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My father passed away last week after a decline in his health in the last 6 months. My SS34 and SD30 were both familiar with him since he has always been at my home for ALL family gatherings and I have been in their lives for 26 years. My dad was always kind to both of them, never anything negative. I have yet to hear from either of them. I was out of town for a couple of weeks helping my brother care for my Dad who had been on hospice before he died. My DH called both Skids (no answer, he left messages)and told them of his decline and ultimately his passing. My SS34's wife called my cell phone and left a message (I returned her call) as I was still out of town, telling me how sorry she was, however, my SS34 never returned my DH's message personally or called me. The SD30 did return DH's call and told DH she was sorry to hear that. I think my DH is growing numb to their insensativity. When I overcame the shock of losing my father and all that goes with it, I questioned DH about what he thought of the Skids neglegence. I let him know how it hurt me to think they can't call me and atleast extend their condolences. I think he prefers to overlook it and sweep it under the rug, yet again, and can't understand why I don't want to be around them for a rescheduled Thanksgiving dinner. Well, unfortunately, I don't think I can do it anymore. This is to me the ultimate slap in the face. I mean for God's sake, not even a sympathy card, something that even resembles kindness. They have planned a gathering for Dec. 6 since they already have plans for Thanksgiving. I know they plan on being here on Christmas at some point. I don't even know how to treat these two ingrates anymore or if I am just being over sensative considering I am just a STEPMOM and shouldn't have any expectations. Nevertheless, it's very hurtful to me because I am a considerate person, and would treat a friend or acquaintance with more caring. My DH is just quiet when I talk about it, I think he realizes how crappy it is but doesn't want to confront them about it and would rather pretend that it's just an oversight on their part. I feel like I am being pushed into a corner with no option other than to stand up for myself. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I just don't know anymore. I am so TIREDOFIT...!!!!! Any advice/thoughts would be so appreciated. Thanks

This is classic skid

This is classic skid behavior. Lets take a look at how many times "they" do nothing when it comes to SM & our family. A suggestion on how to let go of this is...please understand that anyone can make the effort to be caring, loving and generous. It takes alot of effort to be tolerant of those that cant find care, love or generousity of heart. Tolerance is my suggestion...even in this trying time.

I struggle with tolerance

I struggle with tolerance too! It kills me to see how we and our spouses get mistreated and we're just supposed to keep putting up with it. Last night my husband told me he prefers the "kill them with kindness" approach so as to heap burning coals on their heads. Personally, I just prefer to kill them all off, mean as it sounds. Being NICE has gotten me NOWHERE. I watch DH get really moody about his kids yet he "glows" when they finally do reach out to him and it's usually because they want something. I hope I'm not that naive when my son is older. Thank God he's only 9 now and I'm learning a lot from the SK as to what I will not put up with.

Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss TiredofIt. My dad passed away December 4, 2004. I know how bad it feels and especially around the holidays! I hope you find the peace and comfort to get you through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've been choking up and crying a lot lately as it's just not the same family wise once you've lost a parent. I keep telling my husband I have the holiday blues and the last thing I need from his children is more grief.

I am very sorry to hear

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I also went through this a few years back. As a stepmother for 25 years at that time I was also appalled by the lack of empathy that my adult 30 something step kids showed towards me and thier half sisters at this particularly difficult time of our lives. There were no acknowledgements, no expressions of sympathy - just when will you be able to babysit next expectations! In contrast, when their grandmother passed away recently I at least sent a symapthy card to both of them despite their not talking to me or their father for many months and the fact that this grandmother on their mother's side had never been very cordial towards me or thier half sisters!

As "livin the dream"'s above comment indicated, I practiced tolerance after my father's passing, ignoring their bad behavior. However, I am not sure that that was the best option as allowing these stepkids to treat us in such a callous manner in some ways resulted in the final blowup that we are now going through - all because they were not given their father's inheritance! Standing up to them earlier may have ended up the same but it may also have given them a chance to recognize that they were behaving hypocritcally by placing arbitray rules on my husband's and my behavior that they were not adhering to themselves.

For example, these are the same adult stepkids that now criticize me because they say I do not treat them the same as I do my minor BDs at Christmas(it's always all about the money with them). Of course they ignore the fact that they do not treat me or their half sisters and never have treated us the same as they do their own mother or each other. Actually they not only do not treat me the same they more often than not do not acknowledge me at all! If I were to bring this up I guarantee the first thing out of my adult SS's mouth (he often blurts before he thinks) would be "but you're not our mother!"

Ironically, despite their attitude and ugly behavior towards me they still want me to spend my own money on them and resent me because I spend more on my minor biological kids! What's with this?????

At this point I feel that it is hopeless because they can't seem to see beyond what it is they are not getting or do not have but think that they are entitled to! After years of their mistreatment and manipulation of myself , my husband, and now my children I don't see myself forgiving them or forgetting. I cetainly have no intention of ever again rewarding this behavior either.

