You don't know how relieved I felt to read your comments about not growing to love your SS. I look at my SS and I think - I kind of like him - but no, I do not love him. He's not mine. He is not a person I molded. Like you, when SS10 is here - I feel like he's invaded my space - always hovering, asking too many questions, being annoying. And like your SS - my SS is always trying to win my approval. I try to say at least one positive nice thing to him per day (I keep the negative crap to myself.) I guess at a minimum we know it's "normal" to feel this way.

"For all my lack of love and ambivalence toward my SS, he still seems to genuinely like me and want my affection. I try, but I think he deserves better than me."

There are times when SD is doing little innocent things that really bug the piss out of me... nothing bad, but just little things. Inside I'm thinking "I swear...if you say that one more time I'm going to freak out".... Then out of no where... like she read my mind, she walks up, hugs me and tells me she loves me. Almost like she knew that I was the one who needed a time out.

My skids love me, but sometimes I think if they REALLY knew how I felt about them at times they may not love/like me as much. I don't hate them, but I also don't feel the need to see them every weekend. I don't think they deserve better, I think that I deserve to have more support from my DH.

"I aint no Carol Brady"

I never wanted to have children and frankly never even considered marriage, I'm one of those women that was very carrer oriented and relationships came second, until I fell for my DH and at the time I thought "how great he already has kids, so he won't want or expect any from me, and I get to play mom" I thought I could have my cake and eat it too; And I tried my hardest to treat his kids as my own and to love them. I didn't know that I would come to resent those kids being here all the freaking time, and resent the fact that I have to share the man I love with them for the rest of my life.

I get along great with my SS6 he is an easy going kid and he was only 8 months when his BM left so that makes it easy on me; however I do not specially like my SD she is 8 and she is an affection and attention black hole, she was 3 when her BM left her and remembers the whole thing. I feel like a total witch sometimes but the problem is if I give her any attention at all she sticks to me like a leech sucking all my energy force. I have tried giving her more attention in a consistant bases, until I finally realized that what she is wanting from me is what she can't have from her BM and that is a game I can't afford to play, because her BM is still in her life (even if it's not in a consistant basis)I know I will be the only loser. So I have to keep her at bay and let her have the best relationship with her BM that she can have, and I remind myself that I didn't cause her those emotional problems, it's not my fault and I shouldn't be expected to fix her.

Any ways, I'm rambling on, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel, I don't want any kids either I'm only 30 but I have never wanted any children and I don't believe I'll change my mind (to my mom's despair, lol) and yes sometimes I think there is something wrong with me, but why does society expect that just because she has the organs and the capabilities, a woman must automatically want and must have and desire children? We women are more than ovaries and boobs, we also have a brain and the free will to choose what we want for our lives. This is one of the reasons I never thought I'd get married because I didn't think a man existed that has an ego that could put up with my independent thinking, thankfully my DH is that man and unfortunately he has children; the way I see it every one brings baggage to a new realtionship, I brought plenty of my own baggae into my marriage, and to me his kids are part of his baggage, this makes me feel a little better.

In the end we live by one rule in our household, we are honest with each other, and our selves(to the best of our ability). The kids know I'm not their mom and that they don't have to like me or love me, but they have to respect me and I do the same for them; I may not like them or even love them but I treat them with the respect any human being deserves, to the best of my avility. This approach has not taken away all the feelings we all go through or the effect the arguments and desagreememts about the kids have had on our marriage, but it does make life a bit more torelable.

Sorry this is so long! This is my first posting on this site and I'm so glad I have found this community, good luck to all of you.

We were made to naturally love our birth children unconditionally, but let me tell you, step children do NOT fall in that category. Now this is what we know inside our heart, but can we "show and tell" this to DH or Skids?!!! NO WAY!!!!

I accept the fact that I must be courteous and even act interested in their lives, but I had to let the guilt go (that I DID NOT LOVE THEM) because it was just eating me up inside.

Don't worry about thinking you made a mistake. Just take this as another lesson life is giving you, that you didn't have things all figured out after all. But your future with DH can still be wonderful, in spite of step kids.

REGRETS ARE JUST A HUGE BLACK HOLE WASTE OF YOUR TIME AND EMOTIONS AND WILL SUCK ALL THE HAPPINESS OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!! Take what you have been given and make the very best you can out of it, and something you will be proud of at the end of your days. Consider this an opportunity to grow, and improve others' lives.

Just remember, you're walking a fine line, but we'll be here to listen when you fall off of it!

Yesterday was the first day that I logged on to this site. What a source of great support. Thank you all. A common thread throughout seems to be that at least young step children want our attention and affection. That somehow makes it feel worse when I want to withhold it. My bio children didn't miss the early affection so by the time they were my step daugther's age they didn't crave it. Someone wrote thank goodness they don't know what we are really feeling all of the time. How true. Sometimes, I really try to take an objective look at things and realize that inspite of what I feel sometimes I have been a positive influence in this little girl's life. When I met her dad they were living in a dirty little apartment, eating mac and cheese or pizza most days. I moved in with them, cleaned the place up and we saved enough money, mostly because of my salarly, to move to a brand new townhouse. My step daughter has a pretty new room. She to a better school. I took her to the dentist for the first time. She needed braces. We got them. We eat dinner together every night. I've shown here how to shave her legs, was with her when we bought her first bra, dealt with her first period. This is funny...early on when she was younger she had a problem with lying. After many chances, she lied to me about something she didn't even have to lie about. So, I took her dinner to her room where she ate it and she spent all night in her room. The next day we talked about it and I said it was over, but that she must never lie to me. Now, she tells me everything! Once she came to see me after she had gone to be because she was worred about something. She said, "How come you can make everything better?" Precious. I just wish I felt like I was doing a better job. I always feel that she wants and needs more that I can't give or am unwilling to give. I wish I liked the job I was doing more.

For me it wasn't hard to bond with SD when she was young, because she wanted to do everything that I did. I think having a male stepchild may be harder, especially if you are not kid-oriented (me neither!)?
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

I too have felt guilty for not totally falling inlove with my SS.

I was feeling bad because all I think about is my marriage and time with my DH and him and I starting a family together.

I also felt really bad b/c I don't miss my step-son when he is not with us, actually I love it! and when he is with us i count down the days until he leaves.

I have come to grips that I will never have a deep love for him and most likley when I have kids they will be the single most important thing to me next to my hubby.

So now I just try to be supportive, allow them time to spend with eachother on thier weekends; however hubby makes this hard b/c he thinks this should be like some kind of family time where I see it as my free time away from them and thier time to spend together.

I must admit I am a little nerves about how things will be once we have kids b/c I know i will be inlove with that child and ti will show.