Need advice
I am new to this so the acronyms do not make sense to me yet so that is why I will spell out my issue at hand. I have been dating a man for over a year that his adult children know of, two years total. His kids are both girls 21 & 24. I will refer to them as 21 & 24. 24 had encouraged her Dad to ask me out, we use to talk at coffee hr at church. We had already gone out but they did not know this. 24 for the most part is ok with Dad dating. 21 is the issue. Background for this is: Kids caught Mom cheating on Dad, told Dad, Mom had moved out twice and finally the divorce. 21 & Dad claim Mom abondonded 21 as they were very close until Mom moved the first time. During this time counslors, Dad and everyone else kept asking 21 how are you feeling, are you ok ect.. to the point were she learned at 16 or 17 how to really manipulate and play on this. She use to tell her Dad "your ruining my life one day at a time" if he did not do what she wanted. I did tell her Dad that no one can ruin your life except you so why would she want to do that? Anyway she dropped that phrase at least around me. The issue here is Dad use to have me around them a lot and has since backed off when they had a talk with him about 21 cryin that 24 was getting married and now that Dad has someone she will be abondoned again and who will she live with, Dad doesnt have time anymore for us, and the oh feel sorry for me routine. So naturally Dad talked to her and then 24 had concerns about his relationships so now I never get invited to go to the games on Sunday like we use to last year, I am not included in anything they do. Now last Sunday 24 jumped all over her Dad about the amount of money he makes isnt adequate, his job is a low life job, he needs to stop smoking and a lot, lot more than I was told. Dad went into a deep depression for a couple of days second guessing himself and all the work I did getting him out of the slump from the divorce went right down the tubes. He now has the low self esteem back and he is questioning if he did the right thing by divorcing their Mother. 24 is a very very controlling person just like her Mom is, 21 is even worse. She is so rude, obnoxious and beligerant no one likes her. 24 is her only real friend, she tries dating but no man will stay with her. First her idol is Jersey Shores and the only dance she claims she does is the Jersey Turnpike which in my opinion is a whore dance. I asked their father if they have ever said anything to him about liking me or not and he says they do like me but dont want me around all the time. When I am around only 24 talks to me or her boyfriend. 21 wont even say hi. So I stopped talking to 21 I basically treat her like she treats me with the exceptioin I do not go out of my way and be rude to her. I am cordial if she says Hi I will also. Anyway, during the times that their Dad & I are around them he sits in such a way that his back is to me, turns once in a while to try to include me in the conversation or see if I am still there. For a while he would sit in a chair next to me and slide the chair so close to the person on the oposite side of him (mostly 21) and practically sit on their lap. Made me feel horrible. I asked why he would do that he said he wasnt or cant get to close dont want to go to fast for the girls. Let them get use to you first, take baby steps. Ok, slow is one thing but that is beyond extreme. I never had kids so I am lucky in respect that I do not have to put my kids through this, but then people say I dont understand kids because I never had any. Well wrong as my parents divorced when I was young & my Dad married Mrs. Satin, talk about putting a steel wall between a father & daughter so her kids could have the best of everything (not my dads kids either). Thats a whole other story. I understand that being stuck up, spoiled, rude, and down right abhorent is not becoming to anyone. I want them to like me. I want to get along with them I just dont know how to approach it. I tried talking to them, showing interest, texting 24 when she would have a test in college and say I know you'll do great, good luck. Or if she past I would text her saying "Great job" I think cuz her mom never showed interest in her college she may have thought I was trying to take her moms place. I would do that to my friends kids so it isnt like I smothered them or gave them advise or anything. Anyway they think I am weird, and when we get toghether they text back & forth making fun of me. I ignored it, but it got to the point were I think there Mom bad mouthed me to them because their attitude toward me is getting worse not better. It started after their Dad & I went camping for a week. I want to say something to their Dad but what? How can I develope a relationship with them. I told their Dad they only have 1 mother & 1 Father and I am not trying to replace their Mother I only want to at the most be friends. I think their Dad should step in and not play the I am your friend & I will side with you. Even 24 said she wants a Dad not a friend. Does anyone have any suggestions? Especially on how to deal with 21?
If you start reading the
If you start reading the posts here you are going to find that your situation is very much like the rest of us here. The adult children feel like they can make the demands of their parents, tell them how terrible they are and expect the money to keep rolling. And by-golly if that doesn't happen they will just cut you off and tell you they never want to see you again, that you did them wrong and on and on and on. Been thru it. I busted myself for my kids. My husband had an affair and basically divorced me and abandoned the children and really showed no interest in them til they were adults, kids are aware of the facts. Funny how they will believe what they want....there bio dad twisted everything around to make it look like he "had" to leave, that I was just impossible to live with and spued lies to manipultae my girls. I guess I just did not love him enough because I didn't wait for him to finish his affair and I let the divorce he filed for go thru.....right! You see what I am saying?
