why are stepmothers bashed for wanting marriage to be a priority?
I joined babycenter because I had a high risk pregnancy that's neither here nor there the baby is one month old and in good shape and I thank god for that every day.
The step life has been very difficult and at times I've wanted to take my kid and run in this case before he was born. I had joined the step parenting forum and had to leave it because I was bashed for wanting my marriage to be a priority.
Then I asked a question about custody should I decide to leave and I was bashed because I didn't want to spend my life coming in 2nd to BM and SD. Basically saying roll over take it and be happy because SD and BM were "here first" what does that have to do with anything?? Its really about who was here first?
Look in all honesty I care about my SD and have done a lot and put in a lot of effort but I wont tolerate me and my son coming in 2nd to them. I want priority. Why am I a bad person for that?
I think it's a matter of
I think it's a matter of putting things in order. If you are your husband's priority, it frees you up emotionally to take care of the kids, yours and his, and you will be enabled to be fair because YOU are in your rightful place. I think it's a matter of how we were created and how it's supposed to be, but then I will probably get bashed for saying that. What else is new lol?
Its the age old thing, if you
Its the age old thing, if you take away marriage and step families the general consensus is that your children come first. Problem is, thats all well and good but in actual fact children dont come first. The relationship between a husband and wife comes first, it is a very different type of relationship (otherwise theres some illegal shit going on) and the couple put the children as a priority together. A priority not THE priority.
The problem is, people always get up in arms about the interpretation because as soon as you say "I want my marriage to come first" people start taking up their pitch forks assuming that you mean that you are the wicked person sitting on their ass demanding to be fed, watered and looked after, causing all those around you misery and using children like slaves.
When in actual fact all you mean is for those sacred marriage rows you and your partner made to one another are kept, that you are their priority, that your relationship comes before others because its you two against the world. You have to be strong as a couple otherwise what was the point in marrying?
Without being rude theres no sacred ritual to having children, any dumb ass can go get pregnant or get someone else pregnant. But the whole thing is, when someone says I want my marriage to come first, people assume that you therefore mean the kids come last and I am yet to meet any step parent who thinks that is acceptable. Particularly not at the start of their step interactions!
Yeah, usually new stepparents
Yeah, usually new stepparents are the ones in the front of the pitchfork mob lol. They are SO determined *they* will not be the wicked stepmother that they go all silly overboard being on the stepkids' side. (I kinda did that, to my shame.)
That site and cafemom are
That site and cafemom are both antistepmom, according to them we are to bow to skids and BM and do it with a smile on our faces. They are all full of shit and lie like crazy about their lives. Don't let them get to you!
That's what it felt like
That's what it felt like completely
I mean these people ripped me
I mean these people ripped me a new one. Im selfish I'm a bad person wow I never felt such animosity from strangers. Ive done a lot to make my relationship work and a lot of sacrifices for SD DH and BM and Its not enough I should be doing more and I should stay and put up with more even if I'm unhappy.
I'm sorry you experienced
I'm sorry you experienced that but please don't go there or Cafemom for step parenting advice, like I said they are trying to portray someone they are not, most of them are BM's on there pretending to be step just to do exactly what you experienced. Hugs!
Yea I suspected that.
Yea I suspected that.
Ah Dtzy I have so missed you
Ah Dtzy I have so missed you and your way to perfectly word things
Nope they did not
Nope they did not misunderstand me they wanted me to accept the fact that SD will always come before me and my biological son and yea they kind of bashed me for putting my biological son over my SD. It was a long a drawn out post when I was asking about how custody would work should we split and they couldn't understand why I was unhappy. They thought I should just accept BMs bulls$it and be happy that DH is a great father to SD and I should be happy with being put on the backburner basically be happy with coming in 2nd because you know 2nd wives and children should always be second class citizens. I don't buy what they are selling. Him being a wonderful guilty daddy is great and all but I need a husband too and it was something they just didn't get. It was like they were only reading what they wanted to read to start a fight.
I am the odd one here, as I
I am the odd one here, as I have never really looked at who comes "first".
Blended families have a hard dynamic for sure! So complicated.
My household needs to run and feel a certain way for me to be happy in it. BM did not like that, but my feeling was tough sh*t. My house, my rules.
Now hubby and I almost got a divorce because of how complicated it gets. I could not take his daughter and BM attitude any more and I did not want my son to be around it. But I never felt he was putting his daughter"first" during that time and he did not feel I was pitting my son "first". I was just trying to balance all the complicated crap of blended families.
For me, kids and my husband are first. Different days mean different challenges. My hubby knows he means the world to me and my kids know they mean the world to me.
Well yea in that case nobody
Well yea in that case nobody is first or second its all equal and I even tried to stress that but to them nope it should not be equal my needs and my sons needs mean nothing we just need to sit pretty while DH does everything for his first family and we get sloppy seconds. And that's really how it felt to me. It was so bad
By adding your son to the
By adding your son to the mix, it sounds like you want your husband to put one of his kids ahead of the other. That line of thinking will set some folks off.
Nah id never make him choose
Nah id never make him choose there's no need for that SD is not bad well sometimes she is but even if she was bad I would never make him choose but I do want to be important and don't want to feel like a second rate citizen in my own marriage. I got married to have a husband not just a dad.
I think when you say you're
I think when you say you're putting your marriage first over the kids, people jump to conclusions that you are going to be self-centered and end up ignoring or neglecting your stepkids.
Much of the negative view of stepparents come from stereotypes of the widow/widower remarrying and the connotation in those situations is the the children have to come first - otherwise who would take care of them and otherwise the stepparent will be horrible to them. It's the Cinderella and the wicked stepmother type of situation. Or an evil stepfather like the Dickens' novel David Copperfield.
The truth is with widowers, there is the problem that some men cope with the loss of their wives by falling head over heals with a new woman and getting involved in a happy romance and ignore their kids. The same thing happens with divorced dads.
For myself, I tend to dislike
For myself, I tend to dislike the whole "first" or "priority" thing. It's just too black and white when I think "who gets the attention" is entirely situational. The better question, to me, is - does my husband make me feel valued? (Leaving bios and skids out of it entirely.) It's not a competition. As long as my DH makes me feel important to him, then I don't give a crap what he does or does not do for the skids. (I DO care, obviously, that he makes our bios feel important to him. So if he's treating them differently we're going to have a problem.) If my DH is NOT making me feel important to him, then we have a problem, but it's got nothing to do with the skids. How he treats them (or his mother, or his friends, or the guy who lives down the street for that matter) is totally irrelevant to how I want him to treat me.
I'm in a similar situation as
I'm in a similar situation as you, I completely understand. I always feel like I'm not a priority to my husband at all, actually just had an argument over that. I give a lot him and his kids and get very little in return, and I don't mean material things or money.
Don't let anyone make you feel like that. Iv eV thought about leaving, what is so worth staying and getting hurt over?
I'm in a similar situation as
I'm in a similar situation as you, I completely understand. I always feel like I'm not a priority to my husband at all, actually just had an argument over that. I give a lot him and his kids and get very little in return, and I don't mean material things or money.
Don't let anyone make you feel like that. Iv eV thought about leaving, what is so worth staying and getting hurt over?