Brother's wedding -did not invite SD13
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My brother 42 is getting married in CA. To go to this wedding will cost $5000 between airfare, hotel, car rental, gifts, and clothes. My brother and I are not close. Personally I would rather not attend. My father won't allow me to not go! Or shall I say, all hell will break lose if I don't go. My brother has not acknowledged my step-daughter in any way. At Christmas he sends presents for my. 2 bio sons only. I have always ignored this. My father has told my brother he needs to invite my SD13. The invite arrived today and guess what? SD13 was not listed on invite. I'm super pissed. I can't believe this was an oversight! I am afraid if I call my bro we will get into it. I've told my husband. He is mad. How have you handled these situations?
If I were your husband, I'd
If I were your husband, I'd tell you to go and enjoy yourself. However, the kids and I would not go.
I'd send a gift with my
I'd send a gift with my regrets.
Explain to me how your father won't allow you to decline the invitation? Because it appears you are married, with two bios and a SD. Am I not reading your post correctly? You're a grown up, right???
"My father won't allow me to
"My father won't allow me to not go"...then Father can pay if he feels so strongly about it. You've got three kids to raise, if you don't feel you can spare the funds...what's Father going to do about it? Refuse to ever speak to you again?
It was wrong to include the two bios and not his stepniece. Considering that if you go it cost $5,000, all should have been invited. I would imagine DH would be offended to help finance a $5000 trip out of the household budget if his daughter is being snubbed. Does SD live with you? That would make it even harder to leave her out. On the other hand, if Dh just wants his daughter invited as so gets a vacation but actually spnds very little time at your home, then I wouldn't feel bad with her not being invited. Brother afterall does get to invite (or not) who ever he wants. It's his wedding.
Is this his first wedding? That would also play into my decision on whether or not I would put my finances and a grumbling husband through the trip. You can always still reach out to brother's new wife and welcome her to the family without causing hardship and/or hard feeling within your home. Perhaps DH and you can take a mini vacation minus any kids and visit in the near future?
Seriously? Family dynamics??
Seriously? Family dynamics??
The family dynamics are as follows. Her brother is a dick, who won't acknowledge his brother-in-laws child. Her father is an over-bearing ass who assumes he can order her around as though she's a child and not a grown woman. The OP? Apparently needs to grow up and grow a spine and tell the males in her family to go to hell.
But in a nice way.
Sounds like you summed it up
Sounds like you summed it up pretty well here Shaman.
Yup. We are very lucky in
Yup. We are very lucky in America to be able to tell our male relatives to fuck off without consequence beyond getting dropped from the Christmas card mailing list.
Thank you. This is not rocket
Thank you. This is not rocket science and she should be supporting her DH's feelings in this matter.
Father won't allow me......seriously??
Despite my feelings towards DH's kid, she is still my DH's kid and if one of my siblings did this to me I'd open up a can of whoop ass on them.
Are u not grown? What do you
Are u not grown? What do you mean your father won't let you? You always have a choice. Five grand is alot of money for a trip that snubs one of your children.
Id just go on my own vacation with my spouse and children. And mail a wedding gift.
Agreed. I can't imagine how
Agreed. I can't imagine how this is making her DH feel either.
I can't remember the last
I can't remember the last time my father told me I "couldn't" do something. LOL.
If this were the case with me, I would not go. If you can't invite my WHOLE FAMILY, then NONE of my family will attend. IMHO.
MamaC - it doesn't MATTER how
MamaC - it doesn't MATTER how long she's been her SD. The OP is married with a skid, and the entire family should have been included on the invitation.
Not only was he being rude but the OP's brother is being divisive, petty and creating family drama.
This is just fantastic
This is just fantastic
(No subject)
RCW. I heart you.
RCW. I heart you.
First I want to admit it is
First I want to admit it is strange that I don't want to upset my father to the point I call it "being allowed". My biggest problem is I avoid confrontation to a fault. This has caused me a lot of self imposed stress and rules. So I am allowed to not go to my brothers wedding. I just think I would open up a can of problems if I do.
