I have been through a breakup in the family. Both of my parents divorced each other, and then I watched them both divorce their second spouses, who they were married to for decades.  I think I am pretty rational, so I can't say that irrationality is a given trait when parents of adult children divorce.

However, I do think that adult children who have been given too much authority into their parent's lives seem to be the ones overstepping their bounds and dictate what their parents should and should not be doing.  Were the children raised to be entitled and at least one of the parents passive? Look out.

Your SS34 is doing nothing but trying to inflict guilt upon his father in order to control him. "You, Dad, are a religious leader but you did not fight for mother. You must feel horribly guilty for your actions and thus should do exactly as what we children say."

This board is rife with descriptions of BM's who cheated multiple times (Bio-Ho's), took drugs, commited several atrocities but are the sainted mothers to their children. Don't overanalyze it; you won't get anywhere.

You also won't get anywhere by trying to analyze what is behind the thought process of your skids.  They are entitled and think they should have been consulted before an Intruder was brought into their Holy Family.   I've done the same trying to figure out why OSD was behaving the way she was. After time you will realize it does not matter; let these skids fester in their own misery....you did not raise them. 

Since the family is so religious, your DH should tell his children that it is God's place to judge him, not theirs, and they need to move on with their lives.

No matter what you do, if you are not crazy, you cannot think like Crazy.  We've all tried.  Crazy is just crazy.  Crazies are so entitled, they transcend the laws of logic.  They don't have to make sense.  It's emotional reasoning.  Facts follows feelings.  If they feel something is true, it's true.  If they hurt, it must be because YOU hurt them.  They don't have to stop and think about what is reasonable.  They are not responsible for their fee fees.  You can read up on this at shrink4men.com.

I suspect this will be my future. Last summer, one SS kept saying, “I know secrets, Dad. I know secrets about you.” When he was alone with DH he said, “I know secrets, Dad. Mom told me how you caused the divorce.” Because he’s an adult and not a juvenile like BM, DH said something like, “the divorce is an adult thing and it has nothing to do with my relationship with you.” Then because he’s a sensitive, Pollyanna, DH said to me, “well, I wasn’t around much during the final years of our marriage.” I pointed out to him that he wasn’t around because he had to travel far for work because BM refused to move, even though she worked from home and also how he and BM fought like crazy even before they got married.

The truth of the matter is that DH and BM never should have gotten married. DH said they fought a lot even before getting married, but DH - being an eternal optimist - always hoped things would get better. They also had kids - through IVF, so not an accident and required conscious effort on their part - because, at least DH, hoped it would improve their relationship. 

The other truth is that BM never would have filed for divorce if she hadn’t met someone else. She moved her SO and his child in four months after she kicked DH out of the house and told him he couldn’t come back to get anything (not sure why DH went along with this, since BM had no grounds for kicking him out). I’m assuming that BM realizes that SSs are now old enough to figure out that BM decided to divorce because she met her SO and is trying to deflect blame. Then again, BM has “borderline tendencies” and the emotionally maturity of a 14 year old, so she could just be trying to build an alliance with an 11 year old in the only way she knows how - making herself look better by making others look bad.

DH prides himself on his “loyalty”, so would never have filed for divorce on his own, even though he had been miserable for years and used to do anything to avoid being near BM even when they were together in the same house. I’ve pointed out to him that being loyal to people who don’t deserve your loyalty is not something to be proud of. I guess he thought it was better for SSs to have two parents in the same house, even if those two parents obviously hated one another.

I know one SS - the one enmeshed with BM - will likely pull the same BS with DH as your Skids are pulling with your DH. BM doesn’t pay much attention to the other one, but still manages to manipulate him, so who knows what he will do. He’s an overly anxious kid, so I’m sure at some point, BM will try to convince him that he’s anxious because DH is so terrible. 

You can't possibly think you can go back in time, get in the middle of a marriage in the middle of a family - in neither of which you had any role - and now determine with any certainty "who" was at fault.

Who told you your husband "spent hours outside the bedroom door weeping???" Who told you the ex had two affairs? Do you really think anything coming from the players involved isn't twisted with emotion and allegiance? CONSIDER THE SOURCE when you are told anything. You can know their stories, but you'll never know the truth.

