Teenage SD Issues - First Timer - Long Post
Hi I'm new and am happy to have finally found a forum for step parents! I have been married for 5 years and am a step mom to 4 kids with different moms: 15 yr old girl and 21 yr old boy with Mom 3; 24 yr old boy with Mom 2 and 31 yr old girl with Mom 1. I am currently close with the 24 year old and 31 year old and not much dealings with their moms since they are adults. My 21 yr old SS is an addict and that story is for another post. Many issues where he is concerned but he is on his own living the life he chooses. My 15 yr old SD, whom I thought she and I had a very good relationship, it turns out things have been going south with her over the past two months. I should say that my husband and his ex (Mom 3) were never married and legally separated 8 years ago and per the custody agreement, he is to have my SD every Wednesday and every 2nd weekend. Relationship with Mom 3 has been rocky at times.
Over the past two months I have seen quite a change in my SD. She isn't her happy, easy going self any longer. Her mother began seeing a man around this time and my SD spoke with me quite openly about her feelings about it and issues with her mom. Mom and boyfriend tend to argue quite abit and my SD feels that her mom takes her frustrations out on her. She feels she has to walk on eggshells around her mom for fear of what will set off her mom. Mom is known to be quite verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. Mom's boyfriend is apparently fairly laid back (which my SD likes), but drinks quite excessively and smokes weed (which I know is an anxiety trigger for my SD due to drug issues with her brother). And now mom's boyfriend is moving in.
Her mom has always grilled my SD when she comes home from being with us. And sometimes, either my husband or myself will get a call from her trying to bully us regarding what we do with her while she is with us. Because our time with her is limited, we concentrate on doing out best to share quality time with her by doing activities (paint nights, dinner dates, movie nights, going hiking, etc...). And sometimes, we have quiet weekends with just the three of us.
We have always offered an open door policy to her - letting her know that she can always come to either her dad or I with anything, no judgments. And she has definitely taken advantage of this, at least with me, by talking about any issues she is having at home, with friends, etc...
But lately, something has changed. Just over a month ago, her dad was helping her with an issue she was having with her iphone, when all of sudden she didn't want him touching her phone, calling him names and just being all around disrespectful and quite frankly mean. It not only shocked me, but shocked and hurt her father. I spoke to her about the incident shortly afterwards and all she could do was blame her father for only trying to help her and she refused to apologize. After that she has stopped coming on Wednesdays. My husband texts her every Wednesday to find out what time to pick her up and the answer is now that she isn't coming. No explanation provided.
She also no longer stays for whole weekends when we are to have her. And the last weekend, which was her birthday weekend, she asked if she could only come on the Sunday for her birthday dinner rather than the whole weekend. At least she asked? And my husband won't force her, so fine Sunday only it was. We made all of her favourite dishes. Her mom dropped her off 45 minutes late. She barely touched her food but was in pretty good humour. While her dad was getting a movie ready for us to watch, she stayed with me while I cleaned up and begand talking about a bullying situation she was having at school - we talked about possible coping skills, etc...she then talked about her mom's boyfriend moving in and how she felt about it - to which she said she was ok with it...she then said she had been experiencing alot of anxiety lately. I asked her if she every felt anxious coming to see us (her mom had inferred to this earlier in the summer which perplexed my husband and I). She said she sometimes did. I asked her if she could tell me what made her anxious about coming to our place and she said she sometimes feels judged but couldn't give me an example or why she felt judged. She said she was feeling nervous about going back to her mom's because her mom and boyfriend had been fighting. I let her know that she is always welcome in our home at any time so to not be afraid to call us to come pick her up if she ever needed a break from her mom's. She also told me that she has been seeing a therapist that she likes and speaks to him regularly. I was happy to hear that. It was actually a good conversation and I was glad that she could come to me to talk about some of her issues.
The following day, her mom called my husband to say that my SD was upset with me and that I needed to mind my own business and that my SD is not my daughter. That coming to our house is a trigger for my SD and that is why she doesn't come as much as she used to. That we have high expectations of her (uuuummm no we don't) and she always feels judged (???) especially by me. She said that my SD is cutting herself and is now on anti-anxiety medication (that was the first we heard about this!!). She went on about this and basically pointing the finger at my husband and I as one of the causes for my SD's anxiety issues. She mentioned a number of things that my SD and I had spoken about the night before but my words had been twisted and made to sound evil and with bad intent. I was shocked, blindsided, hurt and made to be the scapegoat (that has occurred with this Mom and her son before).
