I am SO mean, and I hate myself for it
I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a general loathing for my SD11, but I don't know why. Most of the time I manage to keep a lid on it, but this morning I said some things I will come to regret.
Some Chinse food juice inadvertently spilled on some important and irreplaceable documents I had sitting out to take for copying. SD thought this was funny. All the pent up loathing I felt just came oozing out. I told him I would wait until something important of his was damaged, then laugh. That wasn't satisfyingly mean enough for me, so then I told him I preferred it when he stayed with his auntie because I didn't like having him around. "Do you think that's funny?" I asked. "No," he replied, glumly. So, I capped that off with "well I think it's pretty f***in' funny." The poor boy just wilted under the onslaught of mean. I made him feel terrible. Then I didn't even feel bad for saying it.
My thinly veiled loathing for the child is wrecking my relationship with DH. I don't know what to do. I harbor a mean monster inside that gets a sick satisfaction out of saying the most hurtful thing possible.
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you overcome a lifelong habit?
You can't help the way you
You can't help the way you feel, its your instinct. I have problems with my SD and if she was to find the same situation funny I would feel the same! .... Not sure about the swearing though! I feel that the more I keep from my DH about my feelings or bad feelings I have for SD, the bigger hole I am digging for myself. My loathing for whattever reason feels like a dirty secret. I'm not sure what the answer is, but it won't go away if you don't confront it. Guess we are in the same boat lol .... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
Best wishes and luck
oh my goodness sweetie...I
oh my goodness sweetie...I have to say I agree you were really mean by saying that second part but like you,I've been there and said some horrible things just meant to hurt the target of my anger. He was also wrong by laughing...maybe ask him why it was funny? I get in the moods where I can't even stand to look at certain people and the moods are so evil that if they mess up or get into trouble I have a personal laugh at their expense. I think sometimes these things just creep into our hearts and we have to work towards making something positive from it...work on growing and controlling it. Maybe figure out the trigger for it and gain power over it.
I know this isn't a popular opinion but perhaps seeing the child as a stranger worthy of kindness could help...I'm not saying you have to love him or even like him but recognize that hating him will take a toll on your love for your husband eventually. I'm really proud of you for admitting such tough truths about yourself and reaching out for help, as with any type of recovery these are the beginning steps to improvement and self education.
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*
Is there something physical
Is there something physical going on with your body that might be causing this loss of control? When was the last time you had a full physical exam?
Do that before assuming you need counseling and if everything is OK I'd give counseling a try.
Whoa. Yeah, that wasn't a
Whoa. Yeah, that wasn't a good thing to do.
So, yeah. There are your feelings, and then there are what you choose to do with those feelings.
If you're not able to control outbursts like that one, I think you need to try to get some help. I really suggest that you find a counselor ASAP to talk through these issues with, so you can find a way to remedy this situation.
Your loathing of this kid seems a little over the top, and like Katrinkie said above, it's likely that you'll see "in retrospect the anger was coming from somewhere else". You're angry with the kid because he irritates you, but there must be something larger. Perhaps you're really angry at how powerless you feel in your situation, but for some reason those feelings come out as dislike of the kid?
Anyway, I hope you don't take this response as me condemning you. We're all human, and we all have reactions to things that we regret later. But I do think you need to get some help -- both for your sake and for the kid's.
UCSM (BB)
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
Thanks for all your
Thanks for all your comments. I appreciate the doses of reality.
Yeah, I do need to figure out the source of the loathing and anger, so I made an appt with a therapist through my work Employee Assistance Program.
Also scheduling a physical just in case. My worst cases of The Means seem to come after I've eaten fast food and sweets for a few days running. Trying to pin it on food (or something physical) sure seems like a cop out. It's easier to hate myself for being a bad person. I want to improve though, so I'll try whatever works.
honey you're not a bad
honey you're not a bad person...you're just a little lost right now. Keep posting and don't hold back ok? The best way to get good,solid advice is to be as open as you can. I think you're going to be just fine...it'll just take some work just like everything else we do in life.
