Update

Forums:

I last posted a couple weeks ago, when DF asked me to post for your advice. We did discuss the feedback and there has been some significant improvements in our relationship. I can't thank you all enough!

First, it was a big wake up call for DF. He expected you all to say that I was being childish, rather than placing the blame on him. I don't believe it was a matter of right/wrong but DF really needed to start becoming accountable for his actions. Thankfully, he has. He is putting our relationship first. He doesn't have a lot of free time, but he's making the most of it. We have started walking the dog together everyday, making dates for the weekend and planning vacations. I know it's a day-to-day process and it will take time, but the progress within the past 2 weeks has made me very hopeful for our future together.

I've also had to find my own identity. I've had to put myself first. I've had to find other hobbies besides focusing all of my energy on DF and SS20. I've taken on projects throughout the house, done a lot of yardwork, read some books that I forgot about, started a new exercise routine.

I know that I have it easier than most, as SS20 doesn't live with us anymore. But I'm not confident that this is permanent. I know that he could call any day, wanting to come home and Dad would happily allow him to come back home. I just need to be prepared. I need to live my life happily and healthy, regardless of DF's issues with his son. I have to be confident and secure within myself that if trouble starts brewing, I'm aware that it's not worth the expense of my own health. I'm also seeing that DF is respecting me a lot more for taking initiative over my life and not being afraid to tell him how I feel.

Thank you all again. I will continue reading and try to lend a helping hand when I can. Hopefully, I won't have anymore bad stories!

I'm so glad he listened and

I'm so glad he listened and was willing to discuss, and did not just write us all off as bitter bitches!

It is very important to have

It is very important to have your own sense of self. I'm glad you are doing things that make YOU happy, as well as having quality time with DF.

And let me tell ya, the adult kids don't have to live with you to cause trouble. SD28 lives over 3000 miles away, but only in the last couple of years has she seemingly settled herself.

I'm glad your DF was open to listening to the masses!

Oh, I hear ya. SS20 moved

Oh, I hear ya. SS20 moved 2500 miles away and still managed to have DF wrapped around his little finger. I know that we are far from being in the clear, but thankfully SS has gotten his first J-O-B, found some friends and goes to college full-time now. He seems to be enjoying the self-sufficient life and I hope it stays that way!

Also, we've received our first electric bill since SS has been gone. $75 compared to $600. That was a big eye-opener for DF, as well.

Happy ending. If he wants to

Happy ending. If he wants to come back tell him "Good I have a project for you. Building an addendum to the house with a bath and bedroom with an exterior door so you can come and go without bothering the rest of us"? Hand him a community college list of classes on construction.

Or: Tell husband to charge him the ongoing local rent for a room mate with kitchen, bath and living room privileges. Tell husband to secretly save his rent payments to be given to him as a wedding present.

Most cases a kid will opt to not return as if they're going to pay rent its better to have a roommate of ones own age whom that can either have sex with or drink beer, preferably both.

Be sure you "REWARD" his new

Be sure you "REWARD" his new behavior to make sure it continues. Pull out a Kama Sutra book or something and let him know how happy you are. Like another poster on here has said. "What gets rewarded....gets repeated."

So glad its working out for you

I like the way you think!

I like the way you think! Haha.

Yes it's impressive that your

Yes it's impressive that your DH was prepared to listen to the advice of a bunch of strangers, albeit experienced. My DH would get into a posture about how strangers could not possibly comment on his private business, which would be partially true but would be largely code for he is not prepared to accept any third party ideas as to how his attitude/conduct to me might come over. He would likely disparage ST in order to disparage me. However whilst first time around I used to hide my ST activities, I now talk about them to him, friends and even my bios as a fantastic source of wisdom on step life. He looks like he is sucking on a lemon when it is mentioned especially when others show an interest in what it's all about, this fascinating anthroposociopolitical site! }:)

When I joined this site over

When I joined this site over three years ago I was at the end of my rope. SD had a melt down while Daddy ran out the door. This site helped me to stand up for myself and stop the abuse cycle I was in. I also made a copy of a post Rags wrote about the marriage being the primary focus. I watched the light go on as he read it. At that moment he knew that he would no longer be able to fool me into accepting the abuse again. He had to change. You have to do what it takes.

Congratulations to you and to

Congratulations to you and to your DF for putting each other first. As it should be regardless of the age of the children in the picture. IMHO.

The relationship is the first priority and the care and feeding fo the children is the top priority..... until they turn 18. Then they stay and eat at the pleasure of the adults in the home.

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