... by reading articles online and watching instructional YouTube videos about dealing with Narcissists. Granted, SS17 may not literally be one but his BM likely is, and he studied under her for 13 years before coming to live at my house. He's a master at manipulating, triangulating, blame-shifting, subject-changing, lying to your face without hesitation, breaking rules & promises, faking remorse & apologies so he can get back to doing the same b.s. over & over, using DH's love & emotions to lie, manipulate, and most recently, get DH to lie (of omission) to me, too. That broke something in me, and I told DH as much. DH apologized to me but re-stated that he's not going to correct SS for the latest b.s. So I dispair, resolve to disengage one moment at a time, and to find ways to protect myself from the insanity of DH letting SS remain uncorrected. 

(Aside: I'm being vague & leaving identifying details out intentionally, as BM is currently unemployed & my paranoia she'd surf ST & get intel on how to f*ck with SS or DH or me is strong.)

So anyway, DH apparently not going to enforce the rules SS has broken (& lied to conceal) got me studying how to break out from under the manipulative control. I'm trying out an experiment based on my recent studies & tonight did not let SS have my attention to "fix" a problem he was having. DH is working tonight, so SS17 kept coming to my room trying but I'd resolved to stay out of his drama & not get involved, and I did pretty well. I was nice, but vague. At one point SS was again standing in my bedroom doorway asking if I'd just come look & see if I could help him, "but you don't have to." I didn't move & just agreed, "Yes, I don't have to." (pleasantly though). Then I used another recommended tactic & changed the subject (= using his own tactic against him), asking how SS's friend liked his birthday gifts this weekend. Right after his answer to that, I said, "That's nice. I'm tired, going to go to sleep here pretty quick. Love you SS17, goodnite." and he took the hint & left. I'm not irritated, did not let him get upset with me or get into an arguement, and did not cave & go fix SS's problem. Which is technically that he cannot access his online movie app, and technically it's not a problem because I changed the password. 

Ironically, if SS had put the same effort into school work as he did last night & tonight trying to get that app to work, he wouldn't be in his current situation. I have not discussed this with my husband, just like he made decisions with SS that were not discussed or even mentioned to me. Today SS didn't bother to go to school until noon, and two of the classes he's currently failing are before noon. But of course he got to hang out with friends until evening & spent no time working toward graduating. Since his triangulation game is so on point, he's gonna have to be the one to let DH know his app isn't working and when DH inevitably mentions it, I will inform DH that the app is done until SS gets his grades all back up to at least passing so he can graduate, at the very least, and not back at all until we have a family meeting where DH apologises to me in front of SS for participating in deceiving me so that I would remain ignorant of the failing grades (have Imentioned I knew about it for weeks & was waiting for SS to tell us, and devastated when DH told he he'd known a week) and SS could continue on instead of the consequence.

SS of course blames the TEACHERS for his failing grades, per DH, and it sounds like DH is believing it (I don't). This is a full reversal and departure from the united stance me & DH always presented until Summer 2017, when I started disengsging & told DH I wasn't doing all the dr. Appts, haircuts, checking grades & teacher emails, etc., for SS anymore. I'd started reading StepTalk & trying to disengage because I was so upset at being stuck living with a liar and having DH get angry at ME for not liking SS's antics.

Thanks for reading.