Your DH is setting boundaries with his kids and that is great.  Your support of him is commendable.  Why the step adults are behaving in this manner, matters not one iota.  Trying to figure it out could drive you crazy.  Crazy has its own logic and rules which they don’t apply to themselves.  This all about power and control but the why of it just does not matter.  The fact your SS has stated that your DH should have tried harder in his first marriage  is none of his business or concern.  Your DH and you have the right to live your lives and crazy should not have any place in your relationship.  At this point in time, I don’t see why either of you two would want any adults in your life that threaten your marriage.  Perhaps sometime they may come to accept you, but until then, they should just stay away.

Kids, regardless of if they are 8 or 38, will often pick sides based on things other than reality.  They often side with the parent who is less available to them.  They often side with the parent who they fear will abandon them.  They often side with the parent who takes them under their wing and shares inappropiate and one sided details of the marriage.  They often BLAME the parent who will not push back against their accusations.  Failure to push back is often seen as acceptance that the SChild is correct in their (faulty) assessment of the family dynamics and broken relationships.  You can't help the bio mom but you might be able to help your DH.

Yes, you fell in love with your DM for his kind and gentle nature but he has fault in his first marriage. He stayed too long, he had kids with someone who did not love him, he avoided the marriage and therefore the kids, he put all the burdon of ending the marriage on her when he did not want it either.  I found, for me, that I needed to own my own "bulls**t" to really heal from my divorce.  Once I owned my avoidance,  the blaming, and especially my victem status I could truly move beyond it all.  I could believe, with all my heart, that God had a purpose for all that pain.   It lead me to a life I never would have had, an understanding I never would have grasped, if I had stayed in that dead marriage.

When I had the confidence that I had done all that I could, the self assuredness that I had forgiven myself of the errors in my first marriage, was I able to look my kids (who were young at the time) and not be rattled, upset, or bothered by their off the wall statments about why dad did not live with us any longer.  I could call them on their "bulls**t" accusations and off the wall statments.  I was nice about it.  Often I would laugh and would say something like "what would make you think that?"  If they referred to dad I would gently tell them that was between dad and me - not them.  Kids, young or old, actually want someone to have some boundaries.

These kids are adults and believe (from bm) that they are entitled to an opinion on the long dead marriage.  Your husband's direct, confident, firm, polite, reponse to these kids that this is NOYB is the first step for them to have an idea that there might be another side to the story that mom has been telling them for the last decade. 

Good Luck

Time for DH to outline exactly what you wrote regarding the FACTS of the BM's deparvity and the depths of the battle DH fought to save that marriage.

Any time the idiot squeeks... wipe  his nose in the stench of his idiocy.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  It is this that keeps idiots under the slime covered rock they live under at the bottom their shallow and polluted gene pools. In this case... the half of the gene pool brought to play by BM.  God has no time or interest in fixing idiocy. That is why the greatest gift to man is intellect.  Idiots that choose not to apply that gift.... you just write off.

smh

Honestly I think you and DH should take a vacation from reading and responding to ss34's emails.  Use mail settings to set DH's email to forward ss's emails to a folder that he will check only once a week and then respond to once a week.  If there is an emergency or something really important then ss can call or text, if email is only used for his mantrums then it's best to create space in the receipt and response of it.  

Personally I would never read another one of ss's email tirades. Your DH should be the one to carry the full weight of his childrens immaturity. By sharing it with you he's releiving his burden which isn't fair. He's a man, he's the father, he should be feeling the full brunt of the drama with his kids, not you.  Tell DH you love him and that you'll skip reading ss's email this time.  

exH emailed me the other day and I knew it was going to be about stupid drama crap, so I  waited to read it until I got home and asked DH to please read it in his best cartoon character voice.  I generally don't get DH involved in any drama w/the exH but I was just not in the mood for the bull crap but this time we both had a good laugh at exH tirading on in Mickey Mouse voice!  

I went to church for many years and I learned that being a man of God doesn't have to equate being meek, gentle and allowing people to walk over you. Jesus was not always kind. Remember the money changers at the temple? God flooded the earth to kill off almost all of his wicked children and start over.  SS is truly being disobedient, disrespectful and dishonorable to his father. All in total contridiction to a child's responsibility to a parent in the Bible.  

SM Proverbs: He who assaults his father and drives his (step) mother away Is a shameful and disgraceful son. 

https://www.soulshepherding.org/1998/07/jesus-set-boundaries/  I enjoyed this article.  Best to you Ms. Tigerlily.