Dealing With Resentment
This never gets any easier. Many of you know my story, so I won’t go into it here. Let’s just say that disengagement is so very hard, from multiple aspects. There are mine fields you need to navigate, which you will inevitably screw up and have something blowup in your face.
Then there’s always the part of how your SO, whether your DW, DH, or just SO cannot, or will not stand up to their spoiled, self-centered, immature kids. And if they cannot put your marriage as a priority? All this makes this impossible to deal with.
And as if disengagement wasn’t difficult enough, when it’s so against everything you believe in and how you were raised... When you start dealing with resentment from your spouse, how do you soldier on?
I’m at the point where I cannot even have a discussion with my DW. I am told that talking to her is not a discussion. How I should just be OK with things because it’s not black and white. How she is stuck in the middle.
i did not create the situation. I did not almost raise these kids. Not my circus. Not my monkey. I am in no way taking any responsibility in parenting these spoiled adult skids. If our marriage is sacrificed to prove her love for these immature children, then so be it. I have been in a marriage where the marriage was not the priority. Never again.
How do you work past the resentment? How do you work past your spouse placing all the crap the skids have done (conditions and ultimatums) on you? How do you get to the point of even being able to talk to your spouse without them becoming defensive? How do you go on at all?
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If its gotten to the point
If its gotten to the point where you can't communicate and have a conversation with her, its pretty much over. You have offered to go to counseling, she said no. You have tried to come to a resolution and she responds by "I'm stuck in the middle". She's not as invested as you are. Her actions say it all.
I know
Separation is forthcoming. I cannot and will not go on like this.
You stop waiting for her to
You stop waiting for her to care and you start taking care of YOU. Whatever you have sacrificed for her? Take it back! Live your life to the fullest and stop doing for people who give nothing in return.
No More Waiting
I am not waiting for her to care. She does care, but not in a healthy way, or in a way that is healthy for me. I have taken my life back and am in the process of creating a separate life from her family, and in turn, from her. She has sacrificed nothing because she has everything she had before this. What she is sacrificing is our marriage to prove her love for her kids. I am not OK with that at all.
When I ask her what she has sacrificed she says she “has to split holidays”, that’s BS because I told her the only one that matters to me is Christmas. Her kids are forcing that anyway, not me. Also, she has to “keep all her photos of her family put away”. Again, BS. I told her months ago to put the pictures up, just not in the bedroom. They have already put themselves in our marriage (GET THE F#CK OUT!), I don’t want them in our bedroom!
I have regained my sanity due in a large part to the support and understanding I get here. I told her I would like to go to couples counseling to help us both deal with the pain and the disengagement. She said she would go, but it’s not her thing. I told her she can pick the counselor and date/time. I will go and listen more than talk. It’s not about me. It’s about us, but her inability to even setup an appointment tells me she is not committed to trying to salvage what little there is left.
I am taking care of me and moving on with my life, without her by my side at any and all events. Going to start getting use to being alone and living for me because I am alone.
Good for you! I would make an
Good for you! I would make an appointment myself and go whether she joined me or not. You said your previous marraige was also one sided and you did not feel like a priority. A therapist can help you recognize why you chose these selfish women and help you see the red flags. You deserve someone who priorizes you as much as you do them. ❤
I’m Already There
I have started that discussion and have stopped just short of telling her to pack her sh!t and get out. I don’t want to be reactive when things are so raw. But I agree with everything you said here. I will not stay in a marriage like this and she knows I am not happy. I think she is waiting for me to have that “Come to Jesus” talk so she can justify to everyone that her kids were right all along. It would ease her conscious to think I am the one that delivered an ultimatum like that and have THAT become the reason our marriage did not work out
I think the counseling should provide that “Come to Jesus” moment for her. You are right when you say she doesn’t want to go because deep down she knows all of this is BS. Having a professional counselor tell her that takes the blame off me.