Torn
Hi everyone. I need some advice if anyone has been in my situation. My daughter is 31 years old and has a 6 month old child. She came to live with us 4 months ago because she needed a place to stay. My husband, not her Father (Step Father) was all for making sure the girls were save and my daughter could get on her feet. We were hopeful that my daughter would work to find job opportunities here where she couldn't in the state she was living. I guess she isn't moving fast enough for my husband. Over the last several months, my husband complains constantly about every little thing my daughter does or doesn't do. She does rely on me way too much to help her with the baby. I will agree with that, but she is trying to work from home doing a part time job and our lil angel is VERY ACTIVE...she is already crawling, standing and is determined to walk. Anyway....my daughter doesn't do a good job of picking up after herself or the baby. She is kind of scatter brained trying to work, take care of the baby and learn how to organize herself as a new Mother. However, my husband's patience are wearing thin and instead of speaking to my daughter (an adult) he vents to me, gets angry at me and is putting me in the middle of everything. Grant it, she is my daughter, but she is also an adult, not a child. If he has issues with her, I feel he needs to take those issue directly to her. Am I wrong? My husband's 19 year old son just moved out of the house on his own. We are so proud for him. But I am wondering if the animosity my husband feels towards my daughter has anything to do with the fact that we would have been empty nesters if she wasn't here. We agreed to allow her to stay one year to get on her feet. It has been 4 months and he hammers me everyday about little nick picky things. It is wearing on me because I have an obligation to my husband of course. But I/we also have an obligation to my daughter. We BOTH agreed to allow her to stay her for a year. But I don't think I can handle 8 more months of being verbally beat up over a plate in the sink or breast pump gadgets drying on the kitchen counter.
I get his frustrations. When we first married, his son was 13 and his daughter 18. They were very disrespectful to me, blatantly rude and literally did everything they could to push me out. All these things were done in front of my husband, who didn't do a thing about it. But I endured it all out of love for my husband. The kids had a right to feel how they felt with a new woman in their lives. Over time, the kids and I (his kids) have developed a terrific relationship because I stuck it out and continued to show care and concern for them and their lives regardless how they behaved. They finally grew to trust and respect me. It took time, but I knew they were who they were and who was I to try and change them. It hurt...yeah, esapecially when my husband showed no empathy or sympathy when I felt down about it. So, I understand the frustration of not being able to understand/change another persons child. But if I could put up with that horrible behavior from his children for 5 long years, you would think the man could deal with dishes in the sink, breast pumps, baby toys on the floor for 8 more months without complaining/nagging to me every single day of my life over and over and over again! My daughter's behavior is not something she was raised with. So, I get the frustration. It isn't the way we do things around here. I don't understand it, but it is what it is. I have always been very organized, and made certain the children respected their space and others when visiting, so this new behavior that frustrates my husband so much was a behavior that she has taken on living on her own for so long. Please do not misunderstand, I feel for my husband, I know this is hard for him. I thank him everyday for being so supportive and allowing this situation to happen. The baby is a good baby! He loves her dearly, but my husband has a real tough time with my daughter. It isn't just the plates in the sink, laundry everywhere, etc. It is the fact that she isn't making the type of decisions he thinks she should be making as quickly as he thinks they should be made. He isn't one that can have a discussion, especially if your opinion is different from his... he becomes angry...my daughter is the same way....so basically, I hide and cry all the time because I feel like I am being put in the middle of what I think is a situation that could be resolved or softened by the two of them talking/fighting it out. No matter if I talk to her on his behalf or don't say anything, I the mental beat down is gonna happen. Either from her or from him. I think the discussion should be between the two of them...Am I living in a fantasy world?
"But I am wondering if the
"But I am wondering if the animosity my husband feels towards my daughter has anything to do with the fact that we would have been empty nesters if she wasn't here."
^^^You are probably right on this feeling. DH was probably looking forward for the nest to be vacant except for you two...and then two more people come back, which 1) neither are his children, and 2) have a YOUNG baby which in itself is a lot of work and headache.
Not to mention a scrambled-headed new mother.
