...that your timing was a good idea. My BF broke up with his girlfriend when the kids were barely 1 and 2, and I've always considered it a blessing that the kids were still very young when we started dating (2 & 3). He never wanted to marry her and finally decided to leave, but he felt bad for the kids. But because the kids were so young they've always known me to be in their lives, thank goodness. (I have nothing to do with them breaking up by the way. That was before I even came into the picture.) In the beginning, we went through sooooo many arguements because he thought I didn't understand, but in actuality he had a very hard time establishing boundaries for the simple fact that 1)he didn't know what they should be & 2)he still felt super guilty about the breakup. I remember our first Father's Day, he went out with HER and the kids to a fair! Can u believe that? Well, I didn't say much at the time because I was trying to figure out what the heck the boundaries were supposed to be, too. Fast forward 3 years later and now we are in a much much much better place. We do separate birthday celebrations and holidays, and he only talks to her about the kids, and even then it's very cordial. He is extra careful of not being too buddy-buddy with her because we've agreed to that (I'm not in contact with any of my exes; I just don't believe in staying friends with the ex thing), besides the fact that she is pretty rude to me. I've always tried to be friendly and speak to her but when I'm around she refuses to look in my direction, or she'll keep her back to me, or she'll literally run when she sees me coming. She speaks badly about me in front of the kids, and told them not to love me, etc. So it's quite annoying, especially because she tries to be so nicey-nice with him. So he keeps it cordial with her. He usually understands where I'm coming from, especially since he is super territorial over me himself. So he gets it. I've never been in a situation where the sight of someone I was with made me angry, but one of my closest friends is in that same situation, so I can see where you were coming from on that one. He doesn't even have to speak, but his very presence drives her up the wall. It's wonderful that you're now happily married (with the expected growing pains of course!)

And you're right! I read that in every single thing I read about blended families, and marriages in general: the marriage relationship is the core of the whole dynamic. I agree with you on that!

I'm definitely NOT an advocate for staying in a marriage if one really feels the need for divorce. I can say that I definitely woulndn't stay if I really wanted to leave! My point stemmed from reading Hesitant's entry, and from then reflecting on my past experience. I don't feel like I was dragged into my current relationship, but I DID feel like I was dragged into unnecessary drama, altho I guess I did go willingly because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. My point was mainly that as stepparents or future stepparents, we are sometimes on opposite sides of the fence when in disagreements with our DHs/BFs when it comes to boundaries & certain situations concerning the kids. & a lot of times we have to be on eggshells because naturally they can be quite defensive, and during those times, the explanation, "It's for the kids!" or "I have to put the kids first" is always thrown out there. & then what can we say? Anything we say after that, we become the insensitive, selfish bad guy.

For instance, in the beginning of our relationship, when we were discussing boundaries, the hypothetical situations such as "What if the kids are begging for me to go to the park with them and their mom?" or "what if one of the kids are sick (as in a bad cold) and can't leave the house, can't I spend the night over their house?" or "shouldn't I still do things like 'family outings' so the kids still have their stable structure?" And when I objected, his response was "It's not about their mom. It's about the kids! I won't sacrifice their happiness! etc, etc, etc." Mind you, he's never been married. He knew he never wanted to marry her before or after the kids, & knew she wasn't The One for him. According to him & his family, he knew that long before they even had kids, but you know how things can happen. That's a whooole other story. But I digress!

So when he'd spout "stable family structure" and stuff, I was rolling my eyes. Anyhow, you can imagine how pissed off I was going back & forth with the boundaries issue. But that was in the beginning when we were still ironing things out. Before we started dating, he was casually dating other people, but nothing serious, so he didn't really have to go through the process of setting up any real boundaries.

But, yes, I suppose "it's for the kids!" can be somewhat of a trigger in me. He & I definitely, I think, keep in mind how things affect the kids in everything we do (unlike BM who says negative things about us in front of the kids, & then I have to smooth it over with "Your mom didn't mean it when she said that," meanwhile seething inside). But the ridiculous stuff that used to be expained away with "but it's for the kids!" aren't issues of contention anymore.

I definitely can say that putting in the time has been worth it. We're much stronger and have a better foundation now. I feel like we've been through more in the last few years than some couples have been through in 10! But I know you ladies on here all know what I'm talking about firsthand! But even though sometimes the babymamadrama can put a hamper on things, I do really love the fact that he's never been married before. That was honestly one of the bright spots in the whole picture for me. I never wanted to be a second wife, at least, not during my first marriage. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just wanted my First (and hopefully only) marriage to be my husband's First Marriage as well. I'm all for "the Second time around," but not before I give the First time around a shot! I can't help it, I'm big on "Firsts!" lol! But so is he! So that's something we both look forward to doing for the first time together.

I've thought about that since knowing he was The One, and I feel like it wasn't what I always envisioned growing up, BUT, there is a reason for everything and there's a reason his kids are in my life as well. Maybe for extra love and guidance. I don't know, but I'm sure there's a reason! lol! plus, I know we have a lot of "firsts" to do with "our" first child, even for the simple fact that we'll all be in the same household so he can be a lot more hands on in the parenting area. He doesn't feel like he is with his 2 current kids because they are in a different household.

Our philosophy is pretty much, when they are over there with their mom, they're with their mom. When they're with us, they're with us. He doesn't try to tell their mother what she needs to feed them, how she needs to handle situations, etc. And she doesn't do that on her end either. We just do our best to guide them when the kids are with us. For instance, she lets them run wild, we don't. The daughter can be sassy, and I calmly but firmly let her know when she is being rude. Early on, we got the kids to stop all that juice drinking and start drinking more water, as well as take healthy kids vitamins. I wasn't trying to interfere, but I couldn't bear us eating so healthily (we're into organics), and then see what the kids were eating all the time. They didn't want to eat what we made because they wanted the fast food and the packaged tv dinner stuff. That's what they were used to eating and they refused to eat our food. We couldn't stuff it down their throats, but it didn't feel right to be eating a healthy meal and then looking at their plates with all that junk. Still, we do what we can do.

It's been a pretty easy process after the initial couple years of the "boundaries issue". Still, the BM speaks badly about me, his family, and I think him too, but we don't address it. I was really pissed off and hurt when his daughter told me that her mother said to not love me, but hey, what can you do? They're her kids, and she has the opportunity to say whatever she wants whenever she wants because they live with her. So we just do what we can do on our end, and hopefully actions speak louder than words. But I do hate that SD seems guilty for loving me sometimes (and I know that she does love me!). At the same time, it is what it is, and I'm not going to make myself go crazy over stuff I can't control. I feel blessed to have him, and I know he feels the same, and we do the best we can with the kids when we have them (which is usually every weekend unless something comes up on either end), and that's that.

And I totally don't think you're a "crazy bm!" You have lots of good insight!