I learned on Thursday that if I lose 10% more lung function I will be in end stage lung failure and will need a lung transplant. I have bronchiostatis from the severe damage the pneumonias caused. I have also walked around with a collapsed middle right lobe since getting sick in 2008.

I have only had breathing problems since 2008 when I had two back to back bouts of pnuemonia.

I got the first bout of pnuemonia from my oldest SS now 18. He used my tooth brush, I found out after I got extremely ill and almost died.

During the past almost 5 years my breathing has been between 30-37%. Yet when the boys are sick with chest colds, even though I've begged H to have them stay at BM and we will make up the time my H insists they come over. He also had me cleaning the entire house because he "didn't want his boys to do it." We just this past week finally hired a cleaning service but it's a little late, donchya think?

What I hate the most is that past 7 years I have been with H and his asshole kids may be among my last. I hate to think that I have spent my last years with people that don't even care that much about me and have gone out of their way to make life miserable. Especially his ExW.

This post is me trying to get my feelings down on paper. I'm still in shock.

If you were to look at me you would have no idea that I am so sick. I still manage to go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I can't do much cardio but I lift pretty heavy weights and it makes me feel better.

I haven't told my marriage counselor yet. I'm sure he will have helpful advice.

I still resent the hell out of my H for putting ma last all of these years and putting me in harms way, knowing I was in fragile health.