You seem to see your situation the same way your DH saw it when his bios were home: you have more empathy and understanding for your bios, sometimes to the point you become blind to anything negative. Yes, we try to help our children, but she's 31...AND has a child of her own. She needs more than a part time job if she has to do this on her own. Which includes paying for babysitters, travel, etc.
She needs to make a more concrete plan, and yes she needs to clean up after herself...if she wasn't at home with Mommy, who else would do it???
Edit for grammar!
Your daughter needs to be
Your daughter needs to be respectful of the fact that she is living in someone elses home, and pick up after herself and her baby. If your husband cannot have that conversation with her without it turning into an argument, then perhaps you need to step in and have a chat with your daughter. You probably should have already had that chat by now, anyway.
Yes. I have had the chat in
Yes. I have had the chat in the beginning which is another reason my husband is so frustrated. I am so thankful for all your comments...I am totally seeing the other side of the coin here. I guess it is time for a "COME TO JESUS MEETING". I guess if tempers fly and she threatens to go back to the city she was in hundreds of miles away, then that will be her decision....I just worry about the baby. THANKS EVERYONE..blindfold off....now I just need to suck it up and get up the courage to stand my ground.
I know it's hard but you
I know it's hard but you cannot let her use the baby to manipulate you.
hereiam, can you pretend to
hereiam, can you pretend to be me through that conversation???? Seriously, how do I not let her use the baby? I am concerned for the baby's welfare.
She is 31, do you feel that
She is 31, do you feel that she is that incapable of taking care of her own child, if you are not there to rescue her?
What were the circumstances of her having to move in with you at 31? I know that things happen but she is a mother and should be willing to do what it takes to take care of her baby.
What do you think will happen if she moves back to the city she moved from? Why would you be so worried about the baby?
I think for starters, you need to make sure that SHE is the one taking care of her baby while living in your home. You can be Grandma, but she needs to be mom.
My daughter doesn't handle
My daughter doesn't handle stress very well. Her Father was physically abusive to me and my son, but never to her. I am afraid that in frustration she may have his tendencies. She hasn't displayed any action that makes me think that. It is complete PTSD or paranoia maybe. Maybe I am a controlling Grandma. I am just scared. Moving back to the city she moved from makes me nervous because the job market there is nonexistent ...she could never afford to live on her own with the baby and afford good daycare at the same time. Between work and taking care of a baby, although I did it, her friends do it etc. I am just afraid. That is my only answer. Not really a good one, but it's all I've got. No explanation.
You are going to have to let
You are going to have to let her be an adult and a parent, which means she needs to move out at the agreed upon time and until then, she needs to pull her weight in your home.
You cannot watch over her 24/7 until the baby is grown. She is going to have to learn and adjust, and you enabling her will not help.
Where is the baby's father? Does he pay child support?
Are there resources where you live to help her find a full time job? Parenting classes? Stress management classes?
If you want to help her, help her find the resources so that she can help herself.
The baby's Father does pay
The baby's Father does pay child support. But that is it. Nothing more. She has friends there who are married with children and seem to be good role models as far as how they work and care for their children. There are single individuals there too that are friends who are very supportive.
There are other resources there for her too, but as the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water...".
I know I need to be stronger and show her the right way. It came instinctively to me as a Mom, but not so much to her. I think she is scared. Or lazy like others have said today. Not sure. Just don't want to abandon her or the baby and that is what I am feeling by putting my foot up her rump!
You are all right....I am enabling her but the fear of her abandoning me for not doing what she feels she needs me to do is a scary thing to me. As mentioned, she is all I have left (biologically). I know blah blah blah excuses and excuses are gonna enable her and not make her be the woman and Mom she needs to be. I guess I need to take a look in the mirror and work on me too.
^^^^THIS - SO MUCH
^^^^THIS - SO MUCH THIS^^^^
Your daughter is not magically going to become a capable adult in 8 months if you keep doing everything for her and making excuses out of fear. I suggest counselling to help you see how you are actually hurting your daughter and to enable you to set boundaries and stick to them.
Have you always "rescued" your daughter in the past? My exDH was also a rescuer. Any time his child made a mistake, exDH would clean up the mess and "fix" the situation. Even if "fixing" it was detrimental to our home. This destroyed my marriage. Don't let that happen to you.
