Put my foot down on SS issue - am I right?
Hi all,
I've been greatly encouraged in dealing with my almost-stepchildren issues by reading your posts but I haven't come across anything that's *exactly* like my situation so I though I'd post. My fiance has 4 kids, ages 28, 25, 22 and 15. I get along great with all of them and they are loving, considerate individuals for the most part. The problem I'm having is that his oldest son, the 28 year-old, lives in my fiance's basement. Since my fiance and I started dating his son has had several jobs, all part-time, each only lasting a few months. He was living on his own, but shortly before I met my fiance, he decided to go back to college (he flunked out on his first try) so my fiance agreed to let him live with him to "help him to get through school". Apparently that means allowing him to live there rent-free and invite his girlfriend to do the same. I think it's weird and dysfunctional and totally infringes on our privacy during the weekends that we don't have our younger kids (I have two as well - ages 13 and 11) and is a drain on my fiance's finances as well. It affects us both because he's trying to fix up his house to sell so we can build a home of our own and finally live together. After putting up with round after round of telling my fiance that I was not comfortable with his adult son hanging around during our private time together, or taking advantage of his father financially by eating his groceries and drinking his alcohol - and being told that the son would pay rent (but never has)- I finally put my foot down and said I would no longer be staying overnight unless and until the stepson starts paying rent or moves out. Am I being unreasonable? Are there alternative solutions that would work better? Am I overstepping my bounds? Just needing some feedback.
Thanks!
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's best to show him you are serious about this now, before you are living together and building a life together. What's that saying? 'Start as you mean to go on.'
Actions speak louder than words and you are acting, which will hopefully get him into action.
Many people make the mistake of hoping things will change later or that they will create changes later, after they are married and/or moved in. It rarely works and usually not without a lot of heartache and turmoil.
You are smart to put your foot down now and let it be known what you expect, what you will or will not put up with, and what your boundaries are and will be. And if he doesn't take your concerns into consideration now, he certainly isn't going to later.
No, not overstepping bounds.
No, not overstepping bounds. I wouldn't want a grown man living in the basement either. The problem though is, your DF invited his son to move in there and set the conditions prior to you coming along. Now you want Dad to change the 'contract' he developed with his son. Dad's not as anxious to do that as you are to have him do it.
This son should e paying his father rent, with or without you in the picture. The adult child is taking advantage of his father. Dad isn't doing his son any favors by allowing this man child to sponge. The free rent, the staying over GF, the free food and drink...it was all prior you. You're going to have to make your case to DF in a manner that let's DF know this isn't the way you will be living. If DF intends to continue on in his plans to marriage and built a house and a home with you, then he needs to get his son on a planned timeline along with laid out expectations of both continuing to live at this point in Dad's house and when son will be moving out. Regardless if son has accomplished his goals.
Your DF isn't at the point so far that's he's willing to lay down the timeline and expectations. All you did was give him a loud and clear nudge. Hey the son can stay in the father's basement until father/son grow old and gray together, but it won't be with you around. What you have to do now as you've made your position clear to DF is be willing to stick to it. You have to be prepared to walk away if nothing changes and then you will have to actually do it. Dad said kid would pay rent. That didn't happen. Now you've tackled the problem again. This time if Dad ignores what you're asked for, you have no choice but to walk away or stay and shut up about it. Unfortunately there is no happy middle with a magic wand that you can use to force DF to see this the way you do. DF either gets on the same page with the situation you are, or he's not the guy for you.
If it isn't going to change
If it isn't going to change before you marry and live with him then you know not to marry him. Since you already know what you will and won't tolerate when you don't live with him and are putting your foot down good for you.
Don't make the same mistake I did and many others have and be blinded by love and thinking that love will find it all.
The boundaries that got
The boundaries that got crossed are the ones about what your fiance does with or about his son. That is none of your business.
you only get to control you and you have done that by saying that you're not going to be there when he's there and you're not going to pursue a relationship with a guy who is codependent with his adult son
Thank you all SO much. I
Thank you all SO much. I couldn't agree more with everything that's been said here. I have in fact made it crystal clear that NO adult children (including mine)will EVER be living with us. One of our main responsibilities as parents is to teach our children to manage their lives out of the nest. But then, I don't parent from guilt or try to be my kids' buddy so I doubt they will have the same trouble we're having with the 28-year-old man-child. At any rate, you've all helped solidify my ability to stick to my guns and stay away from that shitty situation until our house is built and we're done with it for good. As an update, when I told my fiancee all this last night he did agree that it's a dysfunctional situation that will not occur when we live together. But he's still not making his son move out. He has this crazy idea that the son and his girlfriend are going to buy the house from him and that's going to tie up the whole thing in a neat tidy bow. Not. But I've made my point and all I can do now, as some of you said, is stick with it. Thanks!
Ha, ha, buy the house from
Ha, ha, buy the house from him? He doesn't pay rent now and has no consistent job history, how is he going to buy the house?
Right? The girlfriend is a
Right? The girlfriend is a teacher (she's also 28 and living with her parents, lol) so I'm assuming she's the one who qualified for the loan. But who knows, this is all according to my fiance because I'm trying to stay out of it. I figure if she wants to tie herself to the man-child by buying the house where he dwells in the basement, that's her funeral.
My son is graduating high
My son is graduating high school this year. He'll be staying with us while he is college so that he won't have to into any debt before he can even get out in the real world. I didn't use to have that feeling, but after four years in college and two student loans I have to admit I'll do what ever I can to help make sure my son doesn't rack up the same debt pile I did.
You say your children won't be living with you when they are adults but they haven't reached adulthood yet so you don't know for sure.
Infact, when I divorced and had to go to college in order to make a living I had to move back in with my mother. I didn't want to and it wasn't easy but I had to do what I had to do.
I disagree. The guy has asked
I disagree. The guy has asked the OP to marry him. Build a house together and do the 'live happily everafter' thing. But he's showing no signs of making any of it come to light.
" is a drain on my fiance's finances as well. It affects us both because he's trying to fix up his house to sell so we can build a home of our own and finally live together." [the OP]
How is the guy working on the house to sell or even show when he spends spare income on supporting son and son's GF? Who can work on the basement area when two grown adults who come and go at leisure are living down there? Who can show a potential buyer a home and not show the basement? "Oops, can't show you the basement as my son and his GF are living down there , it's a mess and not finished'?
It's bad enough the man-child lives down there, but by also not paying at least a token of rent he is taking money away from the 'getting the home ready to sell'. Then he hangs around. Would you really feel comfortable if you were OP to go down in the basement where the son and GF are living (maybe even home on the weekend) and start helping clean, sort, paint, whatever?
I mean the man-child can live with Daddy forever and ever if Dad wants and likes the situation. Dandy. Great. But then why string the OP along with her believing he's readying the home to sell? That they will be building a home soon together?
The token rent might not help with privacy but it sure would help with covering the cost of food and drink expenses that are flying out the door instead of being spent on preparing the house. The guy is showing no signs of actually following through with plans to marry/build a home with OP. If the guy isn't going to follow through he owes it to this lady to be honest and simply say 'nope, I'm not preparing the house, the kid isn't going to move out and I intend to support him '....all she's done is make it clear she isn't marrying the guy or moving in and very likely moving on if the marriage and building a house together isn't happening afterall.
Agree. They are not just in
Agree. They are not just in the "recently started dating" stage. Entirely different scenario.
Put the entire relationship
Put the entire relationship on hold until your DF can get his sh*t together. DF is living in la la land. 28 yr old man child freeloader can live there rent free with girlfriend then buy his house BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Please use your brain, you can't change him or the situation.