I feel hateful, alone... and like nobody can really relate.
Hello everyone... Here is my story: I have been married for almost 2 years now. My husband and I have a 17 month old daughter and daughter #2 is due in 4 weeks... Also, my husband has a son from a previous relationship, stepson is 5.
First of all, can someone teach me the acronyms? BM,SD, etc... I cannot figure them all out lol.
Ok, now to the story. I feel like I should have never become a stepmom. My stepson drives me insane and so does his mother. My stepson is literally a manipulator because too many people have made him feel as though his situation is uncommon and hard to adapt to. His grandmother, my mother in law, is by far the worst contributor to him believing that the world owes him. He is FIVE... I have made it a point from day one that rules are rules, they are ALWAYS in place and they have the same consequences... time outs, whoop dee doo. The worst punishment is time out in your bedroom... That is about as tough as I get, but sometimes I feel like I could be pushed over the edge. GOD, I hate feeling this way... and it never goes away!! 
Anyhow, with the same rules in place, they get broken intentionally with different people bc he feels like he might not get into trouble ... Again, gramma is the worst. When he gets in trouble when she is around, she picks him up and tells him it is ok!! Heeelllllooooo!! It is NOT ok to manipulate your parents and/or stepparents. And gramma, stay OUT of that line of fire - you only make matters worse.
I am SICK and TIRED of his behavior. He FREAKS out when his baby sister comes to play with him and his toys... to the point where he will knock her over or yell at her, etc. Sometimes he does play well with her, but not sincerely... I am pretty sure he is jealous of her... I dont know. I do not know how any of this stepparenting stuff is supposed to work.
What the hell do I do? I love my husband. If I was to give up, then my daughters would have stepparents and I feel like that would put me in a mental home... uggggggh wth.
SS = stepson SD =
SS = stepson
SD = stepdaughter
BM = husbands ex/birthmother
MIL = Mother in law
DH = dear husband
SO = significant other
Hi & welcome! Acronyms can be
Hi & welcome!
Acronyms can be found in the FAQ's but they're-
What do the abbreviations mean?
Here are just a few (for now):
* sm = stepmother
* sd = stepdad
* bm = biological mother
* bf = usually biological father but every now and then some use for boyfriend
* sd = step daughter
* ss = step son
* bs = biological son
* bd = biological daughter
* dw = darling wife
* dh = darling husband
* dd = darling daughter
* ds = darling son
* poa = power of attorney
* cs = child support
* mil = mother-in-law
* fil = father-in-law
* pas = Parental Alienation Syndrome
How does your DH deal with your SS's behavior (aside from the time-outs)? I'd say that the two of you need to get on the same sheet of paper, so-to-speak...otherwise things will get even worse.
I agree. You and DH MUST
I agree. You and DH MUST formulate an agreed plan on how to address ss behaviour while in your prescence and your home.
As you havent stated how your DH reacts to ss's behaviour and the coddling enabling by MIL, I am assuming he is somewhat in agreement with you but doesnt go the whole way he should in terms of parenting. I would therefore concentrate on your concerns of his relationships with his sisters and his wellbeing, rather than the impact his behaviour is having on your homelife and you yourself (I am sure he is extremely challenging to deal with).
I know how difficult it is to manage a child who is cossetted by everyone and what an uphill struggle it is to address this when his mother has him mostly(?) and undoes much of your parenting of him, however you have to concentrate on what you CAN control and address - and that would be while he is with you and your girls.
If you come from that POV I am sure DH would react more favourably.
So anything that is agreed upon HAS to be implemented while his gramma is around - picking him up and reassuring him while he is being punished/disciplined is undermining you and blowing smoke up ss's arse, empowering him to continue with his self entitlement.
