Stepdaughter endangering little sisters
I need advice for dealing with my 14 year old stepdaughter's behavior toward her half sisters (ages 4 and 1). For example, I don't feel the SD is responsible enough to babysit. To "prove me wrong," my husband left the baby (then 10 months) with her while I was upstairs with the 4 year old. In the less than 2 minutes she was with her, SD left the baby on the couch and left the room and the baby fell on her head. When I said something to my husband, he got mad at me. Another more recent event was my SD going upstairs and leaving the baby gate open. Even my 4 year old closes it behind her. By the time I figured it out, the baby (then 13 months) was halfway up the stairs and could have been seriously injured by falling to the hardwood floor. Most recent (and most frustrating) event arises from a long series of problems. Over past two years SD has left hair straightener plugged in, sometimes on and often next to the bathroom sink. I don't let 4 year old share bathroom with SD, in part because of this, but she does have access and doesn't understand that the hair straightener could burn her. SD was given at least 20 chances to rectify her behavior (unplug straightener and put it in her room). After much conflict with my husband and SD, he FINALLY banned the hair straightener. Last night I found a curling iron plugged in next to the sink. I don't look for problems, she left the light on and I was turning it off. My mother thinks SD's behavior is deliberate, and I am so worried something will happen to one of my little ones. I have told my husband I don't want them to have permanent scars (from burns) because of SD's lack of responsibility, but he thinks I am blowing things out of proportion. His way to deal with the situation is to ignore it, which is hard when I won't do that. Help!
Oh I get it the your picking on my kid..
Well are the 4 and 1 year old his kids as well? Well where is his thoughts on there well being? Obviously he is overly protecting 14 yr old because poor her, her parents are divorced? So ask him whose fault is it that they are divorced, is it yours, your childrens or is his and the BM. Tell him that you are done, ban her from the bathroom? If she is 14 and cannot shut a baby gate, um there is an issue. ANd if she is not responsible now, when she is 16 will she be with a car? With her life? Don't think so. Tell him that as far as your children go because obviously he doesn't care about the two that he brought into the world with you, that they are your main focus from now on and that you will enforce punishment to make sure your children are in a safe environment at all times.
If he doesn't like that then there is the door? Chances are he will straighten up..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
Funny you should say that.
Funny you should say that. When this situation first started escalating, I met with our pastor (because I needed someone objective to talk to). He said it sounded like my husband was treating the SD like his primary child and our two children like his secondary children. And that is totally true! Last week it was take SD clothes shopping Monday, take SD school shopping Tuesday, take SD to volleyball meeting Wednesday (even though husband was supposed to be working that evening), work Thursday evening, take SD to meet bio-mom Friday. So when do you think my kids and I saw him? But he is very bad at taking ultimatums (cut off his nose to spite his face kind of person), so I have to find a roundabout way to get him to see my point of view. Any ideas? I totally agree with your comment that I must act to safeguard the safety of my children.
Yes, make an appointment
Yes, make an appointment with your pastor for you and your husband to talk to him regarding these issues. Maybe if he hears it from an unbiased person he will then see how he is treating his children differently.
Thanks for the advice. We
Thanks for the advice. We did that, and after hearing everything that was going on our pastor admitted that it was beyond his ability to help us. He referred us to a counselor, and we went. Things got worse, then a bit better, but it was just everyone biding their time until SD went to her bio-mom's house for the summer. Now that she is back for school, it has begun again. I told him I don't think I can take four more years of this. Am I being unreasonable in my expectations of a 14 year old, as he believes? Should I just ignore the dangerous situations and try to keep my kids safe? They love their father, and when the SD is not around he is a completely different person, attentive to us and easy to get along with. He has mentioned maybe letting SD go live with her mom full time, but she says if she lives with her mom she won't come to see him on weekends (current arrangement is live with us, see mom on every weekend but one a month). I know she's threatening him to get him to back down, but he sees it as "losing her." He told the counselor he had a good relationship with her, but anyone who sees them together will tell you she uses him.
I'm torn on this one.
First of all your SD is 14 which is a very selfish, very self absorbed age. My SD is 13 and she has to be the most forgetful child I have ever met. It doesn't help that DH has never given her consequences I'm sure as my son was very similar but in order for me to get him to understand that he needs to "remember" more I always gave consequences or made him earn things. In SD's case, she has always been excused as a ding dong... and she is. Really. Just for example: maybe she is going for a sleepover, she packs a bag, carries it downstairs, has to go get *something* then starts out the door without her bag... it's constant lil things like that. She's been somewhat diagnosed ADD but not officially tested and I always wondered if she should be? Not my place to keep pushing it if neither parent feels it is important enough tho.
But, I read your post and see the straigtening iron issue... same here. Not only that, but razors in the shower... I have an 8 y/o daughter who wants nothing more than to be just like her "big sis"... I have asked repeatedly, please keep your razor UP HIGH. Yes, I should and do tell my daughter she can NOT shave yet, but she uses that shower too and it's right there and she's an impressionable 8 y/o lil girl KWIM? Just put the razor where she can't reach it, that's all I ask... but it doesn't happen.
I have to say in my case at least, it's not on purpose, it's pure carelessness, laziness and a lil "ding dong" thrown in. She doesn't MEAN to be so forgetful and she gets upset when I jokingly get on her bout being a "ding dong"... my point is I think it may somewhat be age and normal teenage "it's all about ME" and not THINKING... just a thought?
It is what it is...
That's where I'm torn. I
That's where I'm torn. I WANT to attribute it to being self-absorbed and forgetful, but SD has a spiteful streak and is definitely jealous of her siblings. I have given up on parenting SD because no one (husband, SD, bio-mom) wants me to. Frustrating, but just the way it is. My concern is the safety of my two small children. At age 4, my daughter shouldn't have to be more responsible for her safety than the 14 year old is. I can't say, "See this really shiny round thing with the cord? Never touch it." Because as soon as I draw her attention to it, that's all she'll want to do. I would like for her to be able to use that bathroom as well, and the frustration is that the SD doesn't get any better about the situation despite repeated warnings. Advice?