Will the BS Ever Stop?
It's been awhile since I last posted so apologies for the long post 
. Things have been fairly quiet other than DH still dealing with child support issues with BM. Thankfully SD17 is turning 18 in September and DH will be done with child support. SD17 quit school back in February - she doesn't know that DH and I know this. DH had been receiving email notifications whenever she missed school (which was everyday) and then they just stopped. DH had hoped that perhaps she started going back to school on a regular basis. But after more than a month of no notifications, DH figured something was up (it's not like SD to go to school on a consistent basis). He called the school to find out that SD hadn't been to school since February and that her file was now inactive. DH asked if there had been any requests to transfer her files (in hopes that maybe, just maybe, she looked at transferring to another school). No requests made. Suffice it to say, that SD had been lying to DH about going to school when she wasn't. And BM would never tell DH this or anything that is going on with SD. There is no longer any communication with BM other than through lawyers (see previous posts as to why).
SD and BM are moving to a small town about a 1/2 hour from where we live next week. For DH and I, good riddance to BM, the further we are away from her the better. However, because of this move SS17 had to leave her part time job and BM has convinced SD that because of SD's back problems (which are preventable by doing physio and some stretching exercises that SD refuses to do), that SD will never be able to work full time and will need to go on disability (same thing that BM is on, same thing that BM convinced SS to do as well - SS was 22 when he passed away a year and a half ago from an overdose). Let the cycle continue 
We have not seen much of SD in the past almost 2 years. Her christmas gift is still here. I was away for work a week ago and DH finally was able to meet up with her to take her shopping for an afternoon. That is the most time they have spent with each other in person in almost 2 years. She complained about moving. She has a new boyfriend who lives close to where she and BM currently live and moving a 1/2 hour away is going to be tough to see him. DH offered that she could come visit us whenever she'd like and while visiting us, could meet up with her boyfriend. He received a non-committal shrug to that. He asked her why she doesn't visit us and her answer: she doesn't like me asking her questions. Huh? I know that she is heavily influenced by BM (BM is a classic narcissit), but considering SD and I have hardly spoken to each other in 2 years, I'm not sure how she can say that I ask her too many questions. I guess saying hello and how are you or what have you been up to lately is too much???? We have very little to no communication between us these days because she said some pretty not so nice things about me to her older step sister a few years ago that were completely untrue. After that, I took a big step back. I had to. I saw a totally different person than the one she presented to DH and I whenever she used to come to our place. All DH and I every tried to do for her is provide her with a stable, calm and safe environment when she was was with us. Rules when she was with us - just your basic clean up after yourself, help with dishes, that kind of thing. And when she started to smoke, go oustide. And when we learned she started smoking weed - we put a hard stop/no to that one. BM might be ok with her getting high in her backyard, but not happening at our place. If that makes me a bad guy, so be it.
To hear that she is still using me as a scapegoat, is not only hurtful, but quite frankly pisses me off now. I've told DH that if she feels that way, then I'm fine with her not coming to our home. I am sick of having to watch what I say and do for fear that she will twist it to make it look like I'm judging her (which DH and I have never done btw) and she goes and tells BM and then I get attacked (which she still does - any time she talks with DH on the phone, BM is in the background chirping - DH just lets SD go when that happens, tells her he loves and will talk to her later). I'm tired of the BS. I've taken it for years and I am just done. I'm tired of having to watch what I say and do in my own home. I'm tired of the back stabbing and the lies. With SD joined to BM at the hip, I don't forsee my relationship with SD getting better in the future. But rather it will be very surface level. It's sad because SD and I spent alot time together until she turned 15. And I feel bad for DH because all he wants is to have some kind of relationship with SD.
"I've told DH that if she
"I've told DH that if she feels that way, then I'm fine with her not coming to our home. I am sick of having to watch what I say and do for fear that she will twist it to make it look like I'm judging her "
Well, aren't you judging her? I would. 17, dropout, and already trying to angle for disability "for her back", same as her BM? I would judge the hell out of that. You know she's trying to game the system, making it that much harder for people who really need help to get it. Seriously, does she have a catastrophic diagnosis that would make it reasonable to give up on herself at 17? If she does, i will stand corrected. Don't feel bad for your feelings. If you have to when she is around, and you haven't even voiced these feelings, it's reasonable to not want her in your home.
This is great and right
This is great and right Rumple. Nice work, great assesmsent and yes - I'd feel the same exact way.
Agree with you - she is a
Agree with you - she is a product of her environment with mom. You live what you learn comes in to play here. BM, for some reason, doesn't want better for her kids. BM was a high school drop out, worked bars, reception jobs until she got pregnant with SS and then chose to never go back to work and lived off of DH's shcool janitor's salary until he left. She then found a doctor who she could manipulate or play and convince him that she her "depression" was too much to go work, she then went on disability. When SS was still with us, he too dropped out of school, drugs became the centre of his life, he had back issues (that could also have been preventable via physio - I know, because I took him to a few physio appts), and mom got him on disability when he turned 18 or 19 if I recall. Now BM is doing the same with SS. SS's back issues can also be prevented by going to physio and taking care of herself but she refuses for some reason. It really is sad to watch this all happen again.
