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Dealing with the SO's NPD ex and our blended family

carolbrady71's picture

Hi all,

I am new here, please bear with me as I get used to the lay of the land.
I am looking for a little feedback from the Step Talk universe, as I am also somewhat new to the blended family life and could use some advice from those of you in a similar situation.
The background:
Have been in a relationship with SO for roughly 2.5 years, have been living together for the past 1.5. He and his ex divorced at her request so she could pursue a relationship she maintained with another during their marriage. She has all the characteristics of NPD, and was/is very emotionally abusive to him, blaming the failure of their marriage on his perceived shortcomings. They have two children, ages 16 and 12. I have a 13 year old.

When he told her we were dating, she launched a tirade about what a woman of ill repute I was, stating the relationship would never last, and acting as if I had a responsibility to consult with her about co-parenting because I chose to get in to a relationship with a married man with children (they were separated, living apart, and she was openly carrying on with the married man she left mine for). I refused to engage with her on that level, because I am not a co-parent, the kids are clear who their parents are, and I would never try to impose myself on them in that way. She and I do not speak (but I do not speak poorly of her to her children, am supportive of their relationship), because I have no desire to be used by her.

This lady has always been supported by others, and is beginning to struggle with the realities of single parenting. All of our kids live with the SO and I on a 50/50 schedule. The kids all get along, and we are boring but stable. She is all about "fun" and not about making sure there is food in her house for her kids to eat, or making arrangements for their care when she is at work, so the kids have been choosing to spend more and more time at our house on her days. The SO works out of the area on 48 hours shifts, so increasingly I find myself providing for their comfort and care on her days, without being asked.

The SO and I figure his kids will eventually end up with us all the time as a result of her inability to provide a stable environment, and want the kids to feel welcome in our home, as a safe space, but I am growing increasingly resentful I am parenting her kids on her days and still being treated like a "side piece." Her disrespectful and bullying behavior towards him (and indirectly, me) has resulted in my requiring no direct communication between her and I. I am not afraid of bullies, but don't want to give her the confrontation she so sorely desires, as it would negatively impact her children.

How do we set boundaries around her sending the kids over to our place on her days, without asking him if its okay in advance, and not making the kids feel like they are not welcome in our (and their) home when they want to be there? It is tough because I am not dealing with a normal other parent, this is a straight up narcissist who is not afraid to pull her kids in to a conflict of her own making.

Acratopotes's picture

Welcome Carol -

keep this in mind, blood is thicker then water, the skids can turn on you any time in the future and you will get hurt.
I know it's in our blood to be motherly and care for children, but be careful Hon.... BM has all the power.

Simply disengage from her, it's your SO's responsibility to keep boundaries with her and to give you all his support and back up, he must make sure she leaves you alone and he has to make it clear with the skids that he will never tolerate them disrespecting you, you are the other adult in the house and you have his permission to discipline them or teach them while he's not there. Then he must keep his word.

Who cares what BM tells people or how she rant and disrespect you? You SO have to keep her in line..

SMforever's picture

You are not going to get an airtight resolution to this until SO properly divorces her (you story varies on this...are they separated or divorced?) and obtains a formal CO arrangement. Informal arrangements rarely work out well, simply because to do so, each party to the arrangement needs to be a responsible adult. If they are divorced, why is there no CO, and if there is a CO then why is SO not enforcing it?

You need to ask yourself, why am I accepting an arrangement where SO is expecting you to take the fallout for her misbehaviour? Why am I stepping into a domestic role where there is no certain future. This, to an objective observer, is what the BM is thinking...she sees that you don't value yourself enough to require that your partner set some boundaries, so she is pushing whatever boundaries she can as long as she can. If she is the sort of woman who won't care properly for her own children, then she will certainly grab the chance for free daycare/domestic help from you.

carolbrady71's picture

They have been divorced now for a couple of years, but are just now at the end of winding down their marital estate, per the terms of their mediated MSA.

This is going to be the ugliest part, because it involves the sale of the family residence (she lives in). We live in an extremely unaffordable and tight rental market, and she has made no effort to find a place, all the while knowing the house is to be sold and proceeds divided this October. She is carrying on with great flourish about her need to find her children a home, and has tried to negotiate with a prospective buyer to lease back indefinitely at a loss until she can find a "suitable place".

carolbrady71's picture

I totally agree. When I realized what I was dealing with, I researched up and found a lot of great resources for dealing with the NPD. Putting firm boundaries in place has been as effective as all the advice said it would be.

The thing that is difficult to deal with is how tenacious and insidious they can be in trying to draw you in. Poor kids, the are really the only hook she has left to get to her ex.