The real double standard? That those BMs who did NOT put their kids first when they decided to divorce, as THEIR happiness was first, think that WE as stepmoms should put THEIR kid's first...lol Really? No, either spouse/adults come first or kids come first. Period. You as a divorcee do not get to decide that for YOU, adults come first, but for someone else, YOUR kids come first...

I don’t buy the whole …”spouse come first” if you have underage children involved. Weather married to bio father or not. I also think that sometimes the kid comes first and sometime the spouse. But I do know that I had kids knowing FULL WELL, that it was my responsibility to raise them into great adults.

I would love to ask this question to the people that say spouse comes first NO MATTER WHAT….”your kid and spouse are about to fall off a cliff and you can only save one…which would you save?”

My answer would be kid.

I think the expectation changes because you've already blown the "spouse comes first" out of the water by divorcing them.

Honestly, in a nuclear family, the kids are born into it.
In a follow up family, they just get thrown in with whomever mom or dad decides to love.

My primary responsibility is to my minor children. I will not allow my DH to erode that relationship. However, I work to be an equal parent with him, include him in decisions, etc.

I don't understand why it has to be a competition, really. If DH acts like an ass to them, I'm in their court. Vice versa, too. If my DH every told me I wasn't "allowed" to have my kids in my home, he'd be out the door.

I don't think anyone should always come before anyone else. A family should make all members feel valued and included, nuclear or step.

The adult relationship is the primary relationship in the house. It's the way it is, it's the way it should be, IMO. If you have a healthy couple relationship, you will be able to parent more successfully, create a happier and healthier environment for your children. By putting your spouse first-you end up benefitting your children. If you put your spouse first, then ideally he will put you first as well and want to treat your children with love and kindness. Obviously we are talking an ideal situation-this is how it is supposed to work.

It is not a competition about whose first, or whose second. I think that's where a lot of folks get caught up. I dont put my dh first, my daugher 2nd and so on. My relationship is totally different than my relationship with my children. He is my friend, lover, partner and I try and treat him as such at all times. I love my children dearly but they are none of the above things to me. They are my children, I am responsible for them, and I am above them in the power structure. If my kid and my dh fell off a cliff-I would save my child-because I am responsible for them-my dh would also be trying to save MY child because he loves me and he loves them. (not that he would have much luck midair but he'd try!)

I'm like a broken record saying this every time the topic comes up, but the two relationships are so different they don't even belong in a comparison. Where the English language just has the word 'love', other languages have separate, distinct words for different types of love (family love, romantic love, brotherly love, friendship love, etc). So putting the 2 relationships in the same context is not only not comparing apples to apples, it's not even apples to oranges. It's like apples to...I dunno...pick some random non-fruit object...

I think it depends and is a lot more complicated than just "spouse should always come first".... for instance, there are times that I would put our BS2.5 "first" an example would be let's say DH wanted us to go to a party, I also want to go, but can't find a sitter, so I encourage DH to go and I stay home with BS2.5. No biggie for either of us, heck that's what hubby/wife/nuclear family relationship is all about right?

I think it dramatically changes when the skid is the one who is screwing up your plans, life, etc. Like if the roles were reversed and DH couldn't go to said party because of no sitter for a skid? I would be pissed... skid before me right?

I think many people ask this question or have this stance because they are figuring out who gets to go on the highest pedestal.

In my opinion, they (spouse/kids) are on two separate pedestals. Like HMO said, the relationships are DIFFERENT, therefore you can't lump them (although some people do).

I'm not sure the word "priority" is the most appropriate to use in this situation, because that gives the impression that one person is rated above the other. I guess I'd rather use the term "obligations" -- obligations between the two adults in the house are different than the obligations between adult and child even though the same words can be used to describe said obligations (love, honor, cherish, support, defend to name a few).

What if you are going through a difficult week at work and obviously need his support for a project that failed and you just need him there for emotional support.But he gets up on Saturday to spend his fun time at the movies with skid and you are left alone.Should he take your feelings into consideration and be there for you or go to see the release of the newest whatever movie with skid?

I don't think anyone should come first. It shouldn't be a competition between the adults and the children.

What happened in my own relationship with DH is things were fine before we shared a home. Once we shared a home, then it all went to hell in a hand-basket because in HIS home (and to be honest in Uberskank's home), his kid had adult spousal status. She saw me as competition, and I saw her as a kid who was too big for her britches.

DH didn't want to make waves, so he ignored her horrible behavior towards me, assuming it would stop or go away. Instead, he only made things worse by not reacting or dealing with her disrespect, he only cemented her belief that she was also an adult in the home and could treat me any way she pleased.

What it comes down to is the adults in the home should be a unit, side by side partnership that deals with the household issues and kids as one. It's not a matter of anyone coming first, but the couple is stronger if they are a unit, rather than divided. When the partnership breaks down, then the relationship with the kids (and skids) also breaks down. I feel this is when you see kids achieve adult spousal status. Because the adult partnership broke down, so naturally the adults seek another in the home in which to forge a partnership.

