I Don't Know Where to Begin...
Hello Everyone,
I'm very new to the forum, but I'm so relieved to find it. I haven't been able to really talk to anyone about my step-parenting experience, and to be honest, it hasn't been an easy transition. I need to vent, but also, I am hoping there are folks that can relate, give me advice, and help me work through some of this.
I met my husband 3 years ago, and he is a genuinely caring and kind man. I came into the relationship with just a grumpy old English Bulldog. He has two children (7&8 at the time) from a high school relationship that lacked birth control. The kids, btw, are great. Mindful, manners concious, and we have a great relationship. Probably the most social kids I've ever met.
My husband shared 50/50 with his ex until last year, when made the decision to move back to my home state, putting us a few states away. It wasn't a decision we made lightly, but there were major career aspects at play for both of us. We did ask for full custody (knowing it was unlikely), but the kids thrive at our home and we wanted to keep them in space where they could develop unhindered. Of course, the BM did not relent.
The BM is... very difficult to co-parent with and at this point its become a hostile and toxic relationship. Before I came into the picture, they were operating off a verbal agreement that allowed her to exert control over schedules and created a super unstable environment. When we decided to get a lawyer and get things in writing, she became hostile. Lots of threats that we would regret going to court, etc. Long story short, she got the money she wanted, and didn't care about anything else we asked for (extended visitation, etc.). 6 months later she is after taking away our joint custody and we are going for another round of court (lots of money). I truly believe she has NPD. The kids live in filth. She's had CPS called on her multiple occasions. She won't allow them to participate in school activities or extracurricular events. Doesn't take them for preventative care. One is now failing school and he never had a problem prior. Like, she's a gem.
I feel guilty for seeing the kids suffer, but if we didn't move we wouldn't have been able to keep up with the bills and saving for their college or future. I feel like I doomed them to the poor care of their BM. I also am going through my own fertility struggles and may not be able to have children. Another reason we moved closer to my family - for support in that arena. I work a ton and am moving to open my own business.
It's just a lot.
How do you all cope with the stress and the toxicity and feeling like you can't control anything? I'm really struggling with it. Did you come to a point in your journey where you just decided to detach? I feel like right now I'm drowning.
Thanks in advance for any responses. I'm sorry, I don't know the right lingo yet I'm seeing used on the forums. 
Has your DH considered trying
Has your DH considered trying to get full custody? With all the CPS reports, he just might be able to.
Yea :(
He did, and he did put in a formal request via our lawyer last spring. We were advised that if we stayed in state, we had a good chance, but moving out of state we didn't have a chance regardless of what evidence was there. Essentially we were told since they have food, a roof, and heat, we were SOL for the time being. We are even considering hiring a guardian ad litum for this second round, but were told it may not be a good investment since the circuit court isn't fond of them.
I don't want to give up. I'm just running out of gas mentally.
That makes zero sense - why
That makes zero sense - why would they allow the kids to live in squalor rather than have them move out of state?
Child support is state based and they get a piece of the pie from the Feds. Not to mention, they lose control if the child moves out of state. Then again I'm a bit of a cynic.
Because the idiots in the
Because the idiots in the stupid black Harry Potter roles slinging the Fisher-Price wooden hammer and the morons working for CPS are of the severely idiotic opinion that it is in the best interest of a child to have a relationship with both bio parents. Even when one or maybe both of those Bio-Parents are detestable toxic wastes of skin who have no business in proximity to any child, including their own.
So, far too many kids live in squalor, manipulated, treated as possessions, neglected and even abused. All while the courts, CPS and sadly even family turn a blind eye to an idiot BioParent and continually keep serving the kids up as a sacrifice to one of more idiot parents..
Just my thoughts of course.
We have very good friends who have adopted two boys who were sexually abused by their birth parents. Those boys will likely never be normal. They have already lost their eldest and surrendered custody to the state due to his predatory sexual abuse of other kids. The courts repeatedly returned both of the boys to their respective abusive Bio-Parents and in putting the rights of the parents above the rights of the kid doomed those boys to disfunction for the rests of their lives. Sadly their boys are far from alone in their situations. There are far too many kids with idiot parents who are sacrificed to those idiot parents by idiot Judges and idiot CPS workers.
My own SIL grew up in squalor for a number of years. My ILs home would have been a great fit for an episode of Horders-Buried Alive. There were pathways through the house that weaved through the piles of wall to wall crap. The bedrooms were stacked with old mattresses, the bathrooms reeked and had not been cleaned in years. There were tumble down sheds and barns surrounding the house. It really was incredibly bad. It was so bad that my DW called CPS to report the situation. CPS's response..... she is old enough to clean the home and property if it is that bad and old enough to have a job (15) and to walk to the store to get food if she was hungry. Ultimately we took SIL into our home and family and obtained guardianship. Sadly, it was too late. She stayed a year then went back to the environment she was comfortable in.
This is not something that just happens in other people's families. The common denominator in these situations is a polynomial. Idiot parents, and idiot Judges/CPS who would rather sacrifice kids than actually do what is right. If parents won't be decent in raising their children the kids should have the protection of the courts and CPS.
IMHO of course.
A lot on your plate
You are going through massive life-changing stressors - all at the same time. Is it possible you can delay any of these decisions, to give yourselves time to work through them?
If the CPS reports identified problems with her parenting I can't imagine they will grant her sole custody. If the CPS reports were nonconclusive, though, it won't help your case much.
