This is my first post here, although I’ve been lurking here and picking up invaluable info that has tremendously helped me deal with being a SM. If I mess up on my acronyms, let me know. LOL Anyway, I met this great guy with—you guessed it—a KID. She was four when I met him and we’ve been together for three years.
I’ll call him my DH, although we’re not married but live together. Anyway, almost ten years ago, he lost his sight due to an accident, and BM whored around on him and left him with a baby shortly thereafter. He pretty much raised the little girl with help from his mom (who is a psycho, tried to kill herself several times—manipulative, self-centered, etc.), who stepped in every time he tried to later discipline this child. So, I come along and he’s now the father of a very spoiled four year old.
Wisely, he kept her at his mom’s house while we were dating (RED FLAG I DIDN’T SEE), and I—not having or wanting any children of my own—was rather naïve about the whole thing.
So, we move in together and he has primary custody of the kid and the next few years are all a real wakeup call for me how manipulative a SD4,5, 6, now 7 year old can be. Actually, I started getting smart at 6 when I found this site.
BM was all about fun with the guy she ran off with and only had SD one night a week and every other weekend. And usually on the weekends, she’d drop SD off at grandmas. She basically accepted no responsibility for the SD since DH’s mom stepped in every time and did everything.
Once the illusion of being the perfect SM wore off, I disengaged. Which was difficult to do after being so involved because it was a real shocker to both DH and SD. But I was tired of being taken advantage of and resented the fact that so much of my time was involved when BM was off running around doing whatever the hell she felt like doing.
I basically put all the responsibility of raising his kid (now SD7) on him, changed my phone number so BM couldn’t text or call me, told her I wasn’t interested in raising her kid for her, and ignored all of her arguments, demands and insults. She had a really hard time accepting the fact that I wasn’t “on board” and called me selfish. Ha!
Of course, SD’s behavioral issues show up in school, and it finally sinks into everyone’s head that I am not going to step up to the plate and spend hours with her on her homework every night. DH can’t do it because he’s blind. So, BM steps up and decides to be SuperMom, and they make a verbal agreement (until court next month to modify the CO) that she will have SD7 all week, and we alternate weekends. The responsibility has been a real wake-up call for her and her new hubby—as you can guess, their honeymoon is over. She sent me several resentful e-mails making demands on my time and I responded in a technical writing style that, according to Family Law, Statute ###, it is not my responsibility. Thanks again to StepTalk for helping me figure this stuff out!
Like I said, we’re in court next month as she’s going after primary custody (fine with DH and myself—he’s back in school and says it’s her turn to take care of SD for awhile), and she’s asking for child support. She never paid a penny when he had primary custody. Although he’s on disability, he doesn’t mind paying child support, but she doesn’t realize she isn’t going to get much because he’s on SS disability. She doesn’t realize either that the money she gets from him isn’t going to cover child care while he’s at work, health insurance (SD will lose her Medicare), and all the other expenses of raising a kid. I actually think she initiated all this before she realized that she couldn’t get a dime out of me. Another thing she may not realize is that she is going to have to be responsible for all the pickup/dropoff of SD7 since DH can’t drive. And I made sure to tell our attorney that I do not want to be mentioned on the new CO as a third party or any other way. I’m trying to think about parameter times on the CO so BM doesn’t just show up any damn time she feels like it—which will be early to drop off SD7 and late to pick up. I’m trying to think of anything important that needs to be in the new CO so we don’t have to go though more drama and back to court.
I’m fortunate that DH is very supportive of my position and in turn, I’m also very supportive of him going back to school and anything else he does.
But thanks everyone for helping me get my life back and giving me some knowledge of my legal and personal rights. Not to mention figuring out that I don’t have to feel guilty for not loving a child "like she was my own!"