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How to deal with the BM

lovestepmoms's picture

Submitted by lovestepmoms on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 9:08am

I am new to this but thought I could vent with people who understand what I am going through. I have been married for almost 3 years. My husband and I just got custody of my 2 stepkids. The BM will not leave us alone now. What lead up to the custody battle was when BM dropped off 16 yr old to a mental institution for a week then the day after he gets out she tells him to get out of her house or she is taking him back! He, of course, came to live with me and his dad. He is a good kid but has been neglected in the past and has been able to run wild at the BM house. Also, he got his girlfriend pregnant and they just had the baby. Is it really a surprise? No, seeing as the BM would have multiple men spending the night when the kids were present and allowing these guys to be around the 8 yr old daughter and she would allow the now, 20 yr old, to have his girlfriends spend the night since he was 16. my husband and I were scared to death of what our 8 yr old daughter would grow up to think. All she has seen since she was 3 or 4 is her mom having different guys sleeping in her bed, her oldest brother having his girlfriends sleeping in his bed, and her 16 yr old brother now being a father. Needless to say, there are other issues that lead up to us wanting custody and being thankfully granted it. She calls and texts my husband and I 3-5 times a day wanting us to let the 8 yr old call her, she goes to school almost everyday to have lunch with her (this being a mom who had her son's girlfriends doing the homework, allowed my SD to fail Kindergarten, and never would meet the teacher's for conferences). I really think the BM has some mental issue. She believes her own lies and hurts the kids to try to hurt my husband. I know she is struggling to accept the fact that her kids were taken away but she is hurting them not helping them. She got married a about 2 weeks before our court date to her 3rd husband. He has 3 kids. She will call my SD and tell her what fun she is having with them and get my SD upset. I know she is trying to get her upset so my SD gives us a hard time and wants to go to her mom's house but I can't imagine doing that to your kids. It really makes me sick. Thanks for listening. There is so much more but will save that for another time:)

Comments

SMkelly's picture

Submitted by SMkelly on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 9:32am

You sound like a GREAT stepmom. It sounds like you have a supportive husband also - That means everything!! Just be the loving, caring, patient, and consistent you have been and skids will take notice. But, as a mother of 3 bio kids, and soon to be a step-mother to 2 girls who have a neglectful mother, I know that children will ALWAYS love their mother no matter what. My skids love to talk to their mother when they're with us, but when we're all at a function together, they prefer to spend time with me (over dad and mom), and when given a choice, they will also choose to leave with me (over dad and mom). This is important because it means the skids LIKE you. I know they love me too, but I am not their REAL parent. LIKING me more that the bio-mom is WAY more important. Please keep that in mind.
And good luck to you and keep coming back to this site for support.

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:21pm

Sounds like your BM suffers from a mental illness. Mine does too, and so do countless others on this board. We understand!

one6ylady's picture

Submitted by one6ylady on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:32pm

Do your best and wait it out. You have half of the battle licked - you have a DH who stands up and does what he's supposed to be doing. If that continues, you'll make it no matter what else comes up.

This is very reminiscent of how my DH's ex (the BM) started in on my skids - the guilt trips and emotional bribery - she has no idea how much damage that does to the skids in the long run.

You wouldn't believe what I've been through in the last 3-4 years (the first 4-5 years were great until the kids hit their teenage years). Hold on tight, though, because whatever you're getting now will only be increasing as your SD gets older, and that's when the war begins.