Disengage?
I will try to make this brief...
backround: married to DH for 3 years, dated for 2 years prior we each have 2 children from a previous marriage, no children together: SS10, SS10, BD12, BD9
In the beginning, we got along great with DH ex to the extent of having dinner with them, BBQ's at both houses and sharing babysitting...and then after a lack of communication occured between DH and his ex everything has went to s***. Initially when this happened, things with SS were still fine until about 6 months ago...they stopped listening to me, talking back constantly, etc. After a big blow up in which I was accused of "being mean" because SS was asked to take out the garbage or pick up toys (I am not your maid). We do not give our kids any set chores, only ask them to help out occasionally (yes, this is guilt that none of the kids are with us all the time, so I don't want them coming home to loads of chores)...at that point, I disengaged...did not realize at that time but from reading this site that is what it is...I spoke only when spoken to, if they didn't brush teeth-oh-well, I didn't say a word about anything...but over the course of the last few months, I have reengaged slowly...this wasn't intentional, think it was just how I am, if any kids are in my house, neighbors, friends, etc...I am always checking on them, offering drinks/food etc and think it was just a natural mom thing...now my DH does help more but I am doing more and more and I am now stressed to the max.. oh, no, I just asked the SS to pick up his dirty laundry, is that going to cause problems for DH becuase I am "mean", etc... so I am beginning to disengage but does anyone have any advice for what to say to BD's when they ? why they are being punished or have a consequence that SS do not as I am no longer dealing with them and DH does not "deal with it" either?
I know it isn't fair to BD's, but they don't understand and I don't know what to say to make it ok with them...
My DH and I have tried to establish rules that will apply to all 4, but he doesn't follow-through so this is going to be a constant thing...
I am hoping someone will have some answers or suggestions. I really don't know what to say...
This is tough, I have been
This is tough, I have been very direct with my BD13 a couple of times and said: "I am your parent. I am not SD's parent, so I don't always get to decide the rules for her. But I'm doing what I think is best for you. I know it doesn't feel fair, and I'm sorry about that, but my decision is my decision."
She seems to understand and feels better to have me acknowledge it. It's not ideal, but I'd rather be up front with her than pretend it doesn't happen.
WOW Skids and Biokids close
WOW Skids and Biokids close in age. My SS is 7 almost 8, my bs is 6 almost 7 and my bs is 3 almost 4. IKNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING.
IMHO I would say continue to do what your doing "disengageing" and making sure he's only safe and watched. My kids often do the "how come?" scenerio and I say "its not up to me i'm not his mom its up to his dad" or "I don't really care what ss7 is allowed to do I'm YOUR mother and I'm SAYING DO THIS period don't ask again I'm the parent to you. " Harsh and blunt but its the truth and I refuse to sugar coat it. I make sure my ss is safe when in my care (ie not gonna electricute himself or burn down the house lol) and then I keep my mouth shut unless it somehow comes into he's fighting with my kids etc. It puts his dad on the spot and leaves me to do my thing with my own two and raise them the way I want. If my ss becomes a brat oh well not my problem.