EVIL STEP DAUGHTER ISSUES! ADVISE NEEDED ASAP
I'll start at the beginning... I've been with my husband for 7 years now, married for 4. He has a 9 year old daughter. The mother is insane. Him and the ex wife seperated while he was in the army. So he has never been a full time parent. We did weekend parenting for a few years until a move out of state. The mom sent her up here to live with us for about 4 months. So thats all the parenting he's done. We have no children. My relationship with step daughter started out great. Then when she reached 4 everything went down hill.. she turned evil! Wouldn't talk to me, but would acknowledge that I was talking to her. She didn't care if she got punished for the bad things that she did. My husband wouldn't stand up for me he told me that I had to deal with her myself if I wanted to fix the problem. It caused a lot of issues in our marriage and made me uncomfortable to go home. So I would sit in my car not wanting to go home. Then she moved out of state. That's when her mom sent her up to live with us. And those were the worst four months of my adult life. My husband's too. His daughter would act out and be a little brat constantly. To the point where my family didn't want to help anymore because they couldn't do it either. My husband and i faught constantly. Then she moved back with mom and i was so relieved. My husband tried to keep contact with her but she never wanted to talk to him, always hung up the phone or said that she hated him and didn't want to talk to him. So he decided that he was just going to pay child support and stop being an active part in her life. He said that until she got older and decided that she wanted a relationship with him that he was going to end it. It was at that time that I told him that if he ever decided that he wanted to try to take her from her mom and raised her that I wouldn't stop him. But I wouldn't want to be a part of anymore, i can't be miserable and feel like that in my own home day to day. Skip one year to present day. She got her 5 kids taken away and they are in a foster home together. He wants me to go with him to visit her.. and i cant bring myself to do it. Just him talking about her gives me so much anxiety and makes me angry inside. I have so much built up hate towards her for everything I've had to go through these past years. And I feel bad but if he wants to take her and raise her I honestly think the heartache from divorce would be easier than the nine years I would have to spend with a child that hates me and vise versa. I'm also going to school and working nights and he does Union work so he doesn't get home until 7:30 at night and goes to bed at 8:30. We also don't have any family up here, so realistically who's going to raise this child? On top of it I don't think he has that parental bond with her to raise a child that just got taken away from her mom and her siblings. I feel bad and angry and i dont know what to do. I need advise.
Sorry. I had to skip alot of the story because theres just too much to tell.
What does he want to do? Is
What does he want to do? Is this trip to see her a fact finding mission to see how terrible she is? Or does he plan to bring her back at that time?
Its good you have some inclination about your feelings so far and what you can and cannot tolerate for your own sanity. A poorly raised kid is not easy to take on and it sounds as if you don't have it in you to do a good attempt at it. She might be better off in foster care ( and I know there are horror stories out there) but she might have more opportunity for help then she would get with two people with long work days.
There's no judgement from me on getting out of this. Step parenting can be hell and ruin your health. Stress takes a toll.
I think you need to know what he wants to do and you need to point out that you won't be helping much with this project. Its on him to figure out daycare, therapy, and how to handle her all on his own. He'd have to after a divorce anyways. Be clear on what you want to happen too. The conversation needs to start somewhere.
I agree with you... i have so
I agree with you... i have so much built up emotions towards the situation that i don't think I'm cut out to be a good parent to this child. And i think he is so emotionally detached from everything that i think he will need to get some kind of therapy also. I don't think he is capable of raising a young woman, especially a troubled one. Im not trying to make up excusses for him not to take her, im just trying to be realistic. Im afraid to even bring the situation up and his overall plan. Because i know how it will end up. Him mad to the point that he can't see reason. Thank you for your advise. I appreciate it.
You don't have to go with
You don't have to go with your DH to visit his daughter - you've made your position clear to him and many if not most step parents would decide in a similar manner. Where there are kids with serious behavioural issues due to poor home situations, the person who gets the worst emotional "kicking" from them is often the step parent. If you still love your DH, and it sounds like you do - one option might be to establish a separate home for yourself if he wants to bring his daughter to live with him. If you were to do this, you could see whether this is a workable solution, and if not, further down the line, then divorce might become an option.
