Feeling conflicted
So tonight my guy and the BM got together for a much needed, one on one talk. There has been a lot of not so subtle passive-aggressiveness that has been causing some strife. The woman doesn't know me at all, yet she cannot even look at me or say my name. Even in text messages and emails she always says "your girlfriend" rather than my short, 5 letter name--triple the letters typed to avoid using my name.
There have also been some other things. Such as she is really wanting to do "family only" outings, just the three of them, which could actually be a good thing for the child IF they can be civil. Every attempt he's made to discuss his concerns with these outings have resulted in her shutting down.
Anyway, what was supposed to be a short conversation turned into 3 hours. Meanwhile I got the child from daycare, fed him, played with him, got him bathed, got him into bed, read him his story, and put him to sleep. Boyfriend gets home and tells me he was really surprised at how reasonable she was and so forth. They apparently hashed out a lot of crap that needed to be said and all that, which is good. Yet I'm feeling unsettled for some reason. Not really sure I can put my finger on exactly what it is, just there.
I do think part of it has to do with the fact that I was planning on the three of us (Boyfriend, his kiddo, and me) going to see my family who live 90 minutes away sometime this weekend. Today was my sister's birthday, so be nice to see her near her birthday, take some baked goods, and my nephew and The Boy are a mere 6 months apart, so they play together fabulously. She has a newborn so anything to distract her son from being jealous of the new baby is a good thing. He tells me "So we might do the family outing this weekend. You can just go see your family." I think that is where some of it really started feeling a little thick. He was making plans for me after we had made plans together. Not liking that feeling at all.
Ugh, I guess I just needed to vent. I'll probably talk to him about it in a day or two when my brain has time to finish processing this crap.
"Such as she is really
"Such as she is really wanting to do "family only" outings,"
There is no more family. they are divorced. If SO told me this I'd laugh at him while telling him good luck with the next girlfriend. She's an ex for a reason and it needs to stay that way. NEVER would I be ok with SO going on an outing with his ex and the skids. What, are they trying to relive some old happy family crap?
All this talking and getting together and him putting her plans before yours makes me suspicious of her intentions.
I'd feel uneasy too, i can
I'd feel uneasy too, i can understand doing "family things" for the sake of the child. at the same time I dont think it is proper bc it gives the step kids false hope and if its a family outing and you are not invited...then are you not family? you fed, bathed, read to this child. probably do more than that through out the week, that makes you family in my book. I would definently not allow these things to happen until she can meet u, look u in the eye, and say your name. Have you asked him how he would feel if the table was turned? would he be okay with you and your ex with your/your ex's child and telling him to go away?
They were never married. And
They were never married. And honestly, they were broken up but trying to do the "be there for the kid living together" thing even before he was born. She's kind of nuts. She's been in counseling some but had to stop recently due to distance of her therapist from where she is currently. It seems like it is helping. It would do the child some good to see that his parents can be around each other without fighting because he really has no memory of them together, ever. And he's showing a lot of signs of anxiety about them.
I know he has no interest in getting back with her. She made his life hell for a year when they were trying to be there for the kid, took everything he had for the kid and disappeared, made it difficult for him to even find them so he could see his son, and then fought the custody case so hard even when she was homeless and could not even possibly be the custodial parent but she did so out of spite. There is no love there. But I do see him wanting to give her a chance to be civil, if only for them to help ease the kid into this new phase of how things are going. I do not trust her, however. On two separate occasions she tried to convince him to cheat on me with her, so I don't know that she has truly moved on. That may be part of the reason why she cannot even say my name.
Knowing him, he didn't even realize what he was saying and how it was coming off. And I know I've been overly sensitive lately because I'm having to figure out how to step back and let this woman try and be a mom to her kid, if she'll do it.
If he has no memory of them
If he has no memory of them together-then good. He will see them NOT being together as the norm. Why confuse this kid more by doing "family" outings with her and then also with you at other times? They are not together, they are not family-no need for outings. Kid can have outings with mom and then with dad. Great. Kids all over the world do this-he will not be scarred by not hanging out with both his mom and dad at the same time.
You are feeling uncomfortable with this because it is WRONG. Please listen to your gut here.
Such as she is really wanting
Such as she is really wanting to do "family only" outings, just the three of them,
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I can not believe you are ok with this! Beside the fact that your DH will be dating his ex wife, it will also be bad for the kid. Will he think that his dad has two wives now? Will he want his mom and dad back together since they will be doing family things anyway.
I just don’t see how anyone BUT BM, can think this is a good thing to do to a marriage, much less a child!!
This is craziness cloaked in
This is craziness cloaked in reasonableness. You and your bf are being played, which is why you are feeling uneasy about the situation. Listen to your intuition.
Civilty is one thing but family outings are totally unnecessary and will be confusing to the child. Be nice to each other during pick up / drop offs and don't bad mouth each other to the kid and get on with your own family outings.
