Feeling overwhelmed
:? I am mainly a "homemaker" in a blended family. My two kids are here with us a lot of the time, my daughter age 6 is here at home all but every other weekend. My son, age 10, who has a different father, is here every other day and every other weekend. My now fiance works nights, his two boys ages 7 and 9 are with us a week at a time, a week here @ dads, a week away @ moms. I am feeling very overwhelmed with my role as a "stepparent" all of these kids have their good and bad qualities, but I am finding myself focusing more on the bad qualities of my stepsons...I probably shouldn't call their qualities "bad" perhaps I should call it imperfections or something along those lines. I don't wanna come across as being overly critical. But the fact remains I am focussing on the negative moreso than I care to admit.
These boys are a handful to me! They don't seem to have very good manners, they talk back a lot, they are rude to everyone in the household at times, especially to me and my daughter, they have bad habits like...they don't zip up their coat or put on their hat and mittens before going outside, and when I tell them to do so, they act as if they didn't hear me. They make a lot of noise verbally...sounds of any kind that can come out of their mouth, and loudly! They talk back a lot and whine a lot, especially when they don't want to do as they are told.
Bottom line for me is, I just want to distance myself from these two boys when they are here, I don't want to interact with them much at all. I feel overwhelmed by their meer presence most of the time, and that makes me feel like a huge pile of dung!!!!! I've tried "house rules charts" "behavioral charts" "morning routine charts" only because we have to tell these boys again and again what the routine is around here, and they just don't seem to remember anything. They claim to forget a lot of things, simple things like, where the dishes go in what cupboard and where the tool drawer is...I think it's just their way of trying to get out of doing something they're told so they can continue to do what they want...it's a constant battle!
I need some advise on how to get a grip on my feelings! These kids are JUST KIDS, they are not at fault for how I feel! They are all a product of their environment. I just need some words of encouragement or something because they need me to be a loving and caring MOM to THEM too. How do I find that in myself for them??? Please help..... :?
Kick them out if you
Kick them out if you can....or get their wonderful father to pick up after them....kick them up the rear end or slap them around the head a bit...cos it sounds like they need it...
My skids were disgusting but both my husband and I felt they were being egged on by their revolting mother the BM to make sure they were bad behaved....I think she wuld intentionally suger them up and sleep deprive them before they got here....
you could start being a more of an authoritive figure but getting the dad to do it is propably best....
Kick them outside until their manners improve...put a tent out there for them to sleep in...
dont let them eat at the table if they are rude...give them theirs out the back on the porch....then eat yours and your DH later together....
but I hated my skids so much...I been so happy since they have decided not to come bc of me....and my rules...and the fact their dad sticks up for me and not them....little shits....
I was laughing at the first
I was laughing at the first comment made on here..I know you was serious but.... it was funny
Yeah, you need to exspress these issues with BD, he really is the one that needs to be the heavy, and when they see BD is backing you and your telling him about what their doing and not doing then they might back off and stop trying you and do what they are suppose to.
Its not going to change over night but...if he stays persistant and you can find patience their little smerks and smiles will come right off their faces
I feel for you! I have 1 BD,
I feel for you! I have 1 BD, 2 SD, and 1 SS. They all lived with us. The oldest SD has moved into her own place. My DD is the only minor in the house. My skids are adults (by age at least). I do not think there is any magic answer for how to handle the feelings we have. It is a tough conversation to have with your spouse but maybe just let him know that you are overwhelmed and maybe need a little more help from him when his kids are there. Having children split between homes is not only hard on you but on them as well. I am not saying that as an excuse for their behavior because they still need to respect your wishes, rules, and home as well. If their BM is not making them listen and obey rules then your job is going to be so much harder. It may benefit all of you to seek counseling specializing in blended families. I wanted to do this but my skids were teens and NOT going to go no matter what. Good luck!
Thanks for all the input
Thanks for all the input everyone! Yeah, I do need my fiance backing me more, that's the tricky part! He has his way of dealing with and doing things, and I have my way, sometimes our ways are different. I suppose that may be the root of my problem right there...counseling would be great! We have been seeing counselors, I have my own, he was seeing his own, we did go together a couple times, my daughter is seeing one of her own as well. But getting in with a counselor that specializes in blended families is something I will look into. This blended family thing is soooooo hard sometimes, that's for sure!!!
My fiance has expressed to me how it's frustrating for him to know this is what his boys get from their mother, he knows they need more structure, he can only express his concerns to her, (which I think he doesn't) what she does with those concerns is up to her.
The BM of the boys doesn't seem to have rules set for them boys. From what we hear, she doesn't really make them do anything like chores or anything that consists of a regular routine. I don't know for sure, (being I'm not in that house) but we just know what we see and what we hear from the boys. Judging by what I saw of her last night at the kids X-mas concert at school, she lets them boys run the show...she openly said..."Tyler is ready to go when TYLER is ready to go, so we usualy have to wait for him"...of coarse I'm thinking..."make him be ready, tell him to get ready, you're the parent, you're the one who is supposed to be in charge, not him!" Seems like this in the kind of parenting these boys are used to, and I know there is nothing I can do about that
I have been telling myself more lately to just learn how to let some things go, I feel like that may be the only way I can hold onto what sanity I have left. I love my fiance, I want a future with him, I don't want to let other people determine the outcome of our future together...if that makes any sense to anyone?
I am very greatful for everyones input...thanks again!!!
I hope things are getting
I hope things are getting better for you....thought I would leave you with what one of my best friends said to me...who is a social worker/psychologist
IF PARENTS DONT PARENT AND TAKE CHARGE OF THEIR KIDS, KIDS WILL PARENT THE PARENTS....
and it is very tru.....as kids get older they will get more bossy so....try to intervene and start parenting now...it sounds like they arent getting any from their BM....