SD leaving all of her bedroom furniture here - should I be concerned?
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DH told me yesterday that SD is going to leave all her bedroom furniture (including the bed) here because her fiance's mom has a set for him and he's going to move it into her new place. Now. .I think most of you know where I'm going with this.
My concern is that if she wants to move back, everything will be as it was. I'm considering donating some of it to the goodwill, selling it or storing it in the basement.
Am I being too paranoid here?
No you are not paranoid just
No you are not paranoid just wise to the ways of skids. Have a plan for the room making it necessary for SD get rid of the furniture. If she doesn't need the furniture surely she could use some extra cash. Suggest she sell the bedroom suite on craigslist.
If you and your husband
If you and your husband bought the furniture, I would sell it. If it is left that way she will always think she has a place to come back. Set it up as an office or a home library or something!
When SS was sure he was going
When SS was sure he was going in to military, I told DH…as soon as he moves, his room will be my new office. I told SS and DH that they could store his stuff in DH’s garage, but it was not staying in the house.
So, SS packed ALL of his stuff, furniture and all, and took it to his mothers a few weeks before he left. I bought a VERY un comfy futon for that room and moved all of my office stuff in there. He can stay for a few days here and there, but it would be hard for him to move back in.
Tell DH that you want to use that room as something else and that the furniture needs to go.
Thanks everyone. I'm going
Thanks everyone. I'm going to make that room an office/work out room. We're going to donate her stuff or pass it on to a younger relative. . . period!
I too think she wants to have a safety net in case things don't work out. Also, her fiance acts like he really doesn't want to be bothered with her as it is. I'm telling you I don't know what he sees in her character and honestly think it's just a matter of time before he realizes who she really is. He isn't helping her pack and is happy flying under the radar, letting my DH do everything. So I had to put my foot down to DH and told him to make him step up.
I'm going to stress to DH that if he allows her to move back home, our marriage is over.
I changed Sd21's room soon
I changed Sd21's room soon aftwr she left, to a Gym, oh the irony considering she was barely active and rarely left the room unless being 'taxied' by DH !!!!
decorate and give away or donate the set, loved the idea here about MAYBE an uncomfortable single futon bed or better still a nasty inflatable stored away somewhere !!! The worst thing you can do is let them come back...anything left behind I ditched ASAP !!! Felt great doing it too, hehe !!!!
Wonder how long the relationship with bf will last, are you taking bets ???? How long before she is trying to get back in ????
Yep, I'm taking bets. She and
Yep, I'm taking bets. She and fiance are getting married next year. I give it one year. She's already walking all over him . . making all the decisions. He's going to get tired of her dominance and either slap her or walk out. And don't get me started on her nasty disposition.
I also feel that as an engaged couple, they're not as close as they should be. If things don't work out, I'm hoping she'll be too embarrassed and proud to even think about moving back in. And since she has a decent job, she's positioned herself to be self-reliant.
I don't know, I just have this feeling that she's going to try to come back and I'll have to leave my DH because I refuse to live with her again. Life is too short to be miserable.
BTW your explaining her
BTW your explaining her behavior towards him I think your giving it 6 months too long to last. Get rid of her stuff and repurpose the room WITHOUT bedroom furniture, turn it into an office, put a chair, not a recliner, in there with a tv, make it a sewing or craft room or a gym anything but a comfortable place to sleep. Seriously you need her gone for good and as long as its comfortable for her to flop back she will flop back. She's what they call the boomerang generation and she will boomerang her way back into your house when she alienates her fiance so you best make it difficult for her to do that.
I don't agree with shrines
I don't agree with shrines for grown children.
Rooms where people keep it exactly the same for impending visits... so 20something child swans in and stays in her room with pony trophies and high school pictures still on the wall... and all the time she has been doing the nasty in the Big Smoke. Howzat for denial?
The other side of the coin is people who have lost a child or had a child abucted and these are entirely different situations and need careful handling.
One thing your DH needs to remember is she is his adult daughter... not my 27 yr old little girl. As soon as my 17 yr old daughter decided to bolt to her b/friend and there was nothing I could do about it, she got 6 weeks to change her mind and then her room was converted and repainted. She was not happy but I told her that she no longer lived here. She had a new place to call home.
I would sell the furniture or repaint it and make it an office or guest room. Paint the walls and have fun making it into your dream guest room. And when she asks where HER room is, you smile and say "Honey, you are married to a wonderful man. HE is your home now." And watch her turn green and whine to Daddy. What can he do?
I agree. If DH tells one
I agree. If DH tells one more person "she's leaving us", I'm going to have a tantrum. When he told his family that she was moving his dad so "oh no." WTF was he thinking? You'd think he would be happy and encourage it. His dad knows we don't get along. And hello people, she's an adult. My MIL didn't open her mouth but I'm sure she was thinking "it's time for her to move."
