Lost!
Hi
I'm very new to all this, and would really appreciate some advice. My b/f and I have only been together for 9 months, with a 3 month break in that. He has 3 children twin daughters aged 14 and a son aged 8. I have no children. At the moment we have our own places but plan to move in together in October when our leases expire.
I've met his son and stayed over some weekends when he's been there and everything seems quite relaxed and we're slowly getting to know each other. However, its such a balancing act to not appear dis-interested or being too interested!
His daughters have said that they do not want to meet me, and as a result when I am staying at his place they refuse to see him if I am there. I've respected their wishes and stayed away so they could all spend time together, however I worry how things will pan out when we do move in together properly.
He says he wants me to feel like his place is my home too, and as a result I have said that I will be staying over at weekends whether the girls are visting or not. This would be on Saturday evenings and Sundays, so they will stil have Friday nights and Saturday all day to have time together. I'm hoping this is laying the foundations for October.
My biggest worry is that when we move in together his daughters will refuse to see him. He says if he mentions me they won't answer, and they seem to deny my existence.
On top of this I am wrestling with my own emotions. I am 33 years old, and often think about whether I want children of my own. He is 10 years older than me and had a vascetomy after his son was born. He said he would have it reversed but I have to face the fact that its likely to be difficult to conceive.
I don't know anyone else in my position, and really need some advice from anyone who's been through or is going through the same.
Many Thanks
I think these girls are
I think these girls are calling the shots. You really need to address the situation before you move in, don't expect it to get better later. Read some of the posts here, you are truely in the beginning and the issues will only get deeper. You are at a crucial point of setting the standard for the rest of your interactions with these children.
I regret keeping quiet and not expecting communication about the problems upfront, they only get worse.
If dad allows them to act this way now he almost certainly will allow it to continue.
I'm sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear. If you are serious about his man you'll want to iron this out now. If you have doubts then maybe this is a red flag you don't want to ignore.
I would do anything for my DH, he is my soul mate, my best friend. But being a step parent, especially with a parent who doesn't parent is HARD !!
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I said to him last week that from now on I will be at the house at weekends and if the girls don't like it then you need to deal with it. I've told him that he needs to tell them that we are going to move in together too. Do you think this the right way?
Do you think he needs to force the issue about meeting me? My concern is then it will create resentment. I don't care if they don't want to meet me, it will make his life difficult because he'll be the one having to see them on neutral territory.
I don't think it comes down
I don't think it comes down to him forcing them to meet you. I think it comes down to him enforcing visitation...even when you're there. That way, it's not about you. It's about what is ordered by the law. That keeps you from being quite so open to being labeled the bad guy. Teenagers are selfish people. (My SD is 13 & SS is 16.) They find a reason to be angry about something regardless. In my opinion, being a teenager is an ugly thing. I don't wish those years on anyone. This is going to be a difficult adjustment for them to make.
I agree 100%
I agree 100%
"On top of this I am
"On top of this I am wrestling with my own emotions. I am 33 years old, and often think about whether I want children of my own. He is 10 years older than me and had a vascetomy after his son was born. He said he would have it reversed but I have to face the fact that its likely to be difficult to conceive."
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I was there. I am 34. DH is 42. He had a vasectomy after SD13 was born. He said he would love to have kids with me, however, for the cost & knowing that the longer you wait to have a reversal done, I know that the chances of it working are slim to none. I spent a lot of time in thought trying to decide if the need to have my own children was strong enough to give up a life with my DH. His kids didn't take well to me, but their mother wasn't in the picture then. They needed a mother-figure. I could be that for them, & they could fill my need to mother & nurture. I decided that was enough for me. You may not feel that way. Only you can decide.
Of course, as things tend to do, that idea backfired on me. BM came back. Skids believe she has rescued them from a life of doom with DH & I, & we don't see them anymore. I feel that void in my life again. I have decided, though, that I can still love them in my heart & I can still have the same concerns for their well-being & safety that a mother would have. In a way, I still have them as an outlet for my feelings.
I wouldn't make plans to move in until you feel more settled with things. Being fair to the kids, 6 months isn't a lot of time for his kids to adjust to you. As far as his daughters saying they won't see him if you're there...does he not have court-ordered visitation? If he does, he needs to enforce it whether you're there or not.
Again, this is very good
Again, this is very good advise and I agree.
Sadly nothing is formally
Sadly nothing is formally organised. He agreed that his son stays every other weekend and one week night every fortnight with BM. They are not yet divorced, she served papers on him but as yet nothing has progressed further. However, the arrangement with the girls was that they would come at the same weekend as his son if they wanted to. They live 5 minutes away from him so its very easy for them. When we move we won't be in the same town, in fact at least 10 miles away so this won't be the case anymore.
I think you are moving too
I think you are moving too fast! For the betterment of all parties involved (including you), you should wait until the divorce is final to move in with him. And watch to see if he establishes visitation w/his daughters on a regular basis. They probably won't see him regardless of you - its part of the power they have b.c. parents are divorcing. Those twins are in charge of the situation anyone can see that. 10 miles is not that far - why do u think its far? Shame on him for not trying to spend time w/ea. child alone too.
"you should wait until the
"you should wait until the divorce is final to move in with him. "
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I would advise this as well. DH had been separated for 5 years before his divorce was final. I moved in 2 years before it was final. In the time I've spent pondering my skids & why they are the way they are...why they feel & act the way they do...I attribute A LOT to the fact that we sent a poor message by me living with DH while he was still married. In learning by example, we taught them that you should be married to one woman but live with another. It truly was a poor & damaging choice on our part.
Thanks for everyone's
Thanks for everyone's replies. We've decided not to move in together till at least his divorce is through, and actually its quite a relief. We had a talk about this situation with the girls, as we are still in a stalemate. He's scared they will refuse to visit if he says they must meet me and I say they have to accept the new situation. Anyone have any advice on how to do this? Do we force them to meet me?
Thanks again
I have mixed feelings. If you
I have mixed feelings. If you had been dating a long time and are fixing to get married then I would understand your point. The skids should respect you. However...you haven't been dating long, you haven't gotten to kmow his girls (which will always be a major part of his life), their dad isn't divorced yet... The girls are older so prob unsure of how long you'll actually be around. So why should they get to know you? For all they know you'll be gone next month. If it's a serious relationship you need to take the time to get to know them...slowly. Let their dad spend his visitation with them only. Why do you have to be there? Give the girls their time with their dad...right now you are just the girlfriend. Then when the girls are more receptive of listening to their dad about you then little steps should be taken to get you more involved. I tend to think when kids are involved then the rules of dating change. I also believe a wife is different than a girlfriend. If you really want to be with this man then you'll take the time to develop these relationships slowly. Now, whether you really want to be with him...