You are not the problem. I was not the problem with my SSs either. The problem lies with the bio parents and the relationship that developed over time with them. My SSs mother abandoned them as well and when she decided she wnated them back she dug in her claws but the kids can't see what we endured or even see things from a realistic purspective, they still see the situation thru child eyes. My bio and steps are 25-30. You'd think by now some reality would have popped into the pic but it has not.
I know you want to be accepted and be a part of your husband's life without them and feel offended that this is not happening and I understand that but what I can say is they have no desire to accept you, they will not and you will only be the target of their hurt. You are actually better off to stay out of the picture.
Your husband does have to stop playing their games though. If they are hurting they need to seek professional help to deal with their troubled thoughts but they no longer need to make you and their father pay the price for moving on with your lives. This is no way for any to live.
NowWhat7, Unfortunately
NowWhat7, Unfortunately StepAside AVR1962 and everyone else on this site who advises you to disengage are right. If these women do not want to be your friend, then they will not be your friend, and the harder you try to find a place in their lives the harder they will push you out. You like most of us here have a partner who has not only failed to support you here, but by sitting with his back to you in front of them and having minimum interaction with you in front of them, is feeding the monster, and worse still encouraging them to continue treating you badly, he by his behaviour, is showing his girls that he is on their side, so they have all formed a nice little gang, and they are ganging up on you.
If you can get your partner to speak to them, to tell them he will not put up with them treating you this way, good luck, but perhaps he might address his own bad behviour towards you first. He probably thinks he is keeping the peace by keeping his distance from you in front of his daughters, when in fact what he is doing is laying down the foundations for a future full of anger, resentment, hurt and pain not only for you but for himself, and he is certainly not teaching his daughters how to behave in a loving committed relationshp.
I would encourage you to read as many of the posts on this site as you can, and if possible, show them to your partner ( if you think he would be receptive to it), reading them together would be an eye opener for both of you and would help both of you learn from others. But at least do it for yourself, this site really helps.
My own husband won't have a bar of it, he doesn't think his daughter is anything other than an innocent he has no idea how she is manipulating him. But this site has not only given me somewhere to go where I feel understood, but it has helped me no end by confirming my decision to disengage which was taken before I found the site was not only the right decision, but the best decision for me and my sanity.
My husband has always taken the ignore it and it will go away approach, he thought 8 years ago, in time his kids would get used to the situation in time if we just sit back do nothing and wait it will all be good, well I let him do it his way, and after 8 years of abuse from his daughter I finally slammed the door on her abuse and hatred towards me, two months ago and told her to never come back. Ignoring the situation, having lovely little chats with daughter in front of me, in which I was never incuded, allowing daughter to come into our home and pretend I didn't exist, and better yet, whenever I offered the princess coffee, she as usual would not answer me, daddy and her boyfriend learnt years ago how to work around that, I would ask her directly if she wanted coffee, she would just ignore me, boyfriend or worse daddy would then re-ask the question, she would answer them and they would in turn say yes or no for her so she didn't have to speak to me, daddy does not think that was a problem, he just felt that if she didn't want to speak to me then this was the better option - better for whom I wonder, let me think, awe yeah that's right, better for him and his daughter, they get the life they choose I get the life they dump on me. That is how it was for 8 years and it really hurt so much that I thought I was going mad. Now I have taken back my life, this 29 year old will no longer control my life, she will not dictate how and when things that concern myself and my husband will be done and I am starting to feel good.
I did not want things this way, I wanted a blended family that was civil to each other, and I tried hard to create an enviroment whereby that could happen, but you see - my step kids in particular the step daughter did not want that, they never wanted that, they hated me before they even met me and because my husband never did anything about that they took his compliance and his failure to not only address their rudeness, but his willingess to participate in it with them as confirmation that they were right, I deserved to be hated and treated with disrespect even their daddy was ignoring me so they were right. Our situation has come to the point whereby I will never let that woman in my home again, and the reason it has come to this point is her father failed to do something about her smart mouth and attitude. Your partner needs to see he is going down a path and he is not going to like what he finds at the end if he doesn't change his ways right now.
This problem is not yours to fix, these women are his children and the problem is his, the only problem you need to address is his treatment of you in front of them. It is interesting that he has enough sense to know that treating you like that will keep his daughters happy, but not enough sense to know that in keeping them happy he is making hyou miserable he needs to treat you with respect and his daughters need to see him do it
Best of luck to you.