I knew it.
I just need to vent some feelings today. I've been mostly disengaged for about 2 years. When I say mostly, it means that I barely interact with SS17, I'm pleasant to him when he is here but I don't parent in any way, and leave all care and feeding up to DH. SS and I have a civil, pleasant relationship and usually when he is here I have lots of plans for myself and I leave DH and SS to do their own thing. The area that I have a hard time disengaging from is DH and his decisions when it comes to parenting. Sometimes I just can't keep my mouth shut! DH is thankfully not a Disney dad so that is a plus. However, he absolutly hates interacting with BM and will avoid it at all costs. While I don't blame him, as she is a hideous excuse for a human, that has meant no co-parenting what-so-ever. He basically leaves all the decisions up to her, and goes along with things even though she makes terrible decisions just to keep the peace. Part of the reason I chose to disengage was to remove myself from that whole thing because it really bothered me that he would just let stuff go, even when he really did need to be part of the decision or whatever. I am working on the 'not my kid, not my problem' but sometimes it's just hard. It's especially hard when DH will actually ask for my advice and then disregard it. Here's our current situation...SS has always done poorly in school. He just finished his junior year in HS and failing most of his classes. I've been telling DH since freshman year, you need to talk to his school, you need to set up meetings with teachers, you need to sit down with BM and make a plan for success. He's never done any of that stuff. We are now supposed to be one year away from graduation but it's not a likely outcome. In our state you have to pay CS until the skid graduates from HS. There is an age limit but if he doesn't graduate this year it will be a whole other year of CS. I've told DH that I think BM is purposely encouraging SS to fail so she can get another year of CS. He tells me he doesn't believe that, that she isn't that manipulative, blah blah blah. Well he finally calls her to talk about the grades and she slips and basically admits that she wants SS to take another year of HS! DH got off the phone and I screamed "I knew it!" I couldn't help myself. 
She knows full well that if he takes longer that is more money for her. I don't care about the money (we keep our finances separate) and really I shouldn't care at all. But DH asks me again what he should do and I said "what I've been telling you to do for the last three years". I just don't understand why DH refuses to engage or get involved and now there are consequences to his lack of action and he acting like this is a huge surprise. I knew this would happen, I knew that BM was greedy above all else, I knew that DH would continue to sit back and do nothing. So I don't know why it bothers me so much. I honestly don't care what happens to SS, I think I'm just bothered that my DH has no spine. I don't know...it seems like I should be able to just shrug this off, revel in the knowledge that I'm right and let it go and let DH, BM and SS work out their own disfunction. I think I'm upset because DH asks me what to do but then doesn't do it and then is shocked when things turn out badly. Maybe I need to take disengagement to the next level and when he asks me advice I will just say "I'm sorry I'm not going to tell you what to do. You need to figure it out yourself." I think that sounds like a good idea. Thanks for letting vent fellow steps. This forum has been seriously a life-saver.
Why are men so damn naive to
Why are men so damn naive to think that "she's not that manipulative"? Even the smartest men can be so stupid!
BM over here, not only started my SD a year late for kindergarten, but held her back in another grade, so yes, she was TWO years behind and you can go to high school here until 21 (and as long as one is in school, CS goes until 21).
We tried to work with SD when she was with us, DH begged BM to get her a tutor, but hell no was she doing that. She wanted her to be behind. She had full legal custody, so there really was not much DH could do.
Very frustrating.
This is why I like this
This is why I like this forum...reminds us all that we are not alone. This is my DH exactly! He insists that BM is too stupid to be manipulative. I've told him before not to underestimate her and that her greed knows no bounds. It's nice be right but I often wonder how many times she will do something underhanded and greedy before he figures it out. Apparently never.
Don't want to scare you but
Don't want to scare you but most stories here with kids that fail to launch end up living with Daddy after the CS gravy train stops for BM. She kicks the adult fledgling to the curb and Dad scoops them up to save them from being homeless and to finally get to have them live with him so he can coddle them more. So you may only have another year or so till man baby lives with you full time.
Have you set clear boundaries with what you will accept about adult kids living at home? FT college or job and pay rent. Rules for house etc.