So I suggest that you take a stand as ignoring this simply allows you to continue to be treated in the same manner. Following the course that your husband wants of never making waves simply prolongs the inevitable. Hopefully your stepkids will have more empathy and consderation once it is brought to their attention than mine ever could (shades of narcissism at work).

I hear you on entitlement.

I hear you on entitlement. The luxury items the SKs see that DH has are because of me (nice car, HDTV, new 22 inch LCD computer monitor, etc.) How I spend my money is NONE of their business. My husband's take home pay is maybe $1,400 a month after taxes, and yet it blows my mind the SKs think he has money to burn on them! If DH were still making over $2,000 a month take home plus overtime (prior to losing a shift differential and his hours going from 40 hours a week to 35 a week) I wouldn't care if he blew $300 for them on Christmas gifts but almost 1/5 of his take home pay and I have to make up what he doesn't give me for bills if he decides to go on and blow money on them? No thanks! If he gives them a total $300 Christmas, I have to put $800 of my own money on bills on top of what I already pay. I remind husband if he were still living in his one bedroom efficiency apartment and only bringing home $1,400 a month, wasn't married to me and had a car payment, rent, etc. and hadn't had my help to get 2 children removed off child support, he would not be able to make it. Some days I just feel taken for granted. I pay 2 times what he gives me on bills and do it because I love him. I don't think it's asking too much for him to put things in perspective with our current finances and do less for his children given they are grown.

When DH dies I would hope he would leave everything to me. Our deal was I'd pay the bulk of the bills til his youngest dropped off child support and then that $500 a month would come back to me and would not make him look like a "kept" man once child support was over. We never dreamed he'd have to take a pay cut to keep his job yet the kids still feel entitled. To them it is Christmas all year long and considering we've helped most of them out throughout the year, I really didn't feel like giving them "less money" for Christmas would be a big deal but it's like my husband has "conveniently forgotten" all we gave them from January to November.

Thank you for your kind

Thank you for your kind words, eyesblue68. I'm sorry about the loss of your dad, as well. It is very tough, especially here at the holidays. It really puts things in perspective, doesn't it? It's a shame things remain so petty on other levels. I'm not really sure I matter that much to SS and SD, which is fine....I have pretty much had my fill of their selfish behavior at this point anyway. I know for sure one thing....if they were just acquaintances on the street, they aren't the type of people I would ever be friends with or socialize with. I just hate the fact that they are in my life and by my trying to distance myself from them, it only hurts DH more. I would just as soon skip Thanksgiving and Christmas this year altogether. I don't feel much like celebrating anything right now and I certainly don't feel like putting on a smiley mask so as not to make them feel anything. My DH, like yours is so thrilled whenever he gets any attention from his kids. It's like starving a puppy, and when you finally throw it a bone, it thinks it's got a TBONE STEAK. So sad to watch it, I love him and I'm just sick to death of watching them neglect him especially when he just takes it in stride and keeps reaching out. I think that will be my prayer this holiday season, not necessarily for me but for him to be able to reach his kids....I'm not going to kid myself though, I know some prayers go unanswered. Gosh, I sound like such a downer....I'm not usually this low, it's just a bad time right now, when families pull together.....sadly that part of the "family" doesn't reciprocate. Thanks for your response, I wish you a happy Thanksgiving! :o)

I agree with your

I agree with your resolution, Longtime. I know, down deep, that things will NEVER be anything more than it is right now. Those kids are so much more concerned about what we can do for them and never think about what they could do for someone else. I guess if DH insists that there is no problem between us all, then they will be here around Christmas time, whenever they fit it in and DH can just take the chance of me "blurting out" my true feelings about how they have treated me when they come on with their phony questions of "how are you" "sorry about your dad", it's a little too late. I hate that it has come to this, I'm sure I will be the ASS when it all blows sky high. At this point, I haven't been around them for so long now because of their "problems" with me, so who knows how this is going to play out. All I know is that right now, I don't have room in my head for much more of this trivial selfish Bull Sh!t, it seems so insignificant, yet I have to be the one to bend over for it and I am done. I hate to think of preparing food and trying to make it so festive and light hearted, if it weren't for my BS16 and my little 3 year old granddaughter, I would skip all of it. I know that the outcome will be similar for me as it was you. These Skids won't acknowledge their failure or admit anything, it's just not in their nature. I think that they believe if they don't feel like doing something, then it must not have been necessary in the first place. Does that make any sense?

Thanks windee! I love that

Thanks windee! I love that image...LOL. Seriously, thank you to everyone for the tremendous support on this website. It is truly a life saver at times. It's really strange how bits and pieces of every story I've read on here mirror my own. Thanks again friends!!

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I shouldn't be surprised!