No reason to be guilty for SD not coming over
This is a SD and BM problem, not yours. Since SD is disrespectful to you. It's your right to do or not do what ever you want or feel like. You own her nothing. She is making it clear she doesn't want to be part of your family. Give her what she wants
Disengage my friend, nothing
Disengage my friend, nothing good will come of this and if you get yourself emotionally wrapped in this or even lift a finger to be helpful you will be the scapegoat target. Steer clear, mind your own, seek internal happiness, be with those who treat you well and let DH deal with his daughter outside of your home.
Yes: Disengage. Grrrr...DH
Yes: Disengage. Grrrr...DH took her shopping after not seeing her for how long?!? I've been of the mind that skids have to earn their way back to normal (or some sense of normal) relationships. Not that it has always been that way here.
The secrets = disrespect and a great PAS mechanism. Lots of them here, too. Scapegoating you = Typical but a big NO.
Will turn 18: Watch out and batten down the hatches. Behavior might change (but it will be fake) because poor widdle SD is going to need some cash from Daddy (this is probably why contact has been made again). Been there. I think my DH was still doling out monthly cash for another 3 years after CS ended. I was livid.
For over 10 years, my DH has seen his kids mostly outside of our home. My SD has been in our house 3 times during that time. SS slithered in a few other times. Now, the door has permanently shut. But it has been a lifesaver for our marriage and for my overall peace of mind.
The Projection of These SKs....
it's ridiculous. Like you, I have been falsely accused of so many things and it would infuriate me. After 19+ years, I've finally toughened up.
The latest accusation was from his 32 year old unstable daughter. "I don't have a relationship with my Dad because of THAT woman (meaning me). My response to DH when he told me: "It's unfortunate that she's so mentally unstable that she cannot recognize her own part in her poor relationship with you. But if she needs a scapegoat, I'm good. I know it's not true and those who know and love me know the truth. The rest, I could care less what they think." Then I went on with my day.
Bottom line...I'm living my best life in spite of being in StepHell. DH and I have a great marriage and have fun. I have two bio kids that are doing well in life. I have a great relationship with my former husband and his beautiful wife. I've set boundaries that keep the toxic Step crap at bay. And THAT is the reason DH's daughter (all of his kids) try to project their woes in life on to me...because they're jealous they aren't a part of it. Oh well...should been a nice person.
I'd suggest your DH see her away from your home....it's what my DH and I have done for 6 years now. Stand strong and send that message. Let your DH deal with his daughter but in a place it doesn't impact you.
Oh my goodness! "I don't have
Oh my goodness! "I don't have a relationship with my Dad because of THAT woman (meaning me)." I've had similar accusations made about me apparently but they have come from BM not directly from the skids. When SS was with us, I told him often that if he needed me to be the bad guy, to make himself feel better, then that was fine by me (having said that, I'd say in the year leading up to his passing, although his addiction was the worse it ever was, he and I seemed to have come to some kind of peace with our relationship, as odd as that may sound). With SD, BM has made the accusations, and SD is just going along with them. BM has her under her thumb. I just can't be bothered to play in their sandbox any longer.
Thankfully SD17 is turning 18
Thankfully SD17 is turning 18 in September and DH will be done with child support.
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I am going to address that part ^^^^^
BM may decide to ask the court for child support to continue because sd can't work.
Yes, we aren't able to relax
Yes, we aren't able to relax quite yet. But if BM tries to go after additional child support because she puts SD on disability, I believe she would have to prove to the court that SD would need to be dependent on her. Being on disability, doesn't mean that SD can't leave BM and go live somewhere else if she chooses. (i.e. unable to withdraw from BM's charge or be able to obtain the necessaries of life due to illness, disability...).
Tolerance for any of this
Tolerance for any of this shit has to end. Hard stop.
Start documenting SD's working, activities, etc, when BM initiates the fraudulent filing of disability, send it to the proper benefit organization and get the ball rolling for rejection of that claim and.... a fraud charge. Better to get this nipped in the bud at the beginning and put this kid on a self accountability track rather than letting her go down the same toilet with her BM and her OD'd deceased brother.
Will the BS ever stop?
The best way to protect yourself is to assume that no, it won't and act accordingly.
You're about to enter the next phase of step life, where c.s. stops but the ante rises because these poorly reared skids can't adult. There's a lot of big mistakes to be made between the ages of 18-22, and substandard kids like your SD tend to make a lot of them, so it's important to have a game plan to protect your peace.
It's common for BMs to kick skids out soon after c.s. ends. Without that extra $$, they aren't as willing to put up with the stunted monsters they've created. And then there's the money problems, legal problems, pregnancies etc. This skid has zero ambition, zero education, and zero life plan, so she isn't going to launch. You need to get a policy in place that NO OTHER ADULTS will live with you, no raising other people's babies etc. Start walking around naked, having hot monkey sex in all the public areas of the house etc. and come up with other creative ways to ensure your DH won't want to have anyone else live with you.
It's common for BMs to kick
*Facepalm!* I recently wrote in a blog how BM kicked the skids out and put herself in the way of danger to punish them for their poor behavior AND to reengage their Mommy Worship and Lifelong Devotion. I never thought about it, but, yessss, this occurred a couple years after CS ended and immediately after DH FINALLY stopping the demanded (but optional) monthly ransom payments.
No Way!
Under no circumstance is DH's OSD welcome in our home; this is to protect my personal peace and my marriage. (I am fortunate because DH has told me more than once that he "never wanted her here".) Home is one's sanctuary.