When my former adult step-child's mother passed away, in her nightstand was a book titled, "Grown Up Children Who Won't Grow Up." Sadly, she passed away before she could finish the book but at least she recognized there was an issue.
Yes...I have unfortunately.
Yes...I have unfortunately. And you point is well taken. I do see how it is hurting her because she seems to think I am going to fix all this without any effort from her. I realize it is my fault. Although my hubby says it is not my fault that I was there for her and now she is taking full advantage of the chance we are giving her to be on her own. He feels like I was a good parent and my daughter knows all the buttons to push to get me to do what she NEEDS and WANTS me to do without her doing a thing. I can't fix this one and the baby, as much as I love her so did not come out of me. She made that choice and while I will support her, I am not going to raise her child for her nor will I raise her again. I know these things, but getting to the point of following my own inner thoughts is a struggle. It is probably me as someone said that needs the counseling.
The very hardest thing, but
The very hardest thing, but yet the very best thing, you could do for your daughter is to let her fail or succeed on her own merit. It will be extra hard now since she is well beyond the typical launch age. I do think counselling would be very helpful for you. You recognize the issue and now you just need to acquire the tools and the strength to let go. Counselling would help with that. Wishing you the best.
OK...I will take a shot in
OK...I will take a shot in the gut because I came here for help, but let me explain something to you. I didn't ASK her to move in. She asked and WE came to her aid. No question there. She has not done anything in the time she has been here that she said she would do in an effort to make it on her own. If I was making decisions for her she would be working a full time job (which I found for her that offered onsite daycare with benefits and she didn't try to apply). She was saving to move out on her own with her child at the move out date, but decided a gym membership to get back in shape wa more important. There is a room in my home that is a full gym! There are NO efforts being made to get out on her own. WE encourage her all the time that she CAN do this, she is the one that thinks she can't and that is NO fault of ours.
I do see that by my not taking a stand on how she is behaving in this household, putting her needs before her daughters and handing the baby to me every five seconds to care for her is enabling her. I would love to set her free. I have shown her to do it in raising her on my own.... But she doesn't seem to WANT to go anywhere. I/We have made it way to easy for her to stay. No one has ever suggested that she was a moron or even treated her as if she is. She gets nothing but complete support from us emotionally.
I realize she will make mistakes, we all do. Being able to call a parent frantic and scared is something she has never had a problem doing. We have ALWAYS been here for her and that will never change. I may appear to be codependent, but the chains are not on MY DAUGHTER they are on ME/Hubby at this point.
You can't do the right thing
You can't do the right thing FOR her (or yourself or your marriage) if you're living in fear OF her.
You are not abandoning her by making her take responsibility, that's what parents are supposed to do. She chose to have a baby, she needs to take responsibility for that.
I thank you both for your
I thank you both for your comments and agree with you both. I guess I see your point(s) here. I am screaming "she is an adult figure it out between the two of you" but what it seems I am really doing is trying to NOT be the bad guy here protect and my "child" rather than make certain she doesn't get too comfortable and start settling in.....it is tough for me. I don't argue with my hubby. I let him say what he needs to say and get it off his chest. He has that right for sure. I feel the same way he does sometimes, but I don't say it outloud because that would make me a horrible person to talk about my own kid that way! BACKGROUND: I have two sisters and a Dad that are still living. When my Mom past away 17 yes ago, we all just slipped apart because I don't think we ever really liked each other much anyway. None of us. This has been a real struggle for me because I believe in family and tried to find out how we could all remain a family after Mom passed, but it just didn't work. My son, died at the age of 16 and my daughter is all I have left (biologically). So subconsciously, I am afraid to do anything to anger her or make her leave because I would have nothing (biological family). She knows this and sometimes plays the "maybe I should just move" card...she knows it gets me. She is a bit manipulative at times. But her Father has passed so I am the only thing she has left (biologically). I don't know, now I am just rambling. BUT you both are right, a part time job isn't enough to support the two of them even with the 600 a month child support she gets from the BD...not in this city for sure. BUT...I don't want her going back to the city she was in. It is one of the top 5 dangerous cities in the nation. There are no job opportunities where she was wither and the Father of the baby has not put an effort once into seeing this child for the full 4 months they have been here. He has another two year old and rarely sees her, makes excuses (lies) when the BM asks him to watch her; so he would be of no help. I just don't think she can handle the baby all alone in a city hundreds of miles away. I worry for the baby.