I think sibing jealousy is really normal and common, hell I was jealous of my brother and always thought my parents loved him more. They didnt, it was in my head. On top of this though, your ss doesnt live with dad 24/7 and yet his sisters do, that has to be hard to swallow and at 5 he acts out in order to express these negative emotions. That said, allowing it is only going to make him worse and while you can address things calmly with him when he refuses to share e.g. "well ss is you wont share with DD, then you dont get to share her toys/treats either..." and when he tries to do exactly this, prevent him, reminding him of what he does and what has been said. If he continues then, he gets things taken away, if he hits his sister then he gets time out and toys taken off of him/treats cancelled/no dessert or cartoons/going out to play.
At the same time, its important to build his security in your family in a positive manner - so when you sell this to DH you can also concentrate equally on the fact you want to ensure you REWARD and encourage good behaviour in hand with discipline. So a reward chart would be really good, outlining small chores he can do e.g. dressing, making his bed (as much as he can at 5), brushing his teeth, washing face, tidying toys away, sleeping through night, helping set table/cook, helping you and DH, and then his behaviour - sharing with sisters, not hitting/smacking, listening to you and DH...things you are having trouble with. Then when he does these things, he gets a gold star/sticker next to completed behaviour/chore and when he completes them all for that day he gets a fun reward e.g. playing ball with DH, cooking cakes with you, painting for half hour, going to the park for an hour, playing computer for half hour, a chocolate treat...it doesnt have to be money orientated, just things he likes. I find quality time with them tends to be the most rewarding for them.
"I agree. You and DH MUST
"I agree. You and DH MUST formulate an agreed plan on how to address ss behaviour while in your prescence and your home."
This!
Omg wow!! You people are
Omg wow!! You people are seriously wonderful!! I promise to fully reply when dh and ss go to bed. The suggestions and information you all have already shared is making me so thankful that I joined this site. Ill write more later tonight, but for now its family time.
The little ones I watch are
The little ones I watch are nearly 5 and 18 months (so similar ages), and the older one CERTAINLY plays sincerely and nicely with the younger one. He would NEVER push his little brother, and if he did, his ass would be in the corner so fast his head would spin.
OP (that's original poster--who started the topic)-I taught the older one (who is a difficult child)to say things like "I'm frustrated with baby," or "I want to play by myself right now," so it gives him tools not to physically act out.
Hi again! Ok first, thanks
Hi again! Ok first, thanks for the abbreviation help, LOL!!
I read over the replies to my OP and and took notes on what I need to be more clear on, what I agree with, ETC... SO, this will end up being a long post and I appreciate in advance any advice or support you all have to offer with this difficult situation...
1. Me and DH being on the same page with rules. Yes, he fully understands where I am coming from and agrees that discipline should be taken seriously and taught to all children. Now don't get me wrong, my feelings sometimes as a stepmother, I can get out of line when arguing with DH about SS. Even when I know that I am overboard or wrong, for some reason I feel the need to push harder... I feel like that comes from the fact that I am so over this stepfamily life that I live being SO disorganized and overwhelming... It is like I get to the point where I just want out and so I say things spitefully and hurt DH's feelings. I hate HATE HATE that about myself.
2. How does DH react to MIL coddling?? Well... sometimes he adresses the situation and other times he does not. That gets under my skin so badly because I feel that 100% consistency 100% of the time is crucial to curing so many issues. I end up complaining to DH sooooooo often over MIL and how she handles SS and his behavior. She puts him in the pity category where she feels the need to over-do it with him and just do nothing but coddle him and show him 100% of her attention even when his sister is roaming around requiring supervision (she is a baby for goodness sakes!! LOL). I feel like she resents me for trying hard to improve his behavior and help him grow up. In my house, I am the bad cop.. DH is the good cop... This is how it is with both children and it will be with daughter 2 when she comes. Trust me, I do NOT expect perfect kids but I DO expect to have GOOD kids... Not having SS a lot is hard too b/c then everything fun that we do with our daughter when he is not with us ends up being criticized as if we planned to intentionally not include him. I HATE that!! We cannot just lay around at home and only do fun family things in the little time that we have SS here. That is not fair to our daughter.
