How to handle SO's NPD ex and our blended family?
Hi all,
I am new here, please bear with me as I get used to the lay of the land.
I am looking for a little feedback from the Step Talk universe, as I am also somewhat new to the blended family life and could use some advice from those of you in a similar situation.
The background:
Have been in a relationship with SO for roughly 2.5 years, have been living together for the past 1.5. He and his ex divorced at her request so she could pursue a relationship she maintained with another during their marriage. She has all the characteristics of NPD, and was/is very emotionally abusive to him, blaming the failure of their marriage on his perceived shortcomings. They have two children, ages 16 and 12. I have a 13 year old.
When he told her we were dating, she launched a tirade about what a woman of ill repute I was, stating the relationship would never last, and acting as if I had a responsibility to consult with her about co-parenting because I chose to get in to a relationship with a married man with children (they were separated, living apart, and she was openly carrying on with the married man she left mine for). I refused to engage with her on that level, because I am not a co-parent, the kids are clear who their parents are, and I would never try to impose myself on them in that way. She and I do not speak (but I do not speak poorly of her to her children, am supportive of their relationship), because I have no desire to be used by her.
This lady has always been supported by others, and is beginning to struggle with the realities of single parenting. All of our kids live with the SO and I on a 50/50 schedule. The kids all get along, and we are boring but stable. She is all about "fun" and not about making sure there is food in her house for her kids to eat, or making arrangements for their care when she is at work, so the kids have been choosing to spend more and more time at our house on her days. The SO works out of the area on 48 hours shifts, so increasingly I find myself providing for their comfort and care on her days, without being asked.
The SO and I figure his kids will eventually end up with us all the time as a result of her inability to provide a stable environment, and want the kids to feel welcome in our home, as a safe space, but I am growing increasingly resentful I am parenting her kids on her days and still being treated like a "side piece." Her disrespectful and bullying behavior towards him (and indirectly, me) has resulted in my requiring no direct communication between her and I. I am not afraid of bullies, but don't want to give her the confrontation she so sorely desires, as it would negatively impact her children.
How do we set boundaries around her sending the kids over to our place on her days, without asking him if its okay in advance, and not making the kids feel like they are not welcome in our (and their) home when they want to be there? It is tough because I am not dealing with a normal other parent, this is a straight up narcissist who is not afraid to pull her kids in to a conflict of her own making.
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Comments
Well for one, she will
Well for one, she will continue to treat you like a babysitter as long as you act like one for her. Also wanted to point out to you that the amount of time you spend with your step kids does not, and will not ever equate to respect. The only way you will get respect from the kids is if your SO demands it of them. You will never get respect or gratitude from BM and it's better if you come to terms about that now. In your situation there is no win. The only way you can stop BM from sending over the kids on her time is to confront her about it and she will turn around and tell the kids they can't go to their dad's because you don't want them there.
I personally would tell my DH that if I was going to be taking care of BM's kids on BM's time then he needs to email BM and ask her when they can get together so they both can write/sign and date a modification to their original custody order stating your DH as the custodial parent since they are staying with y'all more than the 50/50 schedule. He should also throw in there that since the two of you have been keeping the kids 70% thus financing them majority of the time he will also go for a child support modification.
That alone might stop her...unless she's more tenacious than I'm assuming.
I think Maxwell gave you good
I think Maxwell gave you good advice particularly 'ask her when they can get together so they both can write/sign and date a modification to their original custody order stating your DH as the custodial parent since they are staying with y'all more than the 50/50 schedule'. This will give her the message that using you as a form of babysitting is unacceptable and will show her where your boundary is. It will also set her off on a narc rage. I know about this because our BM is an NPD and it's not easy to live or deal with. Do not engage. Leave it to your DH.
Ours went loco when we set some boundaries. She too expected to use me as free childcare, tell DH and I what we could do in our own home etc, playing MOTY whilst doing nothing for her kids. My DH had main custody, living with us 80%. She would threaten to send SS back whenever he said something she didn't like and continually thought she should be able to just drop him off back at ours at anytime during her eow visitation. Even if we were away for the weekend, she expected us to drop all plans because she had a tantrum with SS.
So I know the score. Batten down the hatches.. but it has to be done or she will RUIN you two.
Thank you both for your
Thank you both for your input!
They do use a private mediator, and will most likely have to return to mediation to resolve the sale of the house (agreed to two years ago in their MSA, house to be sold this October, she has made no effort to find another place). That will likely be the time he raises the issue of the kids schedule.
And yes, she will fly into a rage. She is already putting pressure on the potential buyer to help her out financially because "her children and she" don't have a place to move to. This will be a very trying summer, on all involved.