This has left me to feel very uncomfortable around my SD the next time she does come to our home (our next weekend with her is this coming - whether she comes, who knows). I have no idea how to move forward with this. Now I feel that I have to walk on eggshells around my SD for fear that whatever I say or do will be misconstrued and twisted. I certainly don't want to be the cause of her anxiety or possibly hurting herself. And I hate that I may have to instill boundaries with respect to her coming to me to talk about her troubles/issues. 
Gosh, that is so much, and I
Gosh, that is so much, and I hope those with social work and child psychology experience can chime in with a better informed advice. From this description I see a couple of things.
1) intense anxiety (possibly also depression). Certainly this new diagnosis alone could be what's causing her to feel extra judged or rejected by you. I know it's really common in kids who have ADHD to also have a rejection sensitivity. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong at all or anything different, but I know there are psychological factors that can create this effect.
2) The new life factor that you mentioned was the moms boyfriend. it feels like perhaps not a bull's-eye in understanding what's going wrong, but that change of situation could certainly be upsetting. Although you've been around for a while and haven't experienced in the past, I've noticed when my BM has a new person around the house it can shake up those loyalty binds and fears about to change. in my case, it's never acted out against me, but at DH. But all of a sudden they lash out at the safer parent and talk about what a horrible father he is, even though nothing has changed in our house. I don't want to project my stuff onto you, but it's possible that's a contributing factor.
and I am really sorry for all of this. Teenagers are already strange, and especially when they aren't your biological strange creatures it's even harder. I'm glad she's in therapy, and I think all you can really do is continue to be kind (though I agree with feeling kind of on edge and retreating a bit to protect yourself). Hopefully she comes out on the other side of teenager hood OK and with a good understanding of her emotions and herself, not to mention her parenting.
Sounds to me like BM has
Sounds to me like BM has ramped up poisoning SD against you guys, for whatever reason. Probably related to the new BF in some way. BM sounds high-conflict, and this is probably taking a toll on SD. Kids with mothers like that often end up with mental health issues. I'd suggest your DH reach out to the therapist and ask to meet with him and share his concerns about the changes in SD.
If I were you, I'd take a step back - continue to be warm and caring, but let SD drive your relationship for now. I'm not a big fan of letting kids decide on visitation, but at the same time, you can't force teens to come over, so give her some flexibility.
I agree with stepping back &
I agree with stepping back & letting SD do most of the talking, you can still be a listening ear, but protect yourself. Also, is BM obligated to let DH know about SD's medical information, why is he only informing him about therapy & medication when calling to complain? 3x BM's is a lot, I have but one in my life & that's plenty, she's more work than both my SS's combined... I hope the other two are less high conflict.
Couple of things
1. It always stings when you think you have a good relationship with a step and they overreact and turn on you for some perceived slight. Makes you realize that your cumulative efforts haven't been as well received as you thought. Very disappointing and hurtful- not to mention sort of embarrassing. Yet, it does clarify things a bit and serves as a strong signal that you need to back way way way back and stay backed up. Be kind and friendly going forward- but know that there is truly some resentment on the stepkid's part. It's easier for their egos to dump on you than their parents. I have found that the resentment never really goes away. The relationship can continue but it's never the same and that's okay.
2. You meant well - but talking about her mom, the boyfriend is a no go. Most kids' indentities are wrapped up with their parents. Plus, this girl appears to be struggling. So when u ask about the mom, etc. she might feel like you are judging the mom- and ergo her. Even if she talks badly about the mom or boyfriend you would be wise to not say much in response- anything you say will be turned against you - because, frankly, she sees you as an outsider.
3. Let her dad and mom handle everything going forward. When she comes for visitation make sure your husband is spending time with her - and let them have some space- this is for your benefit - and takes you out of the line of fire as an easy target. Husbands will often let the stepmother do the nurturing, etc - don't let this be the pattern. He can buy the food, gifts, plan the activities, etc. Don't make a big drama about it - just get out of the middle.
4. This is related to all the stuff above, but try not to take it too personally - you're just an easy target. Your husband needs to take care of his kid. You can support him - but that's about all u can do.
Sorry that this happened.
It appears to be fairly
It appears to be fairly obvious that SD did not want Dad finding something she had been doing on her phone. If I were Dad, I would have turned her over my knee and lit her ass up for being a disrespectful little shit then confiscated her phone, dissected it for every bit of information on it, and then prosecuted appropriate consequences for anything on it that was inappropriate.
Somewhere along the evolutionary path, parents have lost touch with their brains and their parental testicular fortitude.