You should start making it
You should start making it clear now - SS will not be moving in permanently with you and DH and that's that...
then sit back and wait for DH to start parenting... BM surely will kick out he adult baby when CS stops.... then he still can't do a thing and does not work, guess where he will move in
Yes, I appreciate both your
Yes, I appreciate both your comments about the possibility of the "move-in" once BM realizes she can't support a useless man-child without the CS. Honestly she can barely support herself WITH the CS. Thanks to being on this site for a couple of years, my eyes have been opened to the challenges of "adult" stepkids. And skid-mark has an older sister who totally failed to launch so I'm ready (she doesn't live with us, never has and was never invited to). If he comes to live with us while he is still in HS, there will be clear boundaries and expectations. It almost happened a couple of years ago and we wrote up house rules and sat down with skid-mark to go over them. Big surprise...he chose to stay at his mom's because there are NO rules over there. After he graduates, if DH wants him to live with us, then he will have to choose his son over me. I will not live with someone who should be on their own and has shown no motivation or determination at all. He's 17 and still doesn't have his driver's license because he is too lazy to get it. So I don't think it's likely that he will come live with us but I'm on my guard and ready for that discussion should it come up. It will be him or me, no compromise.
I just lived this. She
I just lived this. She actually did graduate. But we weren't sure until we actually heard her name called by the guy on the stage. I do mean that literally.
The only way she got this big achievement (sarcasm font) was through the school turning itself into a pretzel. They are a good school and they don't like their graduation rate falling so they gave her credit for things like Study Hall--even though she failed the class she was supposed to be using that time for. And Teacher's Aide for a foreign language class in a language she had never taken before and she flunked the only foreign language class she did take.
It was a nightmare. I do recommend you teach yourself to stop advising dh. Even if he does "try" to take your advice, he will screw it up (not implement it correctly) and then tell you the advice was bad itself because it didn't work. So you have gained nothing but lost credibility and put yourself in line for blame. Just don't do it.
Just accept right now that this kid is going to be a giant failure and repeat over and over again that it has nothing to do with you. Look at your husband as a puppy forever chasing his tail. You know how that game works but the puppy never will. Oh well. Not the end of the world.
Yeah I'm kind of hoping that
Yeah I'm kind of hoping that if DH does talk to the school they can work something out. But you are right repeat "not my kid, not my problem"
"I've told DH that I think BM
"I've told DH that I think BM is purposely encouraging SS to fail so she can get another year of CS. He tells me he doesn't believe that, that she isn't that manipulative, blah blah blah. Well he finally calls her to talk about the grades and she slips and basically admits that she wants SS to take another year of HS!"
Yep that is EXACTLY why she wants to skid to fail--to drag out the CS gravy train. I feel for you. The Girhippo has decided to stuff SD (18.5) into college so that CS will continue through 21 and possibly beyond (SD is "disabled" read: never made to do any schoolwork by the Girhippo). Problem is, SD, like both of her brothers, barely squeaks by in school--this is her senior year so they will be glad to get rid of her and "graduate" her at a 5th grade scholastic level.
Sadly it IS a stepmom's problem. Financially it hurts the longer CS drags out.
Catchy, your DH is a
Catchy, your DH is a nonparent. I'm also married to one. Loves his kids *in the abstract* and always provided for them, but is completely passive as if becoming a parent is something that happened to him rather than something one does. Refused to stand up to BM on issues concerning the skids' best interests (school by correspondence course, no joke). And of course I could see much of the female manipulation for what it was, but DH wouldn't listen.
I wasted years trying in various ways to fix this and to get my DH to step up, speak up, engage, parent, draw boundaries, make plans, schedule appointments, get involved with the school...In the early years I did it all for him, thinking I was being a team player and proper helpmate. However, this enabling only caused resentment in me and the skids.
Eventually I realized that all I was doing was interfering. DH is who he is - a good partner but a bad parent. Two unqualified people reproduced; their choices and mistakes with their kids belong to them. The lessons are theirs to learn, and I really regret that I might actually have prevented/delayed them being learned.
I agree that you need to make very clear to your DH that no fail-to-launch skids will be allowed to live in your home, ever. His right to make poor parenting choices does not supersede your right to a peaceful home.
Thanks for this. This is it
Thanks for this. This is it totally.