First, you should consult
First, you should consult step-parenting books, articles, and websites for information as to the importance of "family outings" with divorced parents and their children. Please note- this will take a long time BECAUSE YOU WON'T FIND ANY RECOMMENDATIONS TO DO THIS. Getting along with civility during one-time or special occasions like school plays, weddings, graduations, or special circumstances is good, but this is completely not the same thing.
Second, even if they were hell-bent on having these "family outings" and for some reason you were totally on board with it, there is absolutely no reason it has to be this very weekend coming up, for which you already had plans. He is breaking plans with you to do something with BM???? Not a pardonable offense, in my book. So pretending the "family outings" are a good thing and you were all for it, why couldn't it be some other weekend?
Third, millions of kids don't do things with both parents, even when the family is still "intact". No offense, but their kid is not that special.
Finally, this "family outing" thing is a symptom of something bigger. Is your boyfriend going to roll over and do whatever BM wants regularly? This could be bad...
Oh, and please don't feel conflicted. You are totally justified in not feeling right about this.
**Agreed**
**Agreed** Re-Dick-U-Lous!
There is no reason what so ever for FAMILY OUTING that don't include you. Yes, parents need to try to atleast pretend to get along in front of the kids and all the better if they actually do like each other but it's sending the wrong message to have mommy and daddy get togeather to go out and exclude you. Hmmm...how outside of the family unit does that put you. Guess what the little guy is going to think the next time you tell him to do something.
Our BM wanted these little Family Outings too. She quickly changed her mind when DH advised her that while we wouldn't enjoy it both he and I would be there as WE are family. This in my experience is brought up when one parent can't/hasn't/won't let go of the idea of getting the other back.
At the very least, I would
At the very least, I would invite myself along. If BF gets all anxious about it...or feels that BM needs to be informed (warned)...then you have SERIOUS problems.
So mom and dad went on a date
So mom and dad went on a date while you were home babysitting. They are planning family outings that you won't be a part of. SO is telling you to go away this weekend without him.
No matter how you try to spin this, this comes out crazy.
SO may say he doesn't love BM, but his actions are screaming that he at least likes her and enjoys being around her.
Share this information with older female relatives and friends. How many do you think will tell you that what is going on is fine and/or normal?
It bothers me to think that
It bothers me to think that in a year, DH and BM will be going to school conferences, etc together let alone seperate outings! DH has said he hates that SS doesn't remember ever living here (he was ab 1 when they split) and thinks he wasn't there for anything but oh well. I told him it was better off for SS, stop trying to remind him that you were a "big happy family" with his crazy mother! The kids will be more confused with them doing family outings. We have done things with OUR family and BM and her family but they split for a reason and them spending time together would NEVER happen even if he wanted it to.
We talked about it some last
We talked about it some last night. He says he didn't realize I wanted all of us to go down to my sister's this weekend. He thought it would be okay without him and The Boy. Once I explained he apologized and said that it didn't have to be this weekend anyway, especially since it is such short notice.
Fast forward to today, and I had originally planned to go to a bead meetup thing but I just can't afford it right now. Found a solution to a large bill that is due later this month and could technically afford going to the meetup. He's at work, online (he works tech help so he can do IMs), and I tell him the solution I found. He asks if that means I am going to go to the meetup after all. I say no because I already picked up the kid from daycare like I said I would and there is no guarantee he'll be home in time for me to leave with time to get there. So all of the sudden he posits the idea of getting BM, very last minute but thinks she'd be up for it, to come up and get a pizza. He'll work on getting laundry caught up while she and the kid play. So I ask him why she needs to be here for me to go to a meetup? And bring up that I don't want her in our home. His response was she came over to see him on occasions before...yeah, before I moved in. This has been OUR home for a little over a year now. I point out that I don't trust her, one bit. He got defensive, asks me why I think he wouldn't be keeping an eye on things to make sure she doesn't snoop and whatnot. And it just devolved from there.
Now every alarm bell in my head is going off that they have on really good conversation and he's in such a hurry to suggest her coming to our home (which honestly is a mess right now since he hasn't helped me with ANYTHING this week and all of the sudden I have no desire to do a damn thing) while I am away for the evening. I was looking forward to the meetup, a chance to have a night away doing a hobby I like and seldom engage in anymore. Now, there is no way I could even focus on it. And I already know he's going to be pouting with lines like "excuse me for wanting to get things to be more civil between me and the kid's mom."
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
Please see the situation clearly
You seem like a nice person but please don't be niave. I regret to say that despite the ex being crazy and making his life a living he'll in the past, they haven't moved on yet. They still share a deep bond and a child which is keeping them in a love/hate relationship followed by denial. Please stand up for yourself and put your foot down. They do not need to "play family" unless you are included too. And do not play nanny while they rekindle their relationship while pretending they are discussing their child's best interest.