Helping your kids to deal with anger ,hurt when theyve been hurt my stepparent!
Both my kids are teenagers,but my daughter is living with me full time now,cause she can not except her stepmom & doesnt get along with her at all. My daughter is 17 now & I know both my kids have legit reasons for not caring for her,but I am hurt to see her estranged from her dad because of it. Her dad & I felt it was for best she lives with me full time ,cause of my daughter refusing to show respect while shes visting with them and I have tried talking to my daughter about it ,but she says mom you just dont understand. Both my kids have made it aware to me they feel there step mom was good in beginning,but after her & there dad had child together they both felt left out alot like they werent as important to there dad anymore & have shared with me alot of hurts and anger they feel for her cause they both just dont feel accepted & loved by there stepmother period,but because of there anger & hurt it has caused them to not feel close to there dad putting distance between them and my question is how can I help my kids to work through there feelings,staying neutral that I dont get to emotionally involved. I just feel it shouldnt be this way cause before my kids dad & I divorced both my kids were very close to there dad & thats what me & my kids remember he was always happy very involved with them ,quick to defend them ,but they feel cause of seeing there dad marry women whos now there step mom they can see how she has completely changed him cause they say mom hes not same person anymore & they think that there dads in denial to how she really is cause he loves her,but at this point neither of my kids feel they can talk to there dad like they use to about anything cause he shares everything with his new wife so they resent there dad for it & feel like she shows favortism & is more of a dictator than there friend or stepmom. I can see clearly she doesnt care for my kids maybe at first ,but she has become angry & resentful with them & Im not sure what its going to take for there relationship with her & my kids to be fixed or for there dad to wake up & see that his children have been hurt by his new wife. There needs to be apology's made but its not my place . I have talked with my ex & he shares with me hes at his wits end with our daughter & feels like not trying anymore with her,so that leaves me to pick up the slack when Im hearing different sides from everyone its hard for me to not get emotionally involved cause they are my kids & I love them,but I know enough my kids are good kids & feel they tell me the truth. It all has hurt me .I just dont understand any of it I get mad cause I feel if person cant except your kids you have no buisness marrying them & get fustrated even though Im stepparent myself,so has anyone ever had same situation? any advice be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for listening!
If your XH is at his wit's
If your XH is at his wit's end with your mutual child, she probably did something to deserve it. Especially if, as you state, they were always close before. Did she repeatedly disrespect SM? That seems to be a common theme. I'd have another talk w/ XH again, if I were you, and find out what it is that your DD is doing that has put him at his wit's end.
What is the age difference
What is the age difference between your daughter and her new sibling(s)? Why doesn't she just disengage from the step mother? She doesn't have to be rude, but she doesn't have to be upset if she doesn't get attention from her step mother1
Sorry but it sounds like your
Sorry but it sounds like your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat when new kids came along. Trust me the SM probably really tried in the begininning and gave up because your ex was not parenting his kid. Now she is angry. Completely understandabe.
Been here and lord knows I tried with my SD. She manipulated everyone to believing I was evil and her Dad was mean because he stopped putting up with her behavior. Now she lives with BM, who we refer to as "Bitch" because BM encouraged her to live with her because it was easier than trying to get along with us....
Sorry, no sympathy here, I am sure there is more culpability here than just the SM.
I think I'm too biased on the
I think I'm too biased on the SM thing to be helpful. I'd wonder what the kids have been doing to make SM pull away.
I've pulled away myself for a lot of reasons and I may have a baby at some point. I'm sure this is what they will feel too, new baby, dad and SM don't care about us. but in the end, its because they act so inappropriate and I don't want to be around it. Certainly wouldn't want my new baby around it. A teen SD is the worst too. She never things she does anything wrong. She says the most mean things sometimes and thinks its acceptable. Not saying yours does this, but when I hear "mom you don't understand" as a response to disrespect that just tells me that she is making excuses for her bad behavior. At this age its everyone else's fault but their own.