OMG I sound like such an enabler! Maybe I am the one that needs help! LOL!
Exactly! How many times have
Exactly! How many times have posters told an SM or a step dad, that with adult steps (and minors) the marriage is the priority. OP both you and your DH agreed to housing your daughter for a year. But when the situation becomes unbearable, or causes too much friction then you must re look at what you agreed too. I can totally understand your frustration that you had put up with a lot of garbage with your skids and you expect the same from your DH. However even you are finding this hard with your daughter living with you. You need to set clear rules with your daughter about what is expected and setting her to launch. You also need to be clear with your DH and come to a new agreement on how this can improve. Good luck
Yes, I'm sorry to say, you
Yes, I'm sorry to say, you are living in a fantasy world.
Your daughter sounds like an inconsiderate slob and you sound like an enabler. "It is what it is"? Are you kidding? You've given up, and your husband can see that. He's pissed and I don't blame him one bit. After 4 months he has seen nothing to indicate that your daughter will be ready to take care of herself and her child in 8 more. That's not a long time so I'm sure he's worried that you will go back on your word of a year and let her stay "just another month" which will turn into 3 more and 6 more.
You need to talk to your daughter about being a decent member of the household and picking up after herself and her child. It's called common courtesy. I can see why your husband is upset about it and I'm sure your daughter doesn't give a rat's ass what your husband thinks, which is why YOU need to tell her. You are doing her a HUGE favor by letting her (and her baby!) stay with you, she should be pitching in any way possible, but cleaning up after herself at the very least. You turning a blind eye to it and accepting it is driving your husband crazy, I know it would me! And maybe he doesn't feel comfortable telling your daughter. I know I'm not comfortable telling my adult stepson to do certain things so I make my husband tell him because that's HIS son. You're not helping anyone by allowing your daughter to treat your home this way. Sounds like she is way too comfy there, which also doesn't make it seem like she will be moving out any time in the near future.
Your daughter is 31 and a mother, but you're enabling her like a child. You need to stop. Your daughter needs a game plan and it doesn't look like she has one. She should be working full time and saving money to get her own place, not floundering at a part time at home job. What would she be doing if you weren't there to take care of her? She's not a kid, she's a grown woman who should have this figured out by now. I'm sure your husband sees that she's not getting her life together whatsoever, and doesn't see that forthcoming any time soon. She needs to be on a path to independence, and clearly she's not. You said your 19 yo SS has launched, has it occurred to you at all that if he can, your much older daughter certainly can?
And please don't be a martyr; what you chose to put up with from your stepkids has nothing to do with what your DH puts up with from his. Be a better person than someone who plays tit for tat games. Besides, YOU should want a clean house and a better life for your daughter, and your DH probably can't figure out why this stuff only bothers him. When my adult SS was unemployed and mooching off of us, it drove me CRAZY that my DH didn't want HIS OWN KID to be more than that.
Please stop burying your head in the sand. Your husband is going to get more and more resentful as this behavior continues (trust me, I know!) and might reach a breaking point where he wants to throw your daughter out without notice. Things like this have a tendency to end marriages. You need to sit down with your daughter no find out what her plan is for leaving in 8 months. That is a very short amount of time and she has already wasted so much. And she needs to be held accountable for her messes. Your poor DH should not have to overlook toys and dishes and breastpumps lying around for another 8 months. If you can't get your daughter to clean up, then you need to start doing it. This isn't fair to your DH. You're lucky all he's doing is complaining to you. If it were me, I'd be chucking her stuff in the trash if she couldn't be bother to take care of it.
Wow. OUCH and THANK YOU. I
Wow. OUCH and THANK YOU. I truly appreciate your comments. I have been doing the clean up behind her BTW. I neglected to mention that and you're right...My poor hubby shouldn't have to put up with the behavior OR watch me become totally exhausted from it all which is also part of his frustration.
All of you are right and THANK YOU JustJ for not holding back. I think that your message and the way it was delivered...holding nothing back is exactly the way I needed to be told. I think I heard "angels singing" in the background reading your message ...like in the movies where someone realizes something all of a sudden!
