Don't ya just love those *revalation moments*!!
Raising kids is a 'job'...you have-um, you raise-um, you send them out into the world...life goes on....
It doesn't mean the world revolves around them.(although THEY think so...especially teenagers)..and it doesn't mean YOUR world, or your life, your interests, your freindships, your hopes, goals, dreams, romance, has to end...you do them a dis-service I think, when you do that.

Have you ever noticed that as soon as people move in together they stop dating!!

When you think back to your first couple dates....what were you thinking? Wow, isn't he funny? What's his family like? YOu search for information and hang on every word he tells you...? You can't learn enough about him...what his interests are? what food he likes? his childhood? You name it. You pay so much attention to him.

That's where the intimacy and closness builds...as you exchange yourselves ..on an emotional or spiritual level...you dig deep into his soul. What's he all about? you want to dig deeper...

Once you get to know them...at least to a point...you start living 'on the surface'...dealing with daily crap. Buying groceries, cleaning the house, or the yard, cooking supper, dealing with kids, going to work.....and exploring your partner stops. Those undistracted just you & him moments...just learning about each other ...are filled up with sooo much other crap.

If you stop feeding the intimacy....it atrophies...over time..

Our counsellor had us do a little thing.....
She had us sit- face to face - and tell each other why we love each other.....You would think this would be easy....because we absolutely do.....well, IT WASN'T!!

It was a very raw and emotional thing to do....

It was kind of a wake-up call that the 'intimacy' of dating that we once shared was being squelched by living on the surface..dealing with kids, housework, etc..and we had gotten away from *touching* or *revisiting * or being *aware* of our deeper selves...

....do you know what I'm trying to say....??

I think it happens to all married or long-term couples....to a degree...unless you are aware of it..and put the time into the relationship...feed it, keep it growing...other wise it will atrophy....anything would when neglected.

And then you and your husband are left alone. It's probably a good idea if you still like each other by the time that day rolls around. I think putting the marriage first is part of putting the kids first. A strong marriage and happy family life can only benefit the kids and if you are happy in your marriage, then you'll be happier in your job as a parent. It's a win-win game plan.

We've been having our ups and downs, mostly downs here lately. We're trying to work through them. Some days are better than others. I have thought about leaving, sometimes seriously. Mostly, though, when I am calm and rational, I know that leaving is the last thing I want to do. I know that under the stress and the anger created by his situation with his kids, this is the man I want to grow old with. So I'm trying to keep that in the back of my mind while we deal with the every day stuff. We both recognize that, aside from all the outside stressors, we are still happy to be together and we just need to remind ourselves and each other of that a little more often.

If you are looking for sparks, though, check this out:
http://www.kamasutra.com/prod_detail.php?prod_id=154&cat_id=23

Nothing terribly kinky, but I got us this stuff for our anniversary called Honey Dust. It's basically a very light (and edible) dust powder that you apply with a small feather duster. You can use it on yourself, like after a bath or whatever, to just feel silky and make yourself smell good. Or you can use it on each other. Very relaxing! And, as I mentioned, it is edible and comes in four flavors. It smells REALLY good! You can even sprinkle it on the sheets.

~ Anne ~

how on earth do you get your spouse to understand and realize this too? I mean, yeah, I can certainly sit him down have a heart to heart, inventory check- the same ole advice we all pass around to each other, and here it sits smack dab in the middle of my face, but do I take it? No. Why? (insert scratching head smilie) Because in my case, it's like quick... head for the hills... and duck and cover. :O

I mean, I have been avoiding parts of this topic, because in reality, I'm not happy right now, and I will openly admit it, but do I dare have the heart to say something to my husband... not in his condition right now. So, what's my choice? I chose to push it on the back burner all for the sake of skids. Skids? Why? Because ultimately, I feel that if I ask for what I want, a little attention ever so often, a little affection from time to time, and acknowledgment for the things I do for him and those kids, all those things that I read post after post drumming in all our heads, that if I do ask then 'I'm' being selfish- not that I feel selfish, but that he'll make me feel selfish on my part, because I can't put the kids first. They are kids, after all.

