Not accepting step son
I’m hoping a community based on step parenting will help. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about 2+ years. The relationship is good between us. But it was really early on I told her I knew where this relationship would lead if we continued and I just didn’t think I accept living with another child when I only got to see my kid half the time. It’s been some time since then, many fights, many near break ups. But the same voice inside me finds reasons to not like her kid. And yes he is difficult. My s/o recognizes that her parenting techniques needed to be adjusted and things have gotten better. But something inside just doesn’t care for him. I put a lot of time and effort into raising my boy. I’m proud of his kind demeanor, his selflessness and politeness. But I just got to her kid too late and even though he’s gotten better he just still irritates me. Some morning when I do sleep over there I’m cold towards him. When he’s doing something I’m not gonna lie I hope he fails at it, or trips or anything else.
Currently we’ve talked about moving in and having a baby together. And I just don’t know. I don’t think I could handle it day in and day out. I don’t have to get loud or angry with my kid. I can talk it out. Or at most just give him a deeper voice and a stern look. But her kid doesn’t care. Purposely does the opposite you ask, talks over you. Constantly Trying to say how good or fast or anything in comparison to my kid. Always talking about how he won’t share bc they are all his toys, always wants everything for himself.
I’ve gone to a therapist who basically said if your truth is you can only have your kid in your house, there’s. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not for you. And I agree. But I’m looking for any words or a different approach on how to view this. Because without something quick, we’re done.
You are an adult and you have
You are an adult and you have choices. You can choose to accept your Skid. You can choose to have a child with your SO. you can choose to integrate your child into a blended family.
IMHO giving up your own happiness out of making your life into some misplassed kid focused prison is not healthy for either you or your child.
Model a healthy adult relationship for your child. Model a strong family experience when your child is with you. Live your life and integrate your child into a blended family.
At least that is my recommendation.
Rejecting your SO's kid is punishing her and by punishing her you are punishing yourself. You can parent your Skid by establishing household standards of behavior and enforcing those. Having your SO's back as she has yours. This sets the example of a viable family for your child, her child and any children you have together.
IMHO of course.
Based on what you've said, I
Based on what you've said, I think you'd be doing yourself, your girlfriend and her son a favor by ending the relationship. You have had reservations about living with her son and accepting her son from the beginning, and your feelings haven't changed in two years. I give you props for being so self aware, but it's probably time to act on what you know and have known and not waste everyone's time in a relationship that can't succeed if you're not willing to accept your girlfriend's son.
This.
This.
Yes, if I knew what was
Yes, if I knew what was coming, I would have probably backed out myself.
That being said, it's non-acceptance isn't destined for failure. It's destined for self induced misery 25% of the time, but not failure.
My wife and I do argue about her daughter, and it's driven me further out, BUT, most days are 100% fine. I don't HATE the kid, and the kid doesn't HATE me either. We co-exist, and don't interact with one another. She has her own father, and my child has me as a father. One day a weekend, my wife, myself, and our child go to dinner, while the stepdaughter is either with her father for supervised visitation or she stays with relatives, who she see's as a second father. It's nice to be out that way. The wife will take her daughter to do things occassionally alone, and during those times, I usually take my child out to do special things alone as well.
It's not what people call "ideal", but it's ideal for me, and it's functional. My wife and I, even after years of marriage, are crazy about eachother, and while the arguements are intense, we're both entrenched in our positions, and it's not something we're willing to leave eachother over. So it can work, but in hindsight, I'd have probably went after a woman without a child.
If this is how you feel
If this is how you feel, "When he’s doing something I’m not gonna lie I hope he fails at it, or trips or anything else," then you need to the end the relationship. It is not fair to the child or his mother for him to grow up with someone who feels this way about him. And you are never going to be truly happy in the relationship.
I’m in this camp - I get why
I’m in this camp - I get why you have these feelings towards him after reading your initial post (your son sounds kind, her’s does not & sounds like he has a huge chip). Additionally do you want to have your kid live with this kid?
I bet that
it's your *girlfriend* talking about having a baby and moving in together. Sad that she doesn't see that would be derimental to her son. I'm not a kid person, although like you I'm extremely proud of my own and love them to absolute death. And like you, I've met kids that I just didn't like. It's not fair to them, and it's probably bad parenting at the core, but it is what it is. I don't think you should move in with her, and make sure you supply your own birth conrol.