Emotions are all over the place
Well I really like to journal, so posting a blog about all of this seems like a good step in the right direction.
I feel... numb. Entirely numb
I finally blurted out to my SO that I am suffocating. I feel like I am just gasping for breath every day to the point where I literally have dreams at night of drowning. I have dreams of drowning. I also have pleasant dreams that I'm married to someone who is childless. Also, really warped and vivid nightmares that come along with stress, and my generalized anxiety and depression.
I feel like the most bitter person on the planet. I told him that it feels like all the lights went out inside of me, and that its like you can knock but nobody is home. My soul just feels vacant. My heart is a mess, causing emotions that I don't know how to handle other than stuffing my face with pizza and candy and staring blankly at the same four walls. Guilt eats me up most of all.
SO is upset, as he should be. He said he knew I was struggling but didn't know it was to this extent, he didn't know that I could ever literally use the word "resent" when it comes to his child. He said he doesn't know what to think right now. Still, even after my meltdown, he let it be known that its up to me... I can leave or stay, because only I know what I can handle. I told him lets just take a few days to think about things. I wish I could cry, but its like I can't. Like I said, I just feel numb.
Its not that the child is the most horrible child on the planet or anything, though he can be really rough on the nerves. Sometimes I look at him and can't help but smile, cause he looks just like his dad and its really cute. But I have these fantasies of a fresh start, independence, getting in touch with myself, living life for myself, no obligations, freedom to be me, a relationship where its just us two until the day (if) I want bio kids, no chains....
Because as much as I love this person, sometimes I correlate our relationship with a picture of a girl on puppet strings. Its not that he's abusive, its not that he's a bad man. Its the fact that I. am. suffocating.
I am so unhappy with my day to day life and no desire to try even though I love this person. Why is that? I don't want to try anymore but I really, really do love this person. Something is just missing. Something just isn't right.
I never thought i'd be saying all of this right now because I know what its like to feel deeply lonely... and now i actually WANT to be single? I want to risk those lonely nights like I experienced 4 years ago? Very strange.
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Comments
Sounds like it's over. Not
Sounds like it's over. Not everything lasts forever.
After your melt down he told
After your melt down he told you it was up to you if you stayed or left. He didn't ask you to stay. He didn't ask what he could do to make things better for you. He didn't ask you to work on it together. I think all of that tells you a lot.
You need to go to therapy for yourself. See if you can learn to understand all of your different feelings. It also sounds like you might be depressed.
This is a cliche - but it really works. Try and get some exercise. It will help clear your head and for many people can be as helpful as antidepressants. And if you need antidepressants to get you through the bad time - that is ok too.
Well in all fairness, he did
Well in all fairness, he did ask what could he do, but its like he asks that question a little too late. I wish he didn't wait until I'm at a breaking point. And I wish he could make an effort to try new things to make everyone a little more comfortable without me having to completely spell it out for him, as that causes more stress too. Still, perhaps its at a point where there's not much he can do, as its like my mind and heart just won't budge about this anymore. I've lost all faith in being happy in this situation even though I dearly love him. Its strange how you can love someone but then still not want to try anymore. Then you're the bad guy because people fall into this whole "Oh well if you REALLY love someone, you keep trying no matter what, no matter how bad things get." And my leaving would be entirely on me because he's given me the chance to stop it, he keeps asking "Are you really SURE you want this to end?"
I think it would be easier if he would stop giving me the option and just agree that this isn't healthy for me or him.
Thank you, I am going to try to practice a little yoga each day and get moving a bit. I'll also look at maybe getting on antidepressants at least for a little while if things just get to be too much.
Its been two years, not four.
Its been two years, not four. Sorry if I caused any confusion about that somewhere along the way. Still, two years is a fairly long time, and of course we have built memories that matter to us both. I am in my late 20's so yes, there is the possibility of someone else coming along who captures my attention but also has a kid (or many kids). I would like to think that after this ordeal, I would let those opportunities pass. You're absolutely right that any future skids could be much worse. I would say on a scale of 1-10, my boyfriend's son is a solid 7.5 to an 8 with how much he can get on my nerves sometimes. But you are also correct that it could be worse (like if BM was a pain... she used to be, but not anymore) I think partially the reason I see him as "not so bad" right now is because I'm feeling a lot of guilt over the whole situation, and because I have distanced myself from him for the past several weeks. In turn though, that has meant that I have barely seen my boyfriend at all.
I know that most men truly need you to spell it out but I've gotta say it really is exhausting. It makes me angry. Like why should I spell this out, I'd like to think he would WANT to find ways to help after all this time.
I don't want him to beg me to stay, I'd rather he be on the same page with me and understand that this is a real problem for us and that its very possible we will have to ultimately split.
Why do you NEED him to agree
Why do you NEED him to agree that ending this is best for both of you???? :?
You're not happy. You are the only one responsible for your happiness. If this situation no longer works for you, leave. You don't NEED anyone's permission or stamp of approval to make a decision about your life.
I just meant it would make me
I just meant it would make me feel a little less guilty if he was on the same page. But he's not, he still sees it as something I can just get over with time.
