Any SMs out there whose bond has trumped they're "biological bond" with BM??
My SS's are still very young and met me very young. We met when they were just under 1 and 2 years old. I am a BM as well, so I try to put myself in her position, but it's really hard to do so when I know she doesn't even try to do the same. I'm not going to go into my whole story as of now because just like everyone else - it's just too long for this thread. But please feel free to post your stories, I'd love to hear your experiences.
They are now 3 and 4 and my BS (whose father is not and never was involved) is 2. We have 50/50 custody. They call me mom and have since the beginning. And they call my BS their brother. BM is crazy (whose isn't?). We're going through a huge deal right now and again I'm not going to go into much detail but looong story short she married a heroin addict after breaking up with him and having a restraining order against him. They just had a baby and DCF got involved. I am livid and I'm trying to find a balance of what is right for the kids. She knowingly brought an addict back into their lives and obviously has poor judgement. So we want to everything we can to get full custody so she can be a weekend Mom. On the other hand, going through courts is both expensive and usually nothing comes out of it. Also, we don't want the kids to resent us when they're older for taking their mother out of their life.
Anyway- it's obvious to everyone in the kids lives that DH and I are better for the kids. We are the only stable environment and we put them first always. The kids tell me they love me all the time and still call me mom after being told not to but her and her side of the family.
So I guess my question is: If we choose let things ride they're course and she proves to the over time how much of a shitty mother she really is, do you think they will "put me first"? Or is there really this undeniable biological bond that can't be broken no matter what?
I will give you a qualified
I will give you a qualified yes. The qualification is that I am not a Smom. I am a Sdad.
My first opinion is that you do not put one microsecond of worry about your Skids resenting you about anything. If you are doing what you believe to be in their best interests whether they ever resent you or not does not matter. So, you and DH need to do what is in their best interests and contrary to what many of the pseudo science "professionals" spout it is never in the best interest of a child to be exposed to a toxic adult regardless of that adults biological relationship to the child. IMHO
When my bride accepted my proposal that immediately made me an equity parent to my SS with status that immediately trumped the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan. Not merely because we married but because I chose to be his dad with all of the responsibilities associated with that role. Because he was young when I entered the picture I was the first person he ever called "Dad(dy)". That is what I have always been to him. His dad. I am his dad. The other guy is just the biodad or as I enjoy calling him in my online Sparent community life ... the Sperm Idiot. You are mom, they know it and they give you that title. "Mom" or "Dad" has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with taking the actions of a Mom or Dad. Kids are smart. They get this unequivocal fact that far too often adults are incapable of comprehending. For some reason people grant some magical status to toxic idiots who happen to be allowed to breed before it is clear that they should be purged from the gene pool rather than allowed to pollute it.
Purge the idiot BM as much as possible from influencing your Skids and family and keep her on the ropes for the duration until your Skids have the opportunity to have a good childhood and the chance to grow to become viable self supporting adults of character and standing in their communities. This is something that the BM you describe will in all likelihood never be able to facilitate for her children. You can. Minimize BM's toxic influence on your Skids. The Custody/Visitation/Support order is your best tool for doing this so you and DH need to know it inside out and backwards. You also need to become fully knowledgable of your states related regulations and any local/County supplemental rules in the jurisdiction where your CO is located governing Custody/Visitation/Support. This additional knowledge gave us significantly more tools to keep the Sperm Clan boxed in than just what was in our CO. Sperm Grandhag hated that we had she and her idiot son by the short and curlies and could do what we wanted nearly at will.
That is what we chose to do regarding control and management of the Sperm Clan's influence and time with my SS. As is the case with your skids he was young when his mom and I met and married. We met when he was 15mos old and started dating. We married the week before SS-23 turned 2yo. We kept the Sperm Clan at arms length and used the CO to effectively minimize their toxic influence on the SKid. He did have regular visitation though it was long distance and often there were several visitations in a row they chose to not take because they could not afford their half of the airfare. BONUS!!!
My son is now 23. A few months before his most recent birthday he asked for me to adopt him. He told his mom and I that he is a member of the Rags clan, always has been, and wanted the family name. I told him that he could file a change of name to make that happen since he was an adult. He made it clear that he wanted a full meal deal adoption complete with a new birth certificate with me as his father. So, we made that happen within 4 days of engaging our attorney on the action.
So yes, the bond that my son and I have and have had nearly his entire life strongly trumps his bond with the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan. Keep your focus on what is in the best interests of your children (all of them) and it can happen for you and your Skids too.
Good luck.
Be careful with this.
Be careful with this. Although my SKIDS certainly respect me more than BM, I have no illusions about where my spot is, nor do I care. Eventually, if we do our jobs right, they will grow up and be with their wives, and move on from both of us moms. So why does it even matter?
There are plenty of stories on this forum about women who's SKIDS treated them like "mom" while they needed them, and then felt the urge to go back and get to know BM, only to dump the OP.
I wouldn't focus on this, it's ego based. Just focus on helping to raise these guys so that they launch well and create families of their own. The rest is silly.
Great advice!
Great advice!