Spot on Kes!
While This is a tough situation, it's going to be the OP that bears the brunt of any future problems.
Giving him time to see his kid alone and work through what he has to will be the best thing OP can do. He has an out of control daughter and needs to focus on getting her back in track if he does decide to get her out of foster care.
That doesn't sound like a bad
That doesn't sound like a bad idea. I know my parents would take me in while i figure things out.
I don't think he will have a
I don't think he will have a choice. Once a child is taken into foster care the state will require DH to take her.
You do though. You have a choice. You can live separately. You can divorce. You can disengage and stay. You can engage and try again and stay. You can do any combination of things for yourself.
You aren't powerless in this. However, Love is not enough at the end of the day. It just isn't. You are going to have to decide what you can handle.
Maybe the answer is moving back to where you have help from family. It would suck to lose a union job, but that might be the best chance of saving your marriage and your marriage is more valuable than a job.
The family is all in reno. He
The family is all in reno. He left reno because there isnt as much job opportunities as there are in seattle. Its an option though...
I would be inclined to go visit her with dh
Though I totally understand your ptsd issues in seeing this child, I would be inclined to go with dh to see her so that he doesn't end up taking her back with him. I have a feeling that he could see her through rose colored glasses and get the urge to take her home or at least start the process. If you are there then you can keep him grounded and shut this down before he even starts thinking about this.
You do not want to raise this child. I can only imagine how bad she is now after going through these traumatic life experiences. I would just want to make sure Dh doesn't get sappy and decide he wants to raise the child because in the end it would be you raising the child.
I know 100% that I'd have to
I know 100% that I'd have to raise her. And ive tried over and over. I don't know if i am working myself into a frenzy or not. He tells me not to worry, then he sugar coats the situation like he's trying to butter me up. I'm not giving up school or a good paying job to raise a child and live in hell. I feel like a horrible person but i just can't. And I can't deal with the crazy mom when she goes crazy about wanting all her kids back. Luckily we are in a 1 bedroom barely big enough for the 2 of us. I guess I'll see what happens. Im afraid to bring it up because it will just end bad and him angry. Mehhh..
If you don’t want this child in your home
I would make a stand. I would not go see her. It will do no good. Your DH May have to take her. To your home. Then it's up to you what to do. With the marriage. No reason to live a life you don't want to. It will never get better with SD
He doesnt see it that way.
He doesnt see it that way. But i know that if i go to visit her that i will ruin the whole day. Not by choise but my negativity will wear off and make it uncomfortable for everyone. And i don't want to do that.
I have no issue with a Skid
I have no issue with a Skid living in my home. I helped my Bride raise SS-27 full time since we married the week before he turned 2yo.
For me the key is for your DH and his kid to understand that ill behaved little shits spend a ton of time isolated standing in corners with their noses in contact with both intersecting walls until they learn to not be ill behaved intolerable little shits. Far too many breeders do not see that there is nothing redeeming about their breeding experiments. What goes on in the opposition parent's home has no influence on the rules and enforcement of the rules in your home.
Why give up your marriage? Better to give DH and the Skid clarity that the rules are the rules and that they will be enforced whether daddy and the spawn like it or not.
If DH decides to e
d the marriage because he had no stones for parenting g then make that choice very very expensive for him.
IMHO of course.
This is really wrong and the source of it all.
"My husband wouldn't stand up for me he told me that I had to deal with her myself if I wanted to fix the problem."
He had got to tell her that you speak for him and she must listen to you.
It is just the way with step dynamics. If he does not give you authority then take no responsibility. That is a losing game. Trust me, I lived it.
Stop beating yourself up for
Stop beating yourself up for feeling the way you do. Your feelings are valid and I can't blame you for not wanting to live with an out of control SD and a H that has NO CLUE on how to parent. You have one life and why spend it miserable with a man that expects you to suck it up and take over parenting duties. She is not YOUR responsibility!
This child needs help and if he takes her, he has to be prepared to do all the foot work involved in making that happen. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to live in misery. At least you are not like some posters who continue to sacrifice their lives not realizing that they have an option and living in misery doesn't have to be it.