treat her same as I do my own kids, I don't let her get away with things, however, since she's not used to it, i'm eeeevil, she'd spend most of the time in her room crying. Not ideal for either of us.
Anyway, I made it clear to SO that I wont be babysitting her anymore, and oh what a burden it's been for him to make other arrangements *roll eyes*.
My question is; Over the last wee while, my resentment grew, I couldn't look forward to SD days because of my anxiety about babysitting her. I would feel fierce mad watching SO being soft on her and letting her get away with things (of course I'd talk to him about it, no matter how I approached it though, always end up arguing). This is my first week not having to babysit SD AT ALL... but I still feel odd around SD. I was hoping that because I wont have to deal with her spoiled ways any more, I shouldn't feel so mad about how she's raised, not my circus, not my monkey. What I'd like to know, will I be able to be around SD comfortably, without the anxiety and resentment?? Would love to hear from anybody who also doesn't 'babysit' their step devils, does it get easier to be around them??
Thank you, that's really good
Thank you, that's really good advice *deep breath*.
SO isn't talking to me at the moment, he's angry that he's had to go to the trouble to making other arrangements and "I'm still not happy", guess that's my rush.
When I told him I CAN'T babysit anymore, I did tell him that once I no longer feel responsible, I won't get so mad about his parenting (I feel honest in saying that), spose we both need to realize it'll take time, as long as I can get there, I'm content with that.
Tanks again.
True, very good point. I
True, very good point. I don't *think* I'm sulking, I told him I'm grateful that he made the changes, it's more my anxiety around SD... I have a lot of issues to do with her mother, issues that have been hard for me to work on, SD is not to blame of course, but.. i'm not sure how to put this, she 'reeks' of her mother, her mothers bad parenting, her mothers views etc so, babysitting her was only half the problem, and something that SO HAS changed in order to help me, I am most grateful for that, the rest of my problem is up to me (I honestly wasn't aware of ANY of this, only as I started typing it came out.) Guess I need to make peace and resolve my issues with BM... *sigh, lord help me.
And I think that it is really
And I think that it is really hard. You are probably sulky or acting unhappy b/c you feel badly. It is so hard. I also do a LOT for my DH with his kids and I do feel resentful. I am trying to work on it, but I get it. I would love to draw that line, but then again, I do feel that as his partner I need to help out with that stuff. Just tough. I have decided that I just have to make some emotional boundaries.
I spent a LOT of time this
I spent a LOT of time this past weekend trying to identify why I had turned into an anxious, anxiety ridden, constantly annoyed and unhappy person and wondering what had happened to the fun and mainly HAPPY person that I was before I entered into all this chaos. I finally realized that my absolute disgust and dislike for my Skids BM was weaving it's way into my life WAY too much. That I took out this dislike on DH and that i constantly was annoyed by Skids b/c of how BM raised them and all the ways I felt she didn't do a great job. I finally realized that I was allowing the BM into my marriage WAY too much. I also was "caring" too much about the Skids. Like really worrying and wanting things for them that cannot be changed b/c my DH and the BM didn't do a great job (or ok things the way I will with my own daughter).
Example-used to be super annoyed by the constant TV watching. I will not let my daughter be in the room with the TV on (b/c they are just glued to it and she is little-LIFE and INTERACTIONS are her tv). They both have TVS in their room. My house, my rules-if I want to be in the main den where the bigger TV is and I want to be there with my daughter (when DH not home) then they can go to their rooms or choose to do something else. I'm just no longer going to be annoyed by two parents who have allowed too much TV.
Example-I don't think they have picked up a book this summer. The old me would have harped and been SO annoyed and constantly thinking about this, but the new me is just going to be like -if I have had too much TV and I want quiet it goes off. They can choose to read or do something to entertain themselves, but i'm not going to worry that they aren't reading enough. Not my problem.
I wondered how people disengage and I think it is drawing the emotional boundary. NOW-do I want the very best for them, do I plan to take them to do things and get out of the house during these summer days-YES! But am I going to freak about some TV (overly concerned by their watching) no. not any more. Am I going to allow the fact that BM is having MEGA LEGAL ISSUES ruin my life or my m arraign. No. i will engage with her like a teenager when coordinating plans -Yes, Ok, Nope. Thx. I will no longer attend joint dinners and what not for brays. I think these can be appropriately celebrated by each family and we don't need to do one huge dinner- BIG events Graduation etc. YES, but these small things-nah, not any more. especially with her legal issues-being around her makes me feel like I condone them and I don't. Can't be around her.
Evil Step Parents Unite! I
Evil Step Parents Unite!
I wouldn't babysit her. If DH gets upset about that, then he needs to set appropriate expectations with the child's behavior. If you must babysit, go out of your way to assert your expectations and boundaries in his presence and tell him you need him to support you openly in front of the child while he's there, so she will be more likely to comply in his absence. For example, when it's bedtime, you should be the one to tell her to brush her teeth and go to bed - not him, but while he is present so she visibly sees that he supports your authority. If she doesn't see you as an authority in the household, she will not respect you as such.