I think the deciding factor on marrying my DH (I had to marry him to be with him to legally stay here) was his unprompted declaration that the marriage comes first. HE stated he knew eventually the kids would move on and out and in the end he wanted someone to share HIS life with and not the life of him and his kids.

Don't get me wrong, I am involved in his son's lives (although they are adults now) and he is involved in my kids lives. But when the sun goes down there is just him and me.

In your position I would not move in right now. Certainly still date and spend time together. But moving in will trap you into being the quasi-mum which in essence is the go-fer for his daughter and everything planned from dinners out to vacations to medical emergencies will revolve around his daughter.

DH and I have been on vacations in the past without our children. We have been on vacations with the kids. Of course when we holidayed with the kids our entertainment was geared towards the kids but we didn't involve them with the planning. And of course travelling overseas meant arranging for time the kids wouldn't be with us.

I would consider his approach to be a warning of things to come. IF his every thought is how this will affect his daughter then I would certainly hold off on moving in until you are 99% sure he has had a change in attitude. Otherwise you will be the quasi-mum and partially responsible for her state of mind at any time. If you look cross eyed at her or blink too much and her feelings are hurt you may well find yourself being forced to apologise to her.

It will get worse when you move in. If he isn't willing to put you first I'd move on.

You ask so many questions that I wish I had articulated when DH and I moved in together.

NOw- he actually stands up for himself and me more than I give him credit sometimes, but there are backslides constantly.

ON paper, our marriage comes first... In actuality, SD13 has a lot of power. It has taken 4yrs to make him understand that his relationship with her and my relationship with her are different. (our situation may be very different because BM hates me ..)

He really saw a "Brady Bunch" family when we got together, and it was GREAT in the beginning! Then we got married and BM lost her mind.

I digress.. lol...

I KNEW that he valued me and what I bring to the table before we got married.
You have to pick your battles.
My SD is 13, and he doesn't sometimes understand what 13 is capable of. You will have to guide him in terms of age appropriate behaviors and consequences.
I have to remind him of what I'm willing to overlook and what I won't.
HE must set the rules and boundaries- come up with them together, but he has to present them and you uphold them.
DH had a revelation the other day while during a fight, he had this 'aha' moment. I had to make him see it, but he understood that he was elevating a 13yr old to adult status and it had to stop because I was FURIOUS.

This is where I know I may have to fight it out, but he gets it. I'm willing to be somewhat flexible because of horrid conditions for SD, but only so far.

Our relationship comes first because I demanded it. Early when we were dating, BM was quite inappropriate - you know the type - she didn't want him but he wasn't allowed to be happy or have a life. I made it clear, when DH was "in the middle" because BM wanted him to do something, that would walk. I was not in the market to be a sister wife - either I came first or I walked. I understood he had responsibilities for his child (SD was 3) but I did not.

I remember clearly telling him, "you can make me happy or BM happy but I doubt you can make us both happy at the same time with just about any decision you make - we are polar opposites. & quite frankly if you could keep BM happy and make things work you would not be with me." Then I left him to think about it. Before I made it home, he had made the decision to be with me. I had three messages on my machine when I walked in the door.

You need to have a serious conversation about boundaries, roles and expectations before you even consider going further in this relationship. Your DH needs to be willing to put your relationship first, stick to boundaries & swat BM with the CO repeatedly or you will always feel second rate.

The idea that a relationship comes before a child is rediculous... I have never asked him to choose me over his children and never will. The fact is he cannot reschedule a time that his daughter needs to be picked up he can reschedule a counseling session. You have started a relationship with someone who will always put someone else first. I would suggest doing some serious soul searching and come to a conclusion about whether you can handle it. The good news is it gets better... for me it did at least. I stopped getting upset about his apparent lack to balance children and me. This is because his children have become just as important to me. It is a struggle and it is frustrating at first.

With that said there was several times where children where being coddled/running the house. My personal respect as a person was being threatened. The standpoint I would suggest taking with that is that children need to learn to respect those around them. In essence they are everything in their parents eyes and it is hard not to coddle them. That is hard part about being a parent. However, this man needs to respect that this is a family and EVERYONE deserves equal respect including you. If you are willing to make that sacrifice no one comes first and everyone is treated equally.

Its really tough and I wish you the best but it sounds like you are on the right track.

1. What other reasons would you all give for your marriages needing to come first?

> I feel like if it is the original marriage of BF and BM the couple is naturally a priority but the childrens needs (not wants) are are met. The couple bind together to make it a home, a safe haven for the children and to provide for the children. If the parents do not put their relationship as a priority then the marriage will eventually fall apart, if not before the children leave home it will after. Did he want our marriage to work or to fail? It was up to him. I was willing to work on it was he?

I told my DH that if he was not willing to make our marriage a priority then there is no point of us getting married because marriage is hard enough as it is. I told my DH that I am the ADULT and should be treated as such. SS is a child and needs to grow and earn the adult status in HIS home not ours.

We agreed that SS needs a reasonable education, clothes, shelter, food and all necessary medical supplies. He needs to know he is loved, but that does not mean he gets everything he wants or that we can be held accountable for his complete happiness. He should not be ignored but he should not be the center of attention either.

If SS thinks the world revolves around him he will not be able to function in school, at work or in relationships. He needs to learn to be considerate of others.

In order for him to become a responsible adult he needs to learn responsibility and consequences.

I tried to talk this all out BEFORE we married. But to be honest, there was some things we still had to work out after the marriage because I didn't know how bad it was until after the marriage (long distance relationship).

2. How did you and your partner come to see your relationship in that way? Did you always agree on that? Did your DH/DW need to be convinced of it? Was it a struggle? How did you convince them?

> As I stated above it was a struggle at times. I pretty much just told him that he was raising a spoiled, selfish, entitled kid who thought the whole world should revolve around him. I let him know you are NOT doing that child a favor by spoiling him so much. He will grow up to expect it from everyone and that is NOT how the real world works. Your responsibility as a parent is to prepare a child for the real world not for a fairy tale land where everything is all about them.

I also gave him plenty of articles on how a child should be raised and information on making the marriage a priority.

IMO, your partner is not displaying signs that he wants the relationship to work. There needs to be discussions about how important the relationship is to both of you.

He is willing to make sacrifices for his daughter. She obviously means alot to him. Their relationship is important to him.

Don't you think that you deserve the same consideration if not more as an equal to him and his life partner?

That child will grow up and become a teenager. She will want to hang with her BFF's and she'll probably get married and have her own family. What then? Will daddy cater to her the rest of his life? Or will he grow up himself and show her a normal healthy relationship as an example.

In my personal experience as well as what I have seen in other people’s relationships, it seems that it is pretty normal for marriages to be put first before kids come into the picture. In intact families, when kids are born, it seems like they just fall into place. In stepfamilies, however, that is not the case. Some people have the crazy idea that whoever was around first should be put first. What a load of crap that is. That would mean that because I had a dog before I got together with my husband, that my dog comes first lol.

My husband was like yours- very adamant that his kid comes first- he even stated to me that she is a kid (5 now) and she needs him more than I do. We had sooooo many fights about the placement of myself and of skid in his life. Before we got together, he was alone and “she was all he had” (him and BM were never married and SD was not planned). He had a verrrrrrry tough time adjusting to the addition of another woman in his life. He still to this day probably would not say that I come first.

That being said, he has gotten a lot better. He used to have major issues with ignoring me whenever skid was around and making her the little princess of the house. He regresses sometimes and I have to put him back in his place, but for the most part things are better. I don’t think things will ever be the way they would be if he didn’t have a kid with another woman. If we were married and then had our own kid, things would be different but that is not the case.

I did get him to go to counseling (although he only went to 2 sessions) and I think it was helpful to hear a professional reinstate what I had been telling him- that the marriage needs to be put first if it is going to survive. So I definitely would not give up on the counseling- he needs to go and hear that from a neutral party. I know my husband did.

I like the saying that in ANY marriage (first, second, third,...) the Marriage is the First Priority, while the kids are the First Responsibility.

saying who is more important is like apples to oranges. it's a totally different dynamic between spouses than it is between parents and children. you cant' compare importance- both are hugely important to the health of your family.

with the marriage as the priority, it will last long after the kids are grown and gone, but you will have already created and put in place the strong, united foundation that the kids will build on in creating their own lives and families. and with the kids as first responsibility, the spouses will work hard to care for them and ensure that they grow into well grounded, capable members of society.

asking what's more important is like asking what's more important for a house, the foundation or the framing?

(just to add, i didnt have to convince my DH of any of this, but sometimes he needs to be reminded of that- but that's usually only when it comes to "confusing" needs and wants...)

I've read most of the comments, and I must admit, I sort of had some similar questions. I've been in previous relationships where my BF's at the time had children, but it was different because we kept everything separate. We would sometimes all get together and go out when they had the kids, but mainly they had their time, and we had ours. Needless to say, this worked well for everyone when we didn't work. Kids never knew I was a GF, only a friend, and there wasn't a ton of interaction.

With that being said, my current BF and I, guess you could say, fell madly in love quickly. Within a couple months of meeting we were living together. I can honestly say at this point I wish I would have waited. A year later, and now I have more to think about leaving than just my BF. I have always taken the mind set that I will always be #2 and NEVER #1. The way I look at it is, is that ok with you? Sometimes I find it is with me, and sometimes it's really not. There are weekends where the last thing I want is a spoiled tantrum throwing 3 year old brat at my house. And this I am only learning now. If we would have talked about things before we moved in together, we would either be in a better spot, or not together. And I will tell you that unless you create rules and boundaries for EVERYONE to follow (step kids, birth parents, and step parents) it will only get harder when you move in together. I am CONSTANTLY undermined because I have no kids of my own. "You don't know because you've never had kids". I'm sure we all have gotten that. The difference with me is that my cousin was born when I was 12 and I was utilized by my family as a free babysitter. From the age of 12 - 21 I cared for on a regular basis, children from infancy to 9 years old. Granted, I wasn't there 24/7 but it was a good 3 - 4 full days out of any given week. (we were a close family) Basically, he acts like a first time parent, and because he doesn't think my experience is "real" or relevant my opinions and thoughts don't count or matter as much. At first I thought eventually he would get it, but as time goes on I'm realizing he won't. I told him a couple weeks ago that things would be different next time we have her because I was ready to walk away. This weekend will be a test.

If it's necessary for you to be #1 in his eyes, you need to let him know. And let him know too, in X years step kid will be 18. (I use 15 because what teenage girl wants to spend the weekend at her dad's when she can go to friends houses) And I tell him, what will become of us then? At some point she is going to become an adult with her own life and you will see her when she wants to see you. Not every other weekend. And I....I will always be here.....I think he hears me, but I think he doesn't want to. If you can live with being #2 (which isn't HORRIBLE) than you guys should REALLY talk boundaries, and rules before moving in together. We are going to be talking about Holiday's and birthday's soon, since it's getting to be that time of year. (Last year he got up early and went and had Christmas morning with his daughter at BM's house with her family. Granted it was a weekday, but the point is, BM and my BF are no longer together, and they can't confuse the kid if he's not going to be around.) You need to talk about how you are going to discipline. What is acceptable and inacceptable behavior? Children need manners. What manners will be taught? (my boyfriend and I grew up in very different environments) Is there a time out? Do you want them to do chores? Etc. There is SO much more to think about when moving in with you man/woman and THEIR kids. The way YOU want to parent, may not be how the birth parents want to parent. And sometimes that's the hardest battle!

GOOD LUCK!!!

I believe a marriage comes first because it is the foundation on which you build a family. It needs to be rock solid.

When husband and wife each put the other first, when each wants nothing but the very best for the other, when they want the other person to be the best they can be and each wants the others happiness, they form a rock solid unshakeable foundation. From this, the love they have for each other flows quite naturally to the children. Children born into a family where each parent values the other learn to care about others, they learn to share, to treat others with respect, and most importantly they learn that they are a very much loved and wanted part of the family, but they are not the most important person in it. They learn the world doesn't revolve around them, that mum and dad call the shots and while mum and dad love them unconditionally, they love each other too. Children really learn what they live. In this kind of relationship, children learn what a marriage should be, two people wanting each other to be happy, they learn love and respect, they see their parents treat each other with love and respect. They learn that other people have feelings and sometimes you have to put someone else first, they learn to care about others because they see their parents care about them and each other. They learn how to create a happy loving family for themselves because mum and dad built one for them. These kids grow to be strong, independent, emotionally stable adults who are part of the world, an important part, but they do not see themselves as the reason the sun sets and rises, they do not feel owed or entitled.

Children who are put first grow up thinking they are the centre of the universe. They are unable to live healthy independent lives, they always need daddy, or mummy, because when parents put children first they don't allow them to do for themselves, they never allow them to go without or wait. Mum or dad and worse still both will drop everything and run to meet the wants and demands of these kids. Not a good upbringing. These kids struggle when they grow up and the world doesn't think they are special like mum and dad did.

Parents who put each other first will jump through hoops of fire to meet the needs of their kids, but the wants well, they may or may not get them, these parents aren't afraid to say no to their kids because these parents love each other, they are not in competition with each other to get the kids to like them best.

In a marriage where the parents put each other first children grow and thrive in a happy home.
In a marriage where the children are put first, someone is always resentful. Someone always feels neglected, someone is always fighting to have their needs met. The children grow up in a home where both parents are unhappy. The parent who feels second best and neglected is unhappy, the parent who puts the kids first finds as the children get older they demand more attention. This parent is carrying the load of an unhappy partner and selfish kids who have been raised to expect their ever whim will be catered to. So they to are unhappy. Children from this kind of marriage may have more material things, but they do not have emotional maturity and self discipline, attributes they need to stand on their own two feet. They are also unhappy because the atmosphere at home has been far from loving, caring and happy.