I wish my DH would step up like you've done w/your daughter. But he's too afraid of hurting her feelings . .which is why she's the sad excuse or an adult that she is. If she needs a place to escape to, I'm going to tell her to call BM. BM has the luxury of living alone in a nice home all by herself. When SD moved in w/DH, BM turned her bedroom into a libary/den so she wouldn't have a place to come back to. I'm going to do the same.
I'd ask her if she is saving
I'd ask her if she is saving the furniture to put in her home after her wedding or she just left it behind because she don't want it.
If it was nice quality furniture, I'd probably keep it and just redo the bedroom. If it was crappy furniture, I'd don't even know if I'd wait on her answer.
My daughter took her furniture with her after she married and I've still got my son's bedroom furniture. But the furniture is nice quality furniture that will last a lifetime and worth keeping.
Don't store the furniture
Don't store the furniture regardless if its nice or not. Get rid of anything that belongs to her. Keeping it in your home keeps her owning a chunk of your home, that's how these adult children think. Tell her she has to get take it or your getting rid of it. And when its out redecorate and repurpose the room so she don't flop back to your house when her fiance has had enough of her. Believe me I've dealt with this behavior from my own daughter. Its time for them to be pushed out of the nest. They will never grow up and blossom if the feel they have a fall back.
It's cheap K-mart store
It's cheap K-mart store stuff. And I'm going to tell her to take it to her mom's or I'm getting rid of it. I'm already looking at paint and blinds and am contemplating color schemes. I'll likely start the project next week. DH has always provided a fall back and he's finally starting to realize how much he's crippled her.
Thanks Saffron, indeed I
Thanks Saffron, indeed I have. 3 years is long enough and to be honest, it feels more like 5 years. I spoke to DH about the furniture last night and he gave me the answer I was expecting . . "we should just leave it the way it is" . . like he's hoping maybe one day she'll come back home or something . . .like she's 10 going off to summer camp. I was ready to explode. I reminded him . .yet again of my plans to make it an office/work out/guest room, and that the furniture had to go. He reluctantly agreed and said we could donate it to the Goodwill.
We discussed her moving back home and he said he wouldn't allow it because she's able to support herself and he wants her to learn to stand on her own 2 feet. And said if things got tough, she could fall back on her fiance. I didn't say much but I feel her fiance is not emotionally mature enough to raise a puppy, let alone take care of a wife. He still lives at home in daddy's basement at damn near 30.
No sure about anyone else here, but I've learned that when it comes to DH's and their coddled daughters, they say one thing but will do entirely the opposite. I've made it clear to DH that if she comes back, I'm leaving. And you're right, I don't even feel comfortable in my own home, knowing that there's even a slight chance that she may be coming back. But hopefully she got the message loud and clear and won't even try it. If she needs to move back home, she can move in w/BM. I've had my fill.
I so agree, DH and I have had
I so agree, DH and I have had that discussion SOOO many times, about SD21 moving back in, he swears he will not allow it, blah blah AND anyway, she doesn't want to live with us, blah, blah....
Hmmmm, I am paranoid about this sort of thing as he has backed down, changed his mind, moved goalposts,given in to her a lot before..... Until, about six months she was telling everyone, including b.f, etc that she plans to move out here, and dear Daddykins will be the first port of call, for money, AND somewhere to live...... Sigh....... How do you tell your DH he is being played.....by his own daughter ? Just what he wants to hear, eh ?? They are blind to it.....they really are......
Excellent strategy Saffron.
Excellent strategy Saffron. I'll throw that at DH, but he has a tendency to get defensive when it comes to SD, but I don't care. Her BM would have put her foot down and she would have been long gone.
Also, SD has 1 box packed and a bunch of stuff in plastic Walmart bags. She's moving tomorrow. I've never seen anything like it. A buddy told me I should offer to help her. . please. No way. Has she ever helped me with house work around here? No. Instead of packing in the evening, she comes home, takes a nap, wakes up and spends hours watching tv or on the computer. She has no time managment skills. And at the rate she's going, it's going to take her a week to move one bedroom . . and she's not taking her furniture. She has no idea about the stress of moving and why it's crucial to plan and pack accordingly so you're not a frazzled basket case on move day.
I asked her how it was coming and she told me she still had a lot of work to do. I then told her moving was work, but once you're finished it's worth it because there's nothing like the joy of turning the key in your own place. She didn't say anything. Time to put on your big girl panties and grow up kid. You're not supposed to live w/daddy forever! Ridiculous.
She isn't excited nor happy
She isn't excited nor happy to start a new chapter in her life. Heck I was packing my boxes a year before I moved. I decorated my bathroom the day I moved in! I loved it!
I don't know what her problem is. Perhaps she is upset about losing her spot in our marriage. I don't know and really don't care. It's time for her to get a build her own life. This is the product of coddling. . kids are afraid to stand on their 2 feet and are used to everyone else picking up the slack. Tomorrow is going to be quite interesting!
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