"what you chose to put up with from your stepkids has nothing to do with what your DH puts up with from his. Be a better person than someone who plays tit for tat games." I agree with this as well....I never thought it that way. Thank you
"DH probably can't figure out why this stuff only bothers him." - You are absolutely right about this as well!
Many thanks for being so blunt and to the point. I sincerely appreciate it. If you reloaded your gun, keep shooting because your bullets are giving me courage!
Your daughter is not "getting
Your daughter is not "getting back on her feet" - she just sitting on her lazy ass.
PWT, it sounds like you are a
PWT, it sounds like you are a caring mother and loving and concerned grandma. You and DH agreed to help her for a year but now his *patience is wearing thin* due to your daughters inaction in the situation she created. She is your daughter so you ideally need to be the one to deal w/her behavior. Make her clean up after herself and her child and have her dry and put her breast pump away.
What steps are being taken to help her be more independent w/her child? Has she applied for subsidized housing? What about food stamps, wic, child care assistance? There are many programs she could tap into that can help her and the baby for years to come.
I personally think intergenerational living can work as long as it's entered into with basic ground rules of respect, personal responsiblity, privacy and the premise that it's a symbiotic relationship rather than one of dependency and extended adolescence. You have so many options of how to help your daughter; she could get a place nearby and you could still help babysit. Instead of having her physically living w/you you can financially help her w/her own place. Watch the baby while she goes out and applies for assistance.
A coworker of mine has her daughter, Son in law and their kids living w/her. They jerryrigged the house with a thin temporary wall to make a small apt for the family. The family has their own entrance, they pay rent, their share of utilities and for the most part everyone has their space and privacy. My coworker is thrilled because the kids help her pay the mortgage and she has easy access to gkids when she wants.
Also have you considered that you daughter may have never really wanted to be a parent? It sounds like she hooked up w/a guy who really didn't want kids.
Thank you for seeing that I
Thank you for seeing that I am in fact a very caring Mother/Glamma. There are many programs but she has to be in this area for a year to qualify. This was discussed on the trip down here when we picked her up. Mainly because we wanted her to register as a resident so that the time would start immediately even if she decided to go back to her city. That has not happened.
When our 19 year old moved out, the upstairs became available with a bedroom, bathroom, game room and media room now empty. We are in the process of moving her upstairs but have painters up there now. This will allow them their own space and I am hopeful that this will allow her the opportunity to get a schedule down for her and the baby and see it as living on their own.
I have thought many times that although she loves her daughter with all she has, she wasn't ready for this or it was way more work than she thought. However, her daughter is probably the best baby I have ever seen in my life. She is so good!
Gosh, you are in a difficult
Gosh, you are in a difficult situation for sure. We are mothers so no matter how old our kids get, we want to jump in and make their lives easier and do whatever we can for them. It is such a slippery slope to enabling them. I can definitely understand why you want your daughter and grandchild to be in the same city. What about her getting a small apartment near where you live? At least you can help out at times if she needs a babysitter and at the same time she has the space to be the grown adult and Mother that she needs to be? I understand your fear, my daughter does not cope well with stress and the hardest thing for me is to stand back and let her make decisions and handle the daily stress that life throws up. We cannot cocoon them in a protective cushion. And your DH does deserve the empty nest that he thought he was going to get. As do you! As others have said here, you must allow your daughter to be independent. Certainly not expecting you to pick up after her and the baby. I don't agree that your daughter is automatically lazy, it may be fear of being an adult and especially a mother with all the responsibilities that come with that as a single Mom. I am sure she didn't say at her high school graduation "when I am 31 my goal is to be a single mother living at home with my parents"
She is probably as scared as you are. She is in her comfort zone at home with you and your DH, and kind-of passing over the role of the child's mother to you. A conversation between the two of you is the right idea. And a gentle pushing out of the nest.
Your daughter needs to find a
Your daughter needs to find a babysitter for the kid during the day then go out and get a job or go to school for a pharmacy tech certificate or something.
At 31 she is yanking this
At 31 she is yanking this chain???? OH no I am sorry
Not to be mean to you but please step back and think about what you have allowed to happen by giving her your home as her new spot. What is YOUR goal. What is her out date?
