My husband & I have three children between us. My step-son is Jordan(8), my step-daughter Misty(5) and our daughter together Abigail; who just turned 3.

My husband was divorced from his ex 4 ½ year ago and we got together soon after that so I have been in my step-children’s life for quite a while. Though the divorce; my husband was able to maintain 50% custody, 50% physical placement of his children. We have a schedule set in the court system that we get them every two days and every other weekend as both families live in the same town so it is very flexible. Even though all of this; his ex and her new husband (she just remarried 9 months ago) still lives on state assistance and we pay her more then $300 a month in child support; which we have gotten used to as my husband & I make enough between the two of us that it doesn’t really matter as we hope it goes for the children.

The problem is that the ex is still horrible and now she is trying to make it difficult for the children and I am not sure how much more I can deal with this woman……
Here are a few things to speak of –

When she married her new husband after only dating for 6 months; she has been pushing the children to call her new husband “Dad”. Now through my husband & I’s relationship; I HAVE NEVER even mentioned them children call me Mom as I relieve that even though I don’t like their mother – I will never replace her. They see nothing wrong with it as they say the kids know who their dad and we shouldn’t get upset.

My husband & I make a good income and I purchase nice things when we can (name-brand clothing & shoes for example) for my step-children as I believe the children deserve to have the nice things. My husband’s ex continues to complain to the children that it is non of my business buying anything for them and that she thinks we are spoiling them with buying this for them. I don’t see anything wrong with wanted to do this for them but I don’t believe it is right to talk to the children that way but if I dare to bring it up – she screams at me and will argue with my husband to the point that it upsets him.

My huge concern is the discipline/respect with the children. I personally was raised in a very strict home growing up. I don’t mean that I wasn’t able to be a kid but you respected your parents, you respected other people’s things and space, I was given limits to things, etc. Now my husband’s ex has NO DISCIPLINE in her home. Her children control the situation there. When she has them – she takes them to the movies nightly, takes them here or there everyday, buys them candy, soda pop, junk food, etc whenever they want. The problem with this is that when they come back to our home – that is what they expect here. Now I don’t mind doing things for them but I work two jobs and go to school full-time for my bachelors and my husband works long hours as well so we don’t have a lot of time or money to do a lot of the things that she is able to do even though she doesn’t pay her financial obligations to her creditors as they still call our home looking for her so we are aware of it. We have worked extremely hard to have the children respect us when they are in our home but every time we seem to get them on the right track – they go back to their mom’s. When they are at our home – it is constantly noisy, they are constantly running, screaming, yelling, not listening, etc. I just feel that they need to respect other people that live in the home that would like to have quiet time, not to have the TV screaming 24/7 in the background, that I could go the other room to study for my education and not be able to hear everything that is going on. When I tell them that – they just look at me like I am crazy and they say – they don’t have to do that at their mom’s house. It is just a completely different home between families and I understand it is hard for them but I don’t know how to deal with it without being so hard on them.

I get a lot of comments from my step-children that their mother has told them that they don’t have to listen to me, that their mom has told them that I am too strong on them even though she doesn’t even see or speak to me, etc. I have even spoke to a mutual friend (It is my husband’s 2nd cousin) that deals with my husband’s ex everyday and she has even stated that the ex like to live off of drama, that she constantly talks bad about me and my husband in front of the children, etc.

My husband has tried to make peace but he doesn’t want to be too hard on them due to that we don’t have them all the time. He is always afraid that he is too hard on them – they won’t want to come home to our home and if he even dares to discuss this with their mother – she screams and yells and then hangs up the phone. We have problems even with Jordan getting into trouble at school with not listening to his teachers and acting out. He is always talking back to my husband & I when he is told to do something. He seems to be getting a little better lately but I feel sometimes we have to be so strong on him to get him to listen and I feel it is not fair to him and Misty is starting to have problems now with stealing from me and her mother and lying a lot.

I just don’t know how to deal with her anymore. I have tried to not even talk to her and have my husband deal with her (which we do as I decided it is not healthy for me to deal with her) but she seems to get worse when I do that. I hate what she is doing to the children – I love my step-children like my own since I have been in their life for so long and I don’t treat them any different then I treat our 3 year old. I realize that I will have to deal with her the rest of my life as our children between the two families are brother & sisters but I don’t know how to deal with the situation anymore.

Any opinions & suggestions on my situation would be great. :puzzled: