Where do I begin?  I have a 15 year old step daughter whom is very special to me.  I have known her since she was 7 years old.  My husband's ex has always been up and down, very volatile and explosive in nature. And over the course of the past year, has shown signs of not being fully mentally fit.  She has made a number of very poor choices this past year - started seeing someone that is an alcoholic and smoked copious amounts of weed, and moved him in after less than 2 months of seeing each other.  My step daughter witnessed this man come home fall down drunk on many occassions, smoked weed with her present, and watched her mother and him have explosive fights on a regular basis (to the point where it was happening on a daily basis).  My step daughter ended up having trouble at school (was bullied by other girls) and her mother moved her an alternate school where learning is very lax, there are different ages in classes (from 15 to 21), etc...My step daughter started to not show up for her usual visitation (every wednesday and every second weekend).  Sometimes we'd see her once a week and others not for weeks at a time.  And when she did come, her appearance and how dressed had changed drastically (heavy heavy makeup, clothes just a tad too revealing to be considered in decent taste), and her attitude had started to change.  She became very disrespectful towards her dad (who rarely raises his voice at her) and sometimes towards me as well.  

She began to hang out with an older crowd - which concerned me, but she hadn't gotten into any trouble (at least that we knew of) and was going to school regularly.  However, we did begin to get text messages asking us to go pick her up at her mom's because of the fighting that was occuring there.  And we did.  We let her know that she could always come here any time and could always stay with us if things got too heated or volatile or if she felt uncomfortable at her mothers.  It was around this time that I noticed that she was cutting herself.

After almost a year,  her mother finally kicked the boyfriend out.  However, the break up seemed to exaserbate things at her home.  Her mother would fly off the handle - like a switch and take her anger and resentment out on my step daughter whenever an argument started for whatever the reason may be (mostly regarding my step daughter's phone usage).  One evening it was so bad that my daughter called my husband hysterically crying and begging him to come get her - while her mother was literally losing herself in the background.  My husband put the call on speaker phone and I'll tell you it was chilling and very disturbing to hear someone screaming (not yelling) in the background.  Unfortunately we were unable to get my step daughter that night because both she and her mother had COVID.  We ended up calling 9-1-1 because we needed to get my step daughter out of there.  My husband spoke to the 9-1-1 operator and i tried to calm my step daughter down by telling her to go to her room and to close the door.  But her mother followed her and banged on her door and kept screaming.  My step daughter then sent me a text telling me an argument started because her mother caught her cutting herself.  Her mom then lost it and began punching herself in the face and head and threatening to cut herself too. This scared my step daughter obviously and then it just got worse.  Paramedics came and took my step daughter to the hospital to get away from her mother for awhile.  Unfortunately after a few hours at the hospital, my step daughter became bored while waiting to see a doctor, called her mom who came and brought her home.  The next day I sent my step daughter a text asking if she was ok.  She said she was and that all was ok now with her mom and that her mom had told her that everybody fights so you are going to have to suck it up and get used to it.  Like whaaaaaat?????  It was after this incident that we became very concerned for my step daughter's well being and I decided that I couldn't have anything to do with her mother any longer.  That through the years she could be very mean and rude with me and then be very nice the next.  And I always gave her the benefit of the doubt.  But this time, no more.  My husband had also decided that he would only communicate with her via text moving forward so that she couldn't manipulate and control the narrative (like she always does).  

Following that incident, the fights with her mother began to increase.  My step daughter started to become distant with my husband and I again.  Weeks would go by without seeing her.  My husband never pushed her.  Was and is always overly patient with her.  Fast forward a few months and her mother texts my husband asking about how much his insurance covered for psychology/psychiatric sessions as she wanted to have my step daughter have a mental health assessment.  My husband asked why and all she said was that my step daughter was having issues with some girls at school again and it was affecting her mental health.  That my step daughter would tell us about it the next time she sees us.  This prompted me to text my step daughter to ask how she was that we missed her and I was worried about her.  She said she was fine but some bad stuff had happened.  I invited her to go shopping and to get a bite to eat and if she wanted to talk about it she could and if she didn't then that was ok too.

She did open up to me and I was floored.  She and her girlfriends had become friends with a 21 year old boy at her school who she said took care of them.  Invited them to his place (he lived on his own) to party and stay any time they had trouble at home.  He offered them drugs (she said she never partaked), and would let them have their own parties there.  This had been going on since she started going to her new school.  A few girls did take him up on his offer to stay with him and he drugged them and took advantage of at least two of them (apparently there are disturbing photos). He made a pass at my step-daughter who became uncomfortable and ended up telling the vice principal at school who brought in the other girls to be questioned. Police were called, reports made, the boy was suspended.  And my step daughter's "friends" turned on her.  On top of all this, my step daughter told me that her mother actually met the boy and thought he was a great guy.  It didn't occur to you to ask what the hell was a 22 yr old boy doing hanging out with a 15 year old????  And not think that once the police were brought in to maybe let my husband know what happened to his daughter????  My husband was and still is extremely upset at her for that.  My husband asked me to contact the school (he was unable to while at work) to find out what happened.  I spoke with the vice principal who brought me up to speed.  She also said that my step daughter makes poor social choices in her desire to fit in with an older crowd unfortunately.

Fast forward to a month later (just this past weekend), the ex texts my husband to let him know that my step daughter was sent home from school and that she was changing a subjects and that we needed to support her.  Since we were seeing my step daughter on the weekend, my husband didn't bother to respond to her mother as we'd ask her ourselves what happened.  While getting ready to go out to dinner, she and I were putting our make up on and I asked her what happened for her to be sent home from school.  It was like flipping a switch - she became very defensive saying these girls were harrassing her so she went after them in the school hallway yelling and threatening to hurt them.  I asked her why she didn't go the other way (we had discussed bullying and mean girls and how to deal with them just recently).  She became very angry at me and said she had a right to defend herself and could threaten them if she wanted to.  I calmly let her know that yes she did have a right to defend herself but to physically threaten others at school was the reason she was sent home.  And I left it at that.  I could tell there was no point talking about it further.  She then proceeded to be very disrespectful to anyone who came in her space (the waitress at the restaurant even) and told my husband she didn't when she be back to see us and proceeded to text her mother through dinner (disregarding our rule of no phones at dinner) and had her mom pick her up.

The next day i received the most scathing text from her mother.  Telling me to that I had followed her daughter up to the bathroom, cornered her and began lecturing her.  That my step daughter could threaten who ever she wanted however she wanted if she is being harrassed.  She then proceeded to say she would no longer be sharing any incidents that occur with my husband and began using really foul language to claim that I'm jealous of her (uuummm nope not even close).  That my "job" as a step parent was to feed, house and keep her safe period.  That I also told my step daughter that my husband and I would not speak to her mother any longer.  Nope never did that.  But my step daughter is certainly observant.  She went to say that I was the cause of much stress to my step daughter and that I judge her and that critique her make up and what she wears.  Uuuummm nope haven't done that either.  My step daughter and I have had many chats about make up trends, etc... She claimed that my husband is a manipulator and a liar and that she knows him better than I "EVER" will.  That he is shell of the man he used to be since he met me.  

I did respond and kept the response as polite as possible explaining I did not lecture her but could see how maybe she could think it was. She responded that I won't take ownership that I stress her out and judge all the time. I let her know that I never told my step daughter that we were no longer talking to her.  I let her know that my  'job' as a step parent was not to feed, cloth, house or keep her safe.  That is the role of her parents.  That I have only been there as an ally, a supporter and I try hard to be a positive role model for her.  And that I do love and care for my step daughter very much.  That I'm worried about her and hope that she gets the support she needs to deal with the many issues that occured this past and how to deal with conflict that inevitably occur in the future.  She obviously didn't appreciate my response and responded back to me claiming that I was calling her daughter a liar and that she would be sure to tell my step daughter that I called her a liar.  She then said that my step daughter never wants to come to our home again and that she can meet with my husband for dinner or a walk or something as long as I'm not there with them.  But that my step daughter doesn't have the guts to say that to me or my husband.  That I have caused psychological damage to my step daughter, that a step parent should never punish a step child (uuuummmm neither my husband or I have ever punished her for anything).  She called me controlling and that my husband can never speak to his kids (he has an older son with her too) without me being there in the background. They always facetime each other and sometimes I happen to be in the same room and more times than not I'm not around.  There was no point in any further communication with this woman as she is not able to see any sort of reason. And like I had said to my step daughter previously, never stoop to a bully's level.  

My husband called his ex to call her out on her horrible behaviour but unfortunately with this woman, no matter what you do, she is right, must have the last word and will hold a very deep grudge.  My husband is disgusted with her.  And is disappointed in his daughter for lying about me going after her (cornering her). 

Suffice it to say that this woman's toxic venom and cruelty has no bounds.  I fear for my step daughter's future (she is no longer going to school) and also fear that our relationship has been irreperably damaged.  I also feel just horrible for my husband.  

I will be taking a huge step back.  I already had taken some tiny steps back before, but unfortunately must almost remove myself from anything to do with my step daughter.  Not just for me but for her own mental and emotional safety as I know that her mother must have just been rip roaring out loud and unfortunately influencing my step daughter as well.  

I'm very tired.