The other thing is that they are older and a new baby takes up more time. Don't know. At some point (teen years) aren't they supposed to be breaking away from their parents more? Not competing for attention. I couldn't wait to be on my own. In my own situation, at that age they are spoiled and not getting the same treatment that they were.
Thank all of you ladys, Yes
Yes I have talked with my ex & he is at his wits end with her . I cant say I blame him cause my daughter can be a handful for me most the time & I am in no way making excuses for my daughters wrong behavior. I am quick to tell her if your not treating your Step mom right then thats why shes not warm to you,but I have had my daughter in counseling because of it & had her move in with me completely . I feel in my kids situation it has lot to do with both of them my daughter & Stepmom to blame . My son who gets along with everyone has even told me shes not a nice person. Ive even had his family contact me & tell me they didnt feel she was good to my kids,so I can understand the women pulling away ,but I can also understand my kids & dont feel its always the step kids,but stepmom with problem. Just so you know I do encourage my kids to get along with there stepmom teaching them to not be disrespectful to do what she ask,but this has been ongoing thing since there dad married her & they both love there baby brother whos 3 now they have no problem with him its how she treat my kids differences she makes that hurt them. Its how she talks to my kids with no love in her voice, its hows she interferes when my kids try talking alone with there dad & she cuts in conversation which to me is rude. Yes she my ex wife & yes she should be respected but a Step mom also needs to know & be respectful to know her husband & his kids needs there alone time together & not be so intrusive. From what Ive seen she should of never jumped in relationship to start correcting my kids untill she built a relationship with them. No child will respect that thats just commen sense every step parent should know. I feel if my daughter is acting wrong she needs to be held accountable for that & she does cause her dad & I are quick to teach her. I just would honestly like to see them all be close ,but think distance apart can help & both my daughter & her stepmom growing up some. Lot of its immaturity & I feel jealousy of the other. Thank you all for your advice & for listening!
"Its how she talks to my kids
"Its how she talks to my kids with no love in her voice"
This is not going to happen. SM probably realized how different it is with her own child. She is focused on her child now. This they will have to let go of.
"its hows she interferes when my kids try talking alone with there dad & she cuts in conversation which to me is rude. Yes she my ex wife & yes she should be respected but a Step mom also needs to know & be respectful to know her husband & his kids needs there alone time together & not be so intrusive. "
Now This I agree with. I now leave the skids with their dad alone. Give them time together without me. No more parenting at all. Just do your thing. I'll do mine. They aren't going to hear love from me though either. I just don't feel that way. I do respect their time with their father. I respect their BM more than either skid or SO.
SM and your ex are going to have to figure that one out for themselves. Your kids should speak up and say they want dad alone time. Nothing wrong with that. A few hours or half day or a full day whatever. Let them ask for it.
I agree with you but I still
I agree with you but I still feel kindness can go along way with being a step mother & I have also encouraged my kids that I cant always be there that they do need to speak up for themselves,so I can only hope that they can all reconcile there relationship & be close again.
My SD didn't like me because
My SD didn't like me because she couldn't manipulate me. I am a "cold" person and can very easily disassociate myself with what is going on. I don't cry, I don't get all warm and fuzzy and up your business. I have expectations of kids and if you want my respect earn it. You can't earn it by lying, cheating, doing poorly and manipulating households.
I am different than what she thought I should be so I am wrong. BM got involved early on saying she can't do that if it happens again I will stop her. That can't go on that is wrong. When I called down SS13 at the time for hitting YDD10. HE went crying to BM litterally. HELLO you are older, bigger and stronger, and a boy.....and POLEEEEZE, she can't hit you hard enough to hurt, has she left a bruise, beacause I have seen the red marks and bruises you've left. bm called me names on her fb, and skids liked it.
No I was not wrong, I am different than BM. SD wanted to tell DH and I how to talk to her, what to say and how to act. "I don't like when you use a stern voice, you should talk nicer". Hmmmm..........hello????