Had DH realized this from the first, I seriously doubt we would have faced all of the issues we had in the first 2.5 years of our marriage. I ended up losing a lot of respect for DH that he has not earned back. It was bad enough that his kid treated me horribly. But DH treated me worse because he refused to rock the boat with his mini-wife and allowed her to get away with her behavior.

So in answer to your question, it's not a matter of who comes first. But what comes first and what comes first should be a respectful partnership with your SO (or DH or DW). I believe the adults make it worse for the kids and skids if they don't have a balanced and respectful partnership/relationship. When it's unbalanced, it confuses all of the kids and then you have chaos. You're only as strong as your weakest link. In my case, our relationship was the weakest link and very nearly didn't survive.

I truly wish I had found this site before I married DH, because I would have gleaned a lot of valuable information before marriage. Like counseling and blended families and realistic expectations. I love DH but I regret marrying him when I did. I wish we had waited to get married and share a home until after his kid had graduated from HS.

I think the statement should be not that your spouse comes first but that your relationship with the spouse comes first. The needs of your child may outweigh the needs of your spouse at times, but in all things your relationship has to come first, nuclear or otherwise. Kids are disrespectful to the spouse, that needs to be corrected immediately. Spouse feels overwhelmed because he/she is carrying the heavier load, step up and take your place next to them. I don't believe in placing your spouse above all others, but your relationship and its health has to come before the children. If you have a healthy relationship, a happy relationship, a committed relationship and an equal relationship, it will translate to everything else being easier. If your child being disrespectful of your spouse may hurt your relationshp with the child, improve it, but always be mindful of the relationship with your spouse as the primary because that is how you teach your child to pattern their own relationships down the road. If your relationshp is always first, you are able to work together to meet the needs and concerns of the children. Just my opinion of course.

The WANTS for the adults come first, the NEEDS for the kids come first. Mind you, I mean NEEDS, NOT wants. Sadly, it seems many think that the WANTS of the KIDS are the same as the NEEDS of the kids. Kids cannot defend themselves, provide for themselves, ie. until they are 18. After that, sorry, they are no longer kids. Before that, they want to see a movie, dad wants to go to dinner, too bad kiddo...dad gets to choose. Kid is sick, dad wants to go on vacation, too bad dad, NEEDS come first.

Unfortunately, the NEEDS of the kids, ie. for their parents to be together and their happiness, it seems is irrelevant when BMs decide to divorce...their mental well-being is irrelevant, only the BMs...then, they want everyone to put the mental well-being of the kid first...sure...take a hike.

I think it has to do parents parenting their children and making sure they know that they are the kid and ot the adult. If parents instill that balance in their lives on a daily basis there wont be any issues. I grew up that way yes our needs were met and some of our wants but my parents made it clear we were the kids and not n adult. It has nothing to do who should be first or second but that kids are kids and adults are adults.

**My therapist said most of the same things that is being said on this blog.

There are so many variables but in any marriage the marital relationship needs to be a priority because it is the basis for raising and nurturing "healthy" children. No matter who the children originally belonged to.

But it is still 2 totally different relationships and one SHOULD not have to compete with the other!

**Not that a therapist knows it all**

Your child is your First Responsibility.

Your spouse is your First Priority.

There IS a happy medium in all relationships, however.

This is always a hard spot to be in. Basically my ideals about this are, there should never be a time I have to choose between SO and my kids because I expect and demand that they treat each other with mutual respect. You know, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. SO should always treat my kids the way I myself would treat them and my kids should treat SO with courtesy and respect as I myself do.
BUT....in real life there have been things to be worked through. So we had to come up with rules. All kids in house are expected to treat adults in house with the same courtesy and respect as they would any adult authority figure (i.e. teacher) including obeying instructions unless to do so would put their safety at risk. If an adult asks them to do something they don't like, do it anyway unless it is unsafe, then let parent know so if necessary issue can be addressed. We generally back each other up or if needed work out new rules. If one of the kids does not listen to an adult who is not their bio parent, the adult will not to push it, leave it alone and kid will have hell to pay when bio parent gets home, unless there was a legitimate safety concern.
But at the end of the day, if push really came to shove, my kids are part of me and if a choice had to be made, so sorry to see you go, S.O.

Ultimately I think it depends on who is right and who is wrong. What their motivation is, etc. in my determination of who "comes first."

If my kid was a complete jackass who had no regard for my spouse and treated them like crap and made their lives hell, I'd throw them out myself without having to have been asked by my spouse. Or I'd isolate them somehow if we all lived together. But I will never, ever stand for a child treating an adult poorly. The same goes for my spouse--if he treated the child badly then he'd be out.

This is, of course, after all discipline, communication, and other options have been pursued and failed. I will not, due to some misguided sense of familial love, allow an one person to harm another under my house and watch, emotionally or physically. That's all there is to it.