So, while I read all your posts, and nod my head, and think... yes, that totally makes sense, I feel that way too, oh I see what you mean, yes, yes, laugh and giggle, then it just hits me... and my heart keeps sinking further and further, and I'll admit that I'm getting pretty depressed. Not by any of you guys, but because I just realized that DH and I are heading for a disaster that I don't know how to repair. I mean, I don't want to be that lonely old couple bickering back and forth at each other when the 'kids' are long gone... we do that now! LOL. I totally feel like SS comes first, always, and soon it's going to be SS then SD, then what... me? And I have openly admitted that it should be that way... I've always felt a catch 22, contradiction.

The sad thing is that everyday, I do focus on my husband with little things all the time, making sure that he knows I love him, making sure that he's 'happy', making sure this and that. I never expect for him to respond. I just thought that it was obvious that he feels the same way. I mean, he does take the trash out for me, but not without a snappy remark. He does cook for us, without pitching a fit that there are 'no dishes' to cook with... when all he has to do is look in the dishwasher... dah :p. He does not complain when I want to snuggle up, but he doesn't really snuggle back with me either... He doesn't complain when I need a little money... if it's not too much and for what. But when he's in a good mood, he makes me laugh. When he's in a good mood, he thinks of me. But he rarely gives me his undivided attention, ever since we have had this custody change with SS.

So, am I blind here? Am I wrong? Should I be worried? But yet, I am a step mom, therefore I have to put the kids first... 'they have sooo much stress growing up with divorced bickering unstable parents. God forbid the parents should ever remarry. That would just be so confusing.' Yes that maybe true, and No it isn't. Each situation is different, we all agree.

Sometimes we have to realize who is really suffering here? SS is certainly well adjusted to his 'situation' because that's all he's ever known. In fact, he doesn't even know what it was like having his mother and father together... he was too young when they divorced. And SD...hell, her mom won't let her out of her sight, so she has no idea what it's like to be with her own father alone... let alone what a true father is. Don't get me wrong, the kids do suffer, yes, but there's that saying... what you don't know won't hurt you, right? So, who really is suffering? Am I? I would have never said yes, but maybe? I don't know. I just am doing what I am expected to do. I'm suppose to be happy with this, I accepted this, I chose this. I wanted to be married. So I should be happy, right? I'm only being brutally honest with you and myself. I find that I'm quite perplexed with this. I really feel confused. :?

Ideally I think a balance is better than putting either first. If I had my way, my marital relationship would have been put higher for the sake of the kids. Kids witnessing a loving relationship sets a wonderful example. Making a relationship a priority and having dinners, dates would make kids feel secure. I think showing a loving, positive relationship to skids is particularly important because it shows the skids that their BM or BD is loved and that they should love and appreciate their step not only for what they do for them, but also because what they do for their parent. That's what I wanted and worked for for a long time. Hubby didn't get it.

My daughter comes waaaaay first with me because I can't control anyone but me. I tried for years to make my husband put a good focus on our relationship for the sake of skids and bd, but he never got it. I've tried to work with him on several important issues and have failed time and again. DH will do what he wants regardless of my discussions.

So, because of circumstances beyond my control, my daughter is by far the first in my life. We are closer than I ever imagined because we are often on our own. DH and skids don't do much with my side of the family, so when it's my side, it is just BD and me. DH usually puts skids activities above BD because I'll be there for her. He should trade in my opinion, but he never will. DH drops everything for skids, but does his own thing when they're not with us. Leaving BD begging for his attention.

DH used to always pine for all the things he missed with skids because they were with BM during school weeks. DH leaves for work at the same time I drive BD to school everyday. He's taken her to school 4 times this school year. And that is after I very hurtfully pointed it out to him that he doesn't do a lot of the things with her that he always said he missed doing with them. I was a real bitch about it, but like I said, he does whatever HE wants to do.

See why BD is significantly first in my life? Now, I wouldn't have it any other way. She deserves my undivided attention.

.