Even though I have little to do with SD, one phone call saying 12yr I need you- and I will be out the door...... I love both my skids very much. I've just chosen to no longer be hurt by their actions so I exclude them from my life.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm........Kind
Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm........Kind of sounds like the shoe is on the other foot now.....SM occording to you was liked by your children to begin with "she was Good in the begining"......I would strongly DISagree that the person who changed was the SM.....I doubt that she just decided one day...out of the blue to just be cold to your children....I would venture to guess SM tried REALLY hard...had no support from BD and No chance in hell of gaining Skids respect...SM has probably just simply DIENGAGED!!!!!!!!!! I would bet that she too is here Bioching/venting about her SKids....prob the stories of how she tried so hard and the kids are so disrespectful...how they isolate the BD and LIE to him....IF she says anything to them about it SHE is attacked.......How no one understands how hard she has tried...now the SD has gone to live with the BM because now BD cant take his own daughters behavior...worries and frets about her own son and what will happen.....and so on.....
Can ANYONE relate???? These kids are wise beyond their years and they can "learn" so many manipulative ways via movies and the web....and from GUILTY PARENTING SYNDROME..(notice didnt call it "guilty Dad sysndrome" because it kind of looks like BM is giving into Guilt) Soory just MHO...
I would ask BD17...."Please explain to me just WHAT I dont understand"....Bet IF there were real issues with the SM that you would have REAL FACTUAL stories....backed by the BD...and your SON....Where is he is all of this?? As BD seems to be "fed up" with your daughters behavior and you admit that she gives you a hard time too...I would point the guilty finger at BD...Did YOU ever seriously give REAL thought to If your BD is rough on you and you gave birth to her HOW "rough" could BD be in SM and BD??
I know we Bio mom's want to believe that our own flesh and blood would NEVER treat someone else so VILE....But it is the painful truth.....KIDS DONT LIKE THEIR BIO PARENTS BEING APART!!!!!!!!!
They put up a fuss NO MATTER what the age.....ask some posters with Adult Skids....Do we BM like it? NO WAY! But WE BM's need to work really hard to CO Parent...We need to see that what our children learn about relating to others will effect them in their adult life/relationships...Not to mention the reason for your post...Rip the relationship they had with their BD apart...it is easier to be mean and dislike someone than it is to try to get to know them and to try to treat others like we want to be treated.....Plain and Simple it is "Who will love me?" They feel the need to compete....and not be "replaced" Unfortunately we parents have to go to parenting classes as part of the divorce but the kids have NOTHING......Just torn parents who they both love and then the "replacement" who is easy to hate and palce all of their displaced anger on.....Not good......
I dont want to come across as mean....maybe its just my pent up frustration with one of my skids...who's BM takes her LIES as gosple and has cause herself LEGAL trouble over allowing her child to stir the pot with lies and the VERY SAME: "But Mommy YOU just dont UNDERSTAND!!!!!" whine cry boohhoo....JUST to be PROVEN over and over that the kid LIES......
Good Luck.....think it is high time your SD17 comes clean.....
This is all written in good intentions and with my best wishes...I can feel your pain...you asked what we thought...So I just had to say what I feel....
Yep, teenagers!
Yep, teenagers! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think daughter and SM both
I think daughter and SM both share some of the blame. The person who should get most of the blame is the father. He allowed things to get to this point. When the kids started disrespecting the SM, he should have corrected them. When the SM started in on the kids, he should have stopped her. He should have let all 3 know that the birth of a new child will not change the level of love, commitment... to his first 2 children. SM is most likely sitting back doing a happy dance because she "won". But did she win? A man who has shown that he will toss his child aside for his mate. Who in their right mind wants a person that would do that? None of us know what the future holds. There may come a time when her child will have a SM. OP I know it has to be killing you to see your daughter hurt by this. I hope she finds peace and eveything works out. Oh I'm a BM and SM dealing with 2 BMs. One is normal the other is extra crazy.