3. BM does have SS majority of the time... and yes, she does undo what we accomplish. She even goes as far as to tell him that his last name is the same as his SD and not his BF!!!! My husband and I have recently dished out a large amount of $$ to attack this in court as it is REALLLLLLY going to mess him up mentally being told two different things by the two that matter the most - MOMMY AND DADDY!! It breaks my heart that BM puts her own nasty feelings before SS. If she put his feelings first, she would not keep him from us and bad mouth us. Oh, she also reminds him constantly to tell ME when he gets into trouble that "I am not his mother!!!". Really, trust me I know... If I were your mother, you would have friends and be respectful to others!!!!!
4. I LOVE the idea of the reward chart focusing on behavior and chores! That is brilliant!! I have brought the idea to DH's attention in the past, as it was referred to me by a friend. I got laughed at by DH as if the idea was insufficient and pointless. Also, I am concerend that the chart would not be completed consistently. Knowing my SS very well (I think), I really believe that this would help him tremendously!! Personally, my goals with children are to reward positive actions and behavior and to discipline or correct negative behavior and actions. Anyway, back to the chart - I think that being able to show him his progress and areas needing improvement on a daily basis would better help him understand our expectations as well as show him that we DO pay VERY close attention to him. With that being said, I want this to work. I want to be happy. I want ALL of us to be happy. If necessary, I will maintain the chart on my own bc I truly believe it will make a large positive impact on him and his issues.
5. Quality time - I agree it is very important. However, in SS case, he demands everyone watch him and what he is playing with or doing at all times... if that does not happen he either pouts/whines OR does something terrible to "make us see" that we need to watch him non-stop... I do not mean watch him like he is in the same house but playing in the other room, I mean watch him like he will go wacko if you do not see everything he does. We are always all together in the same room (minus bathroom and bedroom) at the same time. We have never been the types to go sending kids off to wherever to play and we'll check in later... (Except time outs that are spent in bed). Is this behavior ok for him? Should he have the right to expect that we stare him down constantly?? I am thinking that since he is not an only child, he should be sharing the stage... :/
6. "well-meaning adults" - I agree that those insane people that coddle and smother children constantly are hurting those kids by not allowing them to develop strength and independence skills... With the exception of painful injuries, I feel that children should be welcomed into learning how to handle things on their own before running to parents for comfort. I hope I said that right...
7. SS being confused of his role in family - ohhhh yes 100% agreed. This boy went from only child with mommy and daddy only to being Big brother to a baby sister AND a baby brother (BM has a baby also) , stepchild to a new stepdad and stepmom.... That is A LOT TO MANAGE in my brain let alone the brain and heart of a young boy. This is where I am the most sympathetic... I want him to understand and know that none of those things happend bc of him... Nobody was trying to replace him or push him away or steal his spotlight... I also think that this is where his anger towards his sister and his selfishness comes from. I think that he feels like now there are so many other spotlights other than him ,that he has to hang on to HIS toys and attention for dear life bc those are the only things at this point that are 100% his... he has to share his mom with new baby brother and new stepdad... and then he comes to our home and has to share his dad with a new baby sister (and another baby sister in a month) and a new stepmom... Does that make sense?
Okkkkkkkkk... that answers all of the replies I wanted to cover from your advice. What I still want/need to know is am I ever going to be able to have a healthy and successful relationship with SS? Will I ever get thru to MIL and make her see that she makes matters worse? I get that she is gramma and grandparents spoil... but not to the extent that she does. She has serious conversations with him about his personal home life with BM and SD. I feel like that is something that should only be shared with BF and maybe me... but allowing him to run back and forth between 2 homes and tell stories of he did this, she said that, I got into trouble for this, I dont have to do that when I am there... that sort of problem is just unacceptable. MIL plays into it tho and makes it worse.. she instigates and makes him more resentful of immediate family by getting into these topics with him.
What did I miss?? Am I leaving out any information?? HELP ME PLEASE!! I love my family and want everyone to be happy, but I am seeing a psychiatrist, reading stepmonster and now blogging on here bc I am to the point where I am ready to say forget all of this B.S.!! and just leave... but then my daughters would be put in the stepparenting drama... omg ... HELP!!!! :/