To answer some questions this is my brothers first wedding. He did attend my first wedding. My second wedding we eloped. I do have 5 SDs but only the one lives with us Full time. The others are either on their own or have been alienated from us. Those daughters are so not apart of our lives for years that they are not even a thought.
My brother never acknowledges my SD13 and he has also never met her. My brother comes to town once a year and she was at her mothers.
I talked to DH about this tonight and he decided that he will not attend and of course neither will his daughter.
We will see what happens!
If your father wants to make
If your father wants to make you go to your brother's wedding, then he should pay the $5K, which by the way is an outrageous amount to pay to attend a wedding. I certainly wouldn't, but I guess it depends on your income.
My father told me I had no option to attend my sisters wedding, I wan't planning on not showing up but he knew I was just finishing up an incredibly stressful project at work, and it was really bad timing for me. But he paid for all my expenses. And yes, I'm an adult, and I would have paid for them, they were reasonable expenses, but he insisted. He's a generous man.
OK, not going to be the
OK, not going to be the popular voice here BUT...
He's never met your SD. Your SD is 13. Couple things here...maybe they don't want to invite someone they've never met. Maybe they don't want kids at the wedding. Before getting all butt hurt, are there other kids being invited? (And by other kids I mean those that are not the children of the bride or groom) I didn't want any children at my wedding---and by children I meant anyone under 21.
OP's biokids are invited. So
OP's biokids are invited. So it would appear that other kids are welcome. Just not this one.
See, and I would not assume
See, and I would not assume it's an oversight. But I will admit that that is due to my own situation. To enlighten...
My parents' 60th anniversary is at the end of this week. I invited my bro to join us for dinner. He declined - because he "could not afford to get sick." Wow. Our parents live with me. No one's gotten sick from my cooking. However, he told my Dad that they could come to his house for dinner (first time he has actually ever invited them). So Dad asked what time the three of us should be there. Bro said "Why three? I thought (niece) is away this w/e." Dad said they would like to celebrate with BOTH of their children. Bro said that Dad & Mom are invited. I am not. Whatevs. I told my parents to GO. We'll have a glass of wine after and I'll make dinner when both of my kids will be home (next week). Mom has made it plain - all invited or none. We're at an impasse.
If brother didn't want
If brother didn't want children under 21 attending he would not have invited the OP's minor children either (two sons both midteens). To invite the entire household (PO, DH and two teenage sons)with the exception of one teen, deliberately omit the 13 year old live-in fulltime SD is just rude. It does nothing but cause hurt feelings in OP's home. What's one more teen at a wedding?
I haven't read the replies to
I haven't read the replies to your original post, but... I feel your pain. My brother and I do not get along, either. He really only recognizes one of my two kids, which is hurtful to both of them as they are pretty tight.
In your shoes, I would go to the wedding - alone. I would not bring the invited kids. And if your Dad or bro ask why? I would make it plain to them that it is due to his excluding your stepdaughter.
I suck this kind of thing up - for myself - as our parents are elderly. But I don't enjoy it. Once they're gone? I will be happy if I never hear from him again. And that's pretty damned sad.
I think the difference for me
I think the difference for me in opinion is your SD and DD are all grown. It's an individual decision your DD has made when she drew up her guest list. Your SD is not a 13 year old girl living with you fulltime. Yeah, she does live with you but she's an adult with a life of her own...or should have. I see no reason in your case to invite SD to your DD's wedding. I don't see it being comparable.
Take the five grand it would
Take the five grand it would cost to go, take all the kids on a vacation they will enjoy (beach, camping, amusement park etc)
And send your brother a card that references you made a $5k donation in his and his brides name to "Children of divorce".
I would just go alone. My
I would just go alone. My husband went to his brother's wedding solo. It was at a very inconvenient time, weird day of the week, the kids had school, and I had just had a baby and really had no interest in spending thousands to be miserable.