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*
Check to see if you are
Check to see if you are diabetic. My cousin is and he was like mr. jeckle and hide until he got it controlled.
And if health is all good then i agree with others...there maybe something relaly bothering you bigger inside that surfaces when triggered. I know kids can be annoying...evne our own but hurtful things...mmm..ouch...that was mean.....
Ouch..... That was a little
Ouch..... That was a little mean. Geez!
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
Do you always feel like that
Do you always feel like that towards him? Would you like him if he was your nephew or a friend's child? Do you like children? Has he ever done anything bad to you? Do you hate his mom?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Pixeldust- I can completely
Pixeldust-
I can completely relate. The other night I was sitting through another dinner of my SS14 grumbling about the food I made and going on and on about how his BM doesn't make him eat anything he doesn't like (He doesn't like anything and his BM will actually get up during dinner and make him something different if he doesn't like what was prepared!) I finally had enough snatched his plate, and told him "I'm sorry you didn't like dinner princess, next time you can have cereal, I'm done!" and stormed out. Not the most appropriate response considering I am the adult but I didn't feel guilty about it at all. I did however feel bad when a couple of weeks ago SS was whining about how he wanted to spend the night at his BM's (BM had plans) and carrying on like we were preventing it. I told him that no one wanted him to spend the night at his mothers more than I did but his mother had plans so shut up about it. I'm not sure how to deal with it, I find myself getting angry when he walks in the room. I can't let go of the horrible things he says and does, so even when he isn't being nasty, I am on edge and not very kind to him which I am sure just perpetuates the cycle. Any ideas?
This post made me sick to my
This post made me sick to my stomache. You need to seek therapy, or end the marriage with DH b/c your SS at 11 years old, no matter what he does or says does not deserve to be treated in that manner. Regardless of blood relation you CHOSE to become a role model and caregiver in this child's life, he didnt choose YOU.
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This is a pretty old thread,
This is a pretty old thread, but I've come a long way in these past few months and wanted to post an update.
I realized that I needed help. Much of the advice here was great, and I took it to heart. The first thing I did was get a physical, and a blood panel. Discovered I was deficient in vitamins D, B and iron. Then I signed up for counseling.
Between the counseling and regularly taking dietary supplements, AND stopping drinking, I am a drastically improved person, and I have a dramatically improved relationship with my stepson. There are still times when he is uncertain how to approach me, for fear he will bear the brunt of a bad mood, but those times are getting rarer as I prove that I am a more consistent, patient parent.
I did figure out that I was harboring a lot of anger and resentment toward the auntie. She had been essentially playing the role of a custodial parent. Before I became the stepmom, she had lived close to DH and had SS11 a LOT. She still wanted just as much time and access, but we bought an awesome house across town. She was constantly asking for time, and SS ended up spending his summers there and many weekends. She, and DH for not establishing boundaries, really deprived SS & me of the opportunity to bond as a family. Auntie has a daughter of her own, and is a horrible parent with no rules or requirements, so SS would return from her just awful, and I ended up being the sole authority figure in his life, the sole person providing discipline. I hated it. It was a constant strain and the pressure from auntie was relentless. Being relieved of that pressure was like being freed from a tractor beam or something.
Anyway, there you have it. Out of the ashes, some good can arise.
I completely understand
I completely understand because I feel the same about my stepson. He's not a bad kid but I just hate when he is around. I feel that his visits intrude on our time as a couple. I have tried to feel something for him but, I still don't. I have no real interest in what he does and I am always hoping something will prevent him from coming on his scheduled weekends. I think my issues with my husband and his ways are taking a toll on my attitude and behavior towards his son. I really do hate it but I can't seem to get past it. I'm glad that counseling and a medical check up helped you but we have done counseling and I am going to see a doctor on Thursday. Maybe the doctor will find something that is causing my mood swings and anger.