I think you have to find a happy medium or balance in any marriage that involves children. Kids are demanding and time consuming. Sometimes you have to make decisions that aren't easy for anyone. Keeping your spouse happy is also just as important. As I said...balancing act.

I agree with the fact that you must find balance. The old saying anything worth having is worth working for is so true here. If you put all of your time into the children, you neglect the spouse and when the kids are gone you end up wondering why you're together.

If you put all of your attention on the spouse and neglect the kids, the kids grow up feeling abandoned and not wanted. The happy medium IS in finding that balance whatever it may be for you.

We spend a lot of time with the kids and their extra-curricular activities. Since they are still middle schoolers we limit their activities so as not to overtax each other. They usually do one extracurricular activity, usually football and cheerleading (their choice). When season is in all family time is spent at the games. When season is not in, we make a point to do a family outing every other weekend (movies, dinner, etc.).

Then one day we realized that we were putting in a lot of time with children activities and not any alone QT with each other. I came up with the idea of doing "Couples Nite Out" and DH was just ecstatic about the idea. We invited several other couples to join us and one night (usually 3rd Saturday of the month) we got together with other couples and did fun, silly stuff. We have done Dinner & Bowling (couple competition), Laser Tag, Cheesecake Factory, Arcades, Mechanical Bull Riding, Pool, Card Games (Tournaments), etc. The idea is that every couple choose a different month and they are in charge of scheduling everything and notifying all members. This was done so that no one person felt overwhelmed by having to carry the load and also, so that everyone had input on the activities. Everyone got sitters and outings usually lasted no more than 4 hrs. We even had a trophy made for when we do competition activities and EVERY member looks forward to and loves the idea of just hanging with other couples and letting your hair down. We are on hiatus at the moment b/c DH is finishing his degree and our time is limited. We are looking to start it back up in the coming months as DH will be finished with his degree by the end of September.

Try this or something similar and the sky is the limit on what you do. We put a limit on cost of activities to not exceed $25 p.p. per outing and when an outing may creep higher the host makes phone calls to see if it is doable. You set the rules and the beauty is if you have plans, you can skip a month and the others still get together and hang out. Thing is everyone had so much fun, that everyone made sure that they were available. It really is a great bonding experience and allowed us adults to kick back and forget our troubles if only for a moment.

My new StepMother's Motto:

When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.

I think making the marriage and the kids a priority are not mutually exclusive concepts. I think many people think that making the marriage a priority in some way means that the children are neglected. Not true. A healthy marriage is the foundation of a happy home. Without it, no children, no matter how well parented, can hope to have the best life experience they can have. In homes where children know they take priority over spousal relationships results in children who learn to take advantage, cause problems on purpose, and pit the parents against one another for their own enjoyment. I know this all too well, as it is the kind of home I had as a kid. My mom was remarried when I was 15 and she and her husband had one of those "we're 2 families under one roof" mentalities. He took care of his kids, and she took care of hers. Sounds like a good formula, right? It was a disaster. We figured out immediately that we could cause trouble between the two of them, and we did. We waged a campaign of war against the two of them until they called it quits 4 years later. Unfortunately, dumbasses that we were, we didn't realize that in the meantime we had made ourselves miserable right along with our parents. If our parents had stood up against us at some point and said, "we're the parents here, and you're not going to divide us" I think maybe my later teen years might not have been so unhappy. I think it is a sadly misguided attitude when second timers say, "the kids come first." That mentality will kill a marriage and that's all it will do. It won't do anything good for the kids. That's my opinion.

So many good comments have been made, I don't know if I can add much here except maybe that notion that I think that when people say the kids should come first, I think they mean that the SAFETY & the WELL BEING of the kids should come first. That children shouldn't sit there and watch their parents eat filet mignon while they eat hot dogs, that sort of thing. That PROTECTING the children from emotional, psychological, physical harm should be of first consideration. That before you spend $250 on the works at the local spa, you should make sure the kids are fed and clothed (etc.) and maybe a life insurance policy be in the financial arrangements.

I think SELFLESSNESS is a characteristic that a loving parent WANTS to bring to the family, but NOT to the detriment of the man/wife relationship.