How did you move past the hurt, anger and resentment?
This summer I finally reached the end of my rope of being the dumped on SM. I have been used and mistreated from the BM, my DH and the stepshits. Probably like all of you here.
I exploded in rage a few months ago after years (7 to be exact) of begging, pleading, trying to reason, getting pissed, etc.
The resentment I have felt over the years has now reared it head a severe hatred for all of them.
I have been very ill the past 5 years. I had two bouts of pneumonia that scarred my lungs so badly that my right lung was stuck together.... collapsed. I have only 37% lung function and I didn't start getting better until 8 months ago.
No one seemed to care. DH takes the stepshits several times extra a month so BM can travel, go to parties and have fun. In 2010 we had them 3 extra months when you counted all the days she couldn't take them for one thing or another.
They all treat me like a slave with 0 compassion for me. If the dog shits on the carpet everyone steps over it. Last year I had to go to the emergency room because I could not breath. The stepshit's dog had shit all over the entry way. I told them to clean it while my sister took me to the ER. They left it there for me to clean when I got back.
They never have chores. They sit or lay every waking moment playing video games only stopping to eat or take a shit. They have no friends. They are disrepctful, make fun or me or what I cook, will not help with groceries, back talk, steal my things, etc., In short they are the most lazy, selfish, entitled ingrates I have ever known. Of course my H never corrects them and DEFENDS their behavior. The youngest Step-shit is 80 lbs overweight. Their wonderful BM who can't stand to have them around also told them they don't have to listen to me or respect me.... so of course they don't.
The ex calls MY house and calls me a whore and a gold-digger and all kinds of good stuff and my H has never once stood up for me. One two occasions he shoved me around or threaten to divorce me if I won't pick up the kids on our days off for his exW. She has used me for years. She just simply wont answer the phone so the school calls DH and he DEMANDS that I go get them, but I started to refuse to last year.
I started counseling because now that I am feeling a bit better and am stronger both physically and emotionally I'm on the verge on leaving. I've lost the 30 lbs I gained from the medicine and am now a size 4 again. I also lift weights 4 times a week which really helps my breathing and how I feel.
My anger and resentment has made me lose respect for my husband. I don't want to have sex with him either.
I threatened to leave after he threatened to divorce me one more time because I wouldn't give the ExW her way. I told him to go ahead and file or I would. I could see in his face it scared him.
He knew he really crossed the line this time and now will do anything it takes to fix us. He even insisted on going to counseling with me.... and he has.
He wants me just to move on. He wants to know why can't I just get over it. But I've hit my end. It was more than I can bare and every time I think about how he treated me like a second class citizen, how not one of them ever cared about my needs and just generally treated me like a maid and like shit, I just start crying or get really, really angry.
I do still love my H and want to get passed this too, but I don't know how.
I have been in full disengagement for 2 weeks and sometimes feel guilty. The only thing I do it pick up the SS15 from school a few times a week. Then I leave to the gym or go shopping.
What did you do to get over the years of injustice of being put last and treated like nothing more than a slave to all of their needs?
You won't. Perhaps in
You won't. Perhaps in counseling you can learn to deal with it so you can continue. I really hope your husband has seen the light. If he starts reverting back I would have to leave. You've simply withstood too much already.
the
the stepshits.
++++++++++++++++
LMBO!! This was as far as I got. lol. Now I will go read the rest.
Yeah, um, I'm not sure I
Yeah, um, I'm not sure I COULD get over that if I were you. I have a ton of resentment and anger for SD14 built up inside me, but DH has been nothing but supportive and reasonable and even he disengaged from her after a bunch of her b.s.
I wish I could say something that would make you feel better or give you some magical advice that would make it all go away. I can't though, and for that I am sorry. All I can do is sympathize
I have often suggested the
I have often suggested the book "emotional blackmail" by susan forward. It will help you figure step and other relationships.
I had it out with my dh recently. I won't live in filth, period.
So sorry about your health
So sorry about your health problems. Disengaging is very powerful. It will enable you to see your step shits as victims, like you, of your husband. Your husband enables (and subconsciously encourages) the step shits behavior. Your step shits are problem children and your husband is the problem.
My God. I could see me being
My God. I could see me being you in a few years (or less). I blew up in June after 3 years of BS. I was becoming constantly resentful and seriously contemplating leaving my Marriage. I found this website at that time and it helped me work out my own form of disengaging which has helped a little. But that doesn't take away the feelings or solve the issue --can't get over or resolve something that's ongoing. DH thought once an immediate situation was over that all was well. He'd agree to counseling but never put up any effort to go. He'd say he was going to do something to resolve an issue, but then not do it. I learned he'd just say stuff to end the discussion, not because he meant it. And he only became sneakier in obeying BM's whims.
So after I came here and ranted earlier this week, I had another talk with him. A very serious one. I flat told him I was not happy, was not going to keep living this way and he didn't have to do a damn thing. He could stay just as he was and I'll do exactly what I need to do for me. I was calm. I was neutral. I was serious. No demands. No threats. Didn't ask him to do a thing. I told him my position only. He vaguely agreed concerning the latest issue that was at hand. (again, just trying to end discussion). I then came up with a plan of what I'm willing to concede related to SS8 and was preparing to share it with him. If he didn't agree with it, I was really prepared to go. Before I could present it, the very next day, he sent me an email telling me he was sorry if he's been blind to things, he loves me and will be making changes in how he deals with BM. He's going to 'put her in her place'. It's just been a few days so I don't know how true it is and it doesn't solve the long term issue of him needing counseling to get to the root of his issues which is what attaches him abnormally to his past. But I'll see how it goes. This is the first effort he's made voluntarily so I'm going to give him time. If it goes South, there's no help for the resentment except to remove myself from the situation causing it.
For all that you've gone though, I am not sure there's anything that will help you. DH may be doing "too little too late" because you are not only at your wit's end, you've initiated your own healing process by getting healthy again, disengaging, moving forward into happiness REGARDLESS of him. If you enjoy that taste of "you" again enough, you'll be less likely to want to go back into your current situation. I mean HE is in counseling but chances are it's too late for the Skids to actually change. Plus there's the BM to deal with-- so what I mean are there are elements beyond you and him that are problematic BECAUSE of him in part, but also because of them and can't fix them. Think she's going to happily step to the side if he tries to put you first? Think those brats are going to start acting like respectful humans because HE is in counseling? What are chances he'd cut them all off if they don't? Probably slim... Chances are you have a Long way to go and a lot more variables to play out before you can start getting over the past (and current) anger and resentment. Keep doing what you are doing now-- getting back to you, going to counseling. If there's a way to fix this, that's it and with time maybe the resentment and his changes, you'll be able to save this. If not, then move on without feeling bad because you've paid your dues and did all you can.
I told them all to f#$%#$%
I told them all to f#$%#$% off and either shape up or get out of my life. It worked.
I could have written this.
I could have written this. THe only thing that would be different if I had is replace the dog poo with spilled soda and food and food wrapppers.