When Mom doesn't give us information about step-son's school
Hey all,
I am new to this forum, but I hope I can draw some advice from more experienced step-parents. My fiance has an 8 year old son who lives with his mother 1.5 hours away from us. His son comes to our house every other weekend and for holidays and breaks. His mom was married to a great guy until very recently, who was really helping us overcome some of her communication issues. She doesn't tell us about events at S-Son's school (school plays, parent teacher night, conferences). She can be really hard to communicate with in general. It can be really disheartening, when we are both trying our best to be involved and there for my Fiance's son, when we never even get the chance. I would never want him to think we chose to skip these important things in his life - but we can't go if she doesn't tell us, since all the flyers and notices get sent to her house, not ours. My fiance is hesitant to come down too hard on her for anything - he has no legal custody (the courts in our state are just not favorable to dads, and lawyers have told him he's better off just sticking with things the way they are, and he wouldn't want to anger her and risk losing time with his son. I am at a loss - how can we overcome this hurdle?
It might be of note that his mom is also currently going through a divorce (she was never with my fiance, but she is divorcing her husband of four years). Her husband was much better in general about communicating things to us, so it's especially hard now that we're adjusting to dealing with just her again. She is just as uncommunicative about events and things with her ex, who is a caring and involved step-father. We really want to be in the loop about how the little guy is doing in school, given all the transition he is going through. We also want a way to communicate with his teacher that he is dealing with a divorce at home, without offending or 'calling out' his mom, or sounding judgemental. I am so new to all of this, I have been in the little guys life a long time, but have tried to keep my distance from the custody/school stuff before we moved in together/started talking marriage. Do any more experienced step-moms have advice for me?
Thanks.
-Miss Information
Without any legal custody,
Without any legal custody, he's SOL.
Not true. Without legal
Not true. Without legal custody, he cannot make decisions about school but he still has the right to be informed. Many schools have great websites and you may be able to find out about most stuff that wy. You may need to sk the school for a password to access SS's grades, etc.
He needs legal custody. I'm
He needs legal custody. I'm not sure how he has "none" but has visitation. Is there ANY CO? If so, what does it say? Does he pay CS? If they weren't married, he would have needed to establish paternity, get a CO for CS and visitation.
Unless there is more to this story, both parents would have "joint legal" custody. She may have primary residential, but that is different.
IF he is recognized as the child's father legally, he can simply contact the school and get copied on everything. If he is either unable or unwilling to do that, then he's SOL. He is totally at BM's mercy, and then only because he chooses to be.
If I understand you right
If I understand you right your FDH has no legal custody. Does he pay child support?
If possible I would either look online to see what events the school has or contact the school and see if you can get on the School Events Calendar listing, etc.
If you do not have legal rights you might not be able to do this. Who does BM have listed as emergency contact at school or doctors?
To be honest I don't know the
To be honest I don't know the ins and outs of the legal stuff. He pays child support, but it is a number they came up with together. He is listed as the little guy's father on the birth certificate and has had this consistent schedule of visitation since he was born. He is on SS8's school pick-up list, and the teachers in past years have always known him, since we pick SS8 up at school basically every other Friday. But it's my understanding she has full legal custody. He was court ordered, years ago, to pay some nominal amount, which they only went to court for so that she could prove he didn't have income at the time so his mom could get WIC checks. Since then, they have both graduated, gotten jobs, and the case was dropped.
But I guess, is there a good sort of social approach, external of the courts, to go about this? checking the school site is a good idea. I was thinking of asking if they might e-mail flyers and etc to our house directly as well? She will tell us stuff is happening sometimes, but with like, less than 24 hour notice. Since we have full time jobs and live so far away, it often either means getting in trouble at work or not going.
-Miss Information
Then simply have him contact
Then simply have him contact the school and ask to be copied on everything.
Legal custody and possibly
Legal custody and possibly contact teachers and school to see if they will mail or email him stuff. Also, go to the schools website and sign up for the email calendar blasts. He may need a CO to prove he is Dad, but you never know until you try.
The Wildebeest (BM) I have to
The Wildebeest (BM) I have to deal with doesn't tell us anything either --until the very last minute. She will hold an email about it for weeks and then the day before or even of, she'll say "oh did I tell you about this" and send it. We were always scrambling at last minute to get to stuff. We've recently moved 4hrs away due to DH job transfer so it's critical to get things in advance in case we can make it to them. But of course she does not so he pretty much gave up and we'll make what we can and *shrugs* on the rest. When dealing with idiots without legal backing, sometimes we just have to step back and let it go. Yes it hurts the kids but those are the cards. When dealing with others, there's not always a solution.
I think it is wonderful that
I think it is wonderful that you want to help your fiance stay connected to his son. I hope he knows how special that is. I deal with the same thing with my husband's ex-wife. She wants to appear to be the better parent at the school and to my SD's so she purposely hides things from us or waits until the last minute to tell us anything about school activities, etc. Unfortunately, this behavior has rubbed off on my SD's and they don't tell us anything either ~ I suppose they believe that's the way it should be because their mother does it. Even when we tell them we want to be involved in their lives, they hide things from us. My husband has actually stopped asking them about anything and now we pretty much just see them on the weekends when they're at our house and aren't really involved in anything else. It's sad, but we can't make my SD's tell us things.
I did two things. First I
I did two things. First I asked the court for the standard visitation order. Every other weekend, every other holiday/birthday 30 days in the summer. By doing this any attempt to deny me visitation was a crimial act. She did and the judge told her next time it was jail. That was the end of that.
Second I got an appointment with the teacher and gave her self-addressed stamped envelopes for her to mail notices of import. I got a school annual calendar - things like back to school night are planned before school even starts.
Imagine her surprise when I show up in the classroom when she so carefully kept me from getting a notice.
My bf has the uncommunicative
My bf has the uncommunicative "I want to punish you using our kids" kinda exwife so I know they are out there. But I am a bm and I can see how one might call a mom "uncommunicative" when she is too busy to worry about letting everyone know when something's going on. For YEARS I let my kids' dad know their game times for every sport imaginable. He rarely showed. And if he had them on those days (rare) he would show up with them late to their events. If you live an hour and a half away, and want to pick and choose what you will show up for, if the bm ever did provide a schedule of events it would not last long because it's a waste of her time to even bother if no one comes to them. It is the other parent's responsibility to stay on top of things, especially when most schools/teachers simply add them to the contact list. Remember that you/Dad don't have the kid full time, so you/Dad have free time that the bm does not. Unless she is a lazy POS like so many bm's here... Just a thought from the "other side"