Personally we would not stand for it if she were MY own bio is at age 21 much less at 31. Oh no no no. FYI we are Grandparents too---The Grandparent words sounds old
Are you going to allow her to continue to live in your home? It is not doing her any favors. I could see 1 month tops IN an emergency.
Give her Social Services phone number and address in your town and her old city. 2 options for her..so SHE can get assistance for reduced housing, day care, food stamps AND WIC and welfare. AND she can find a job too. Even if she is a waitress she should make 500 to 600 a week cash. They will also chime in and find dad if he not already paying child support.
She may say "your putting your grandchild on the streets or something awful like that".........no your not, you gave her Social Services phone number to help her find housing. OR she might say----don't you LOVE your grandchild????....EYE BALL ROLL PLEASE
We have no problem babysitting our Grandchild BUT there is a begin time and an end time. No over nights yet because of the age. Our Grandchild is still in diapers and yes like yours---running around and a handful. I LOVE, WE love our Grandchild but if we wanted to revert back to this stage we would have had a child of our own.
Don't fall for her attempt to make you feel like crap. You have been more than generous. You could offer to pay First months light bill OR 1months rent to help her "get on her feet' but if she qualifies for assistance she may also get reduced electric fees too.
After our Grandchild was born maybe age 1, and overnight request was asked of us which we declined again because of the age. WELL my bio tried to pull "Oh so you don't want to spend time with babygoat" I quickly fixed that. I told them, we will have babygoat overnight when babygoat is older. IN THE MEAN TIME I said do not ever attempt to play that game of "OH so you don't want to see babygoat" when we decline because I will tell you now WE will not play. They know we mean business and they did apologize.
SNAP
I hear adult kids pull that junk with their parents often and the Grandparents fall for it hook line and sinker. Then of course we also have friends do DO NOT.
It's UP to you OP...really it is. Grandkids are to have fun with not to be a problem in your home or marriage.
GO to MOMS place when she gets one then you have a way to leave
REMEMBER start and end time works like a charm. NO wiggle room either
GOOD LUCK
You talk about your daughter
You talk about your daughter as thought she's quite young but at 31 she's a fully grown women - or at least should be acting like one. I don't understand why you can't just talk to her and set some ground rules? It also sounds like you're enabling her helplessness which will have negative consequences for you both as she won't learn to become independent and you will be stuck with her for a lot longer than 12 months.
I'm sorry your DH allowed his kids to be so rude to you, that's wrong and he shouldn't have done that and you shouldn't have tolerated it. However, what's happening now is wrong as well. Your daughter is acting like a teenager and needs to grow up and it's up to you to make sure that happens.
"WELL my bio tried to pull
"WELL my bio tried to pull "Oh so you don't want to spend time with babygoat"
SS32's GF pulled the "grandchild needs someone who will be in his life to support him so if you can't be there at our beck and call, you cannot see him" card - when the baby was 18 months old. Posted it all over FB and attacked DH. Her mother keeps him virtually every weekend - as these two drunks need time to go "party". Since DH wasn't providing similar childcare even though he is retired - he was deemed to be severely deficient in being a GP.
DH probably sees the child once a week - but not at our home. What royally P*ssed me off was how much my mother ADORED her only grandchild who lived 1200 miles away. She rarely got to see him more than once or twice a year - but she loved him with every molecule of her being. Loving a grandchild is not dependent on how much time one spends rearing that child.
SS and the GF just want someone to raise their little crotch nugget so they don't have to spend time doing it. And they were also furious that DH wouldn't force me to let them use my vacation homes or other assets. (like that would ever happen).
Fortunately DH does not fall for any of this crap. He was quite open about telling SS that this was his child to raise and that he was not going to step up to accepting parenting responsibilities. He was quite clear that he was the Grandfather NOT the father.
My DH and I are older. We both came from families where our grandparents literally were still having babies when their grandchildren were born. (That's what happened before BC). A grandmother who was pregnant with her 10th child had no extra resources nor any inclination to go gaga over grandchildren and take them under her wing. She was still raising her own babies.
Notasm, you hit it the bulls
Notasm, you hit it the bulls eye. ^^^^^^
It happened in my very own family.