If possible, try to tackle these issues one at a time. If you MUST move then get that done first. Get settled in and reconnect with your family. One thing I always suggest is if you have a good relationship with your family, tell them about some of your challenges and see what their advice is.
If you can postpone the move, that may be best. Get the issue with the skids settled. While I know saving for the future is one of your goals, a college fund won't be of much use later on if the kids follow in their mother's footsteps and wind up young parents themselves or in some other kind of trouble. Especially if you and DH will no longer be able to influence them on a regular basis. So the extra income from career changes/moves may be a moot point.
Remember always, this: As much as you may love these two kids, they are not yours. You do NOT need to feel guilty nor did you create the situation they are in. If they are poorly cared for by the BM, that's on her - not you. You have not, will not, and will never be the one to "doom" them in any way.
Edit - I just re-read your post and think I misunderstood. Have you already moved??
I make sure to control
I make sure to control everything I can and address any issues head on.
Basically, i am a control freak who is married to an amazing person who knows when it is appropriate to bring the pain and when it is appropriate to not confront. I confront everthing that deviates from reasonable behavior.
I applaud that you and DH have moved to facilitate your opportunities and quality of life. And that you are all in to provide for the Skid's best interests.
Good luck pummeling BM in court.
Welcome to the site!
I am sorry for what you're going through. I had to smile when you mentioned you think BM has NPD. In the 8 or 9 yrs I've been a member here, my name for the BM in my life has been NPD BM. She absolutely ticks every box, from grandiosity to entitlement, total self interest and lack of healthy boundaries. You ask "How do you all cope with the stress and the toxicity and feeling like you can't control anything?" Answer - with great difficulty sometimes, that is why we are all members here.
I hope you find support and good advice here as I did - I eventually came out of the long dark tunnel, my SDs do not come here every other weekend any more. As a result, life is a lot easier - I see them maybe a few times a year, DH more often for lunch etc. We are about to move an hour's drive away which will feel more comfortable than having NPD BM 5 minutes drive up the road. I don't really have any good advice for you except keep posting here, and I hope things improve for you.
I echo what has been said
I echo what has been said above re not feeling guilty for moving away. You did it for all the right intentions and that is what you need to hold onto. Sometimes we do make decisions we later question, but it is the intentionality behind those decisions that is the important thing - it was not done to hurt anyone.
Sometimes, looking at the bigger picture is completely overwhelming and I would urge you to live in the here and now and be as best you can be in that moment for now. Life is easier that way. Life is not a way of "doing" 24/7, it is also a way of "being". Allow yourself to be, just for a while, be kind to yourself and let things work themselves through as inevitably they will. What was meant to be, will be and often life works its way through in ways we never anticipated. It is often the case we are so focussed on climbing the mountain we forget to sit down a while and take stock of how far we have come. We fail to see the beauty of what we have already.
You have lots of good energies in your life, a loving husband, well behaved stepchildren and a supportive family. It sounds like you have an enormous respect for your husband and his children - it is only the biological mother who stands in your way of a meaningful life. She will always be a part of those children's lives, as sad as that is for you. She is the one who will have to answer to them as adults. Rather than striving for perfection, manage this situation as a damage limitation exercise. Just keep on filling the children with positive energy, give your love to them freely and above all, don't forget your own needs in all this. You are a very important person to many people.
Disengage
I know you feel for those kiddos - it sounds like a VERY sad situation that YOU have ZERO control over. I too, have to pull myself back and disengage a bit, because we have Toxic Troll to deal with. I too, think, well we have to maintain the balance of things, because its all in SD13's best interest. Here we understand that the BM could be shooting up in front of kids and no food in the filthy house and the courts wont take them away from BM.
Our BM has hit and choked the eldest in front of the youngest, done horrible things, but, we do not feel we have a strong case against 50/50 custody.
We just have to do our best, and maintain a positive relationship with kiddo, and hope that she sees the truth of things. We cannot beat ourself up about things that are out of our control.
How do you imagine detaching?
How do you imagine detaching? What exactly does that mean to you?
Welcome to the site it's
Welcome to the site
it's awesome feeling validated and normal for going through what we all fo through.
I think it's really wonderful you care about the kids so much. Sometimes it can make things harder because you want to have a say in what's going on... but we can't. Unless DH fully supports it, which is rare because they're usually scared pansies of the BMs. What helps me and what you could use is some reminding that you are enough. Everything you've done and continue to do for his kids is enough. How involved you are and supportive you are with DH is enough. Moving a far distance away is sometimes a decision one set of parents has to make. Keep reminding yourself that anything you do during this time is enough. The guilt about what's going to happen should be on DH and BM's shoulders, and not yours. Because you know if it were 100% in your care, things would be so much different. You can still love them while accepting what will happen.
As far as taking custody and relocating with the kids, we went throught he same but we were on the other end. BM wanted to move back to california upon divorce, but it was denied. What judges look at is keeping kids' lives consistent and stable. In the court's eyes, moving to another state is more unstable than staying with BM and her antics, even though you probably know it would be much better for them.
We have a friend whose BM literally punched the dad in the face in front of their kids. She smashed his glasses into his cheek and broke them. He got primary custody and BM saw them every other weekend, and she paid him child support. When she moved out she got a tiny studio for her and the two other kids for when they visit. The dad wanted to relocate and take full custody, and even though the dad had a stable, high-paying career and life to offer his kids, and the mother caused domestic violence in front of them, the judge STILL said no. Because of "stability."
I would suggest to DH to focus the money being spent on attorneys to figure out a long-distance time sharing calendar.