He moved out. Now I'm just numb
I didn't wake up yesterday thinking that it would go the way it did.
I knew things were far from good. So many issues with the ex and skids. I lived a life of hell. I could no longer feel at ease when weekends approached, when the phone rang or when a txt came in.
My sanity was slipping away, I could see it when I looked in the mirror. I didn't like the person looking back at me.
He moved out, I said no more. It was not planned for yesterday it just happened. He was surprised and so was I (weird) I love him so much and have for 30 years. But if this is what it takes to smile again or laugh again, then I guess I have no choice.
I did give him an ear full, I laid it all out. Told him how his ex played me, played him etc even let him know how the skid shared in it. This time I know it got thru to him, this time he knew I was washing him out of my life. It all came out and it flowed so well it was like watching from the outside. I could see his world crashing in on him.
Then it got silent, I helped him pack and watched he quietly cry. ( I have never seen him cry over me)
I held strong, I think it was more numb. And before he left he said things I had been so wanting to hear for some time now.
He said he was sorry. He told me how beautiful and smart I was. How proud he was of me, how he loves being with me. Then he said, I know I let you down and I can't tell you how sorry I am, I don't know why I acted the way I did. Why it had to come to this and why I didn't listen.
Gosh, it took every piece of me to avoid the tears I had swelling up in my eyes. I wanted to hear all of that so badly over the last years.
I know he was sincere, I know he meant it, every word and I don't think it was just so I wouldn't make him leave. I could see a changed man, a man who just seen reality. He just lost everything he never knew he wanted till that moment.
He's gone, and I am alone. There is so much weight lifted off my shoulders right now. But I am struggling with the pain I feel in my heart, the lost dreams and the memories that I am surrounded by in this house. I do know it will get better. And for now I am the priority. I need time to mourn and heal. Maybe then I can try and smile without faking it. Or laugh without forcing it.
Blessings to you all
Thank you both so much. I
Thank you both so much. I need so badly to hear words of encouragement. No one ever gets together with someone with the plan to leave broken hearted.
I will repost this into my blog. As much as I love having this place to come to, I wish we all never needed it.
DO, I too have been wanting for some time now to do things for others. I know for me it helps to see the bigger picture when I give my time, and myself.
For Halloween I took my son to a Rehabilitation center for all ages and a nursing home. At first he was a bit scared and then he realized how much more fun it was to go visit those who are hurt (in some form) than to make it all about the candy.
We signed up to be volunteers, ironically I guess you can call us step-family to them. All they need to feel needed and they want to feel wanted. Just as we do. I wish more people were like you. I am sorry that you are going down the same road as I am on. There are to many of us that's for sure.
Take care and Thank you for your kind words.