You've been in this
You've been in this indecisive state for quite a while now. It seems to be getting even more emotionally/mentally unhealthy for you. You mentioned about a month ago "I'd rather stay at my home with my dogs and a good book than go and spend the weekend at his house " [SO's house].
Why not do that for a while. Stay away for a while and do so with the understanding that SO may not wait around for you to continue to try and make up your mind. I know you love the man when it's just thoughts of solely the man, but that's not who the man really is. He's a parent and a father and this kid isn't going to disappear. There's a least another 12yrs of child support, weekend visitations, possibility of fulltime custody if anything happened to the mother... and none of that begins to touch the original dreams you had of having the birth of a child as a 'first' experience together.
You're young, your smart and you have the potential to find and live the life with a man of your dreams. This one isn't him and you don't have to settle. It appears even your sleeping dreams are telling you all this.
Distance yourself. Take a break to think without any pressure. Try counseling for yourself if you think it may help you sort your thoughts. If you're already struggling to this extent in this relationship barely over a year in, it's time to step back. The way things are now isn't fair to any of you and you can't keep dragging this out. Take care of yourself first and foremost...
Thank you twoviewpoints, I am
Thank you twoviewpoints, I am going to be seeking some therapy very soon. I have a really hard time with decision making, even when I know what the right decision is. I have tried to suppress these feelings for awhile, because he's such a good person I feel like a monster for ever challenging that. I just can't shoot down my feelings anymore, its become so extremely unhealthy.
What are u looking for ?
What are u looking for ? Sympathy ? Sounds you need antidepressants and a vacation .
Oh my bad, I thought this was
Oh my bad, I thought this was a safe place to vent. Didn't know I'd be accused of seeking "sympathy". I will have to look back over the forum rules and see that I don't look like I'm seeking sympathy ever again. At least I have the courage to try to turn my situation around, I think I'm allowed to feel heartbreak over the demise of my long-term relationship that I thought was going to turn out to be my forever relationship.
You have the right to post
You have the right to post anything you want . In return , I have the right to tell you that your post sounds like you are one of these always complaining whiny victims who are so terribly unhappy and never do anything about it . Am I right ? I'm sure I am . Good luck and seek help for yourself .
Never do anything about it?
Never do anything about it? If I was never doing anything about it, why would I be seeking advice and help? If I was never doing anything about it, why would I be trying to resolve this situation at all?
Because I think if I was never doing anything about it, I probably wouldn't even be on this forum. I'd be choking back the Prozac and sitting back with a sick smile on my face while the little booger-eater argues back with his dad and frazzles everyone else's nerves.
But thank you for enlightening me on WHO I REALLY AM. That's SO appreciated, really. Very helpful.
Summer,I think you're
Summer,I think you're dragging this out.
Rip off the bandaid, kiss your booboo and get back on that bicycle.
It's a break up, you'll be fine!
Thank you LikeMinded, I agree
Thank you LikeMinded, I agree I have been dragging this out. I hope I'll be fine. I know I will in the long run, its just that I feel i'm being pulled in so many directions. On one hand there will be relief to be out of the situation, on the other I know I'll miss him and I don't want to have regrets. But I'll get there, one day at a time.
If you were married, I might
If you were married, I might say to try to stick it out. But you're dating...you have a chance to escape step-Hell. Please, please, please, please, please take it! Run!
BTW. Psychologists have put out numerous studies about how we overestimate the effect of a break-up. Turns out, if we're not married, we get over a break-up a whole lot faster than we think we will...and we're devastated a whole lot less than we think we'll be. So, please, don't let your assumption that this will be devastating for you keep you from doing what you need to do. You will actually be fine.
Thank you TwoOfUs, that is
Thank you TwoOfUs, that is probably what is holding me back most is the fear of regret.
Thats what I'm afraid of. For
Thats what I'm afraid of. For some reason boyfriend thinks it will be much easier on both of us when he's no longer a six year old.
True. This is what I keep
True. This is what I keep trying to tell myself.
Well I will say the tears
Well I will say the tears have finally arrived. I have been talking to my mother about it this morning when she asked would they be coming over for Sunday dinner and I just spilled the beans that we are taking a break. Her response was "Do you not love him enough to accept ******?" and "Well they say if you truly love someone you've got to accept their baggage."
WOW, thanks mom!
Goodness. Has your mother
Goodness. Has your mother always been a foolish woman?
Two years of growth and learning are never wasted. Look at how much you learned about yourself, about what you really, truly want. Look at what you've learned about what you need/want with a man you "love." Let it go. See a counselor. Get out in the sun and MOVE. Your whole life is in front of you.
She's a very sheltered woman.
She's a very sheltered woman. All she's ever really known is "settling", sad to say. I know she will support me no matter what but yeah, I really wish she hadn't said that. I still can't believe she did.
Counselling or therapy is definitely happening very soon, just gotta find someone in the area.
I'd like to shake your
I'd like to shake your mother. I don't know who she means with the "they say", but she and THEY are wrong.
This isn't your mother's life nor is it her relationship. It certainly isn't THEY ...I think she made that saying up.
Love isn't enough. No matter how much you love someone, love does not conquer all. You're 26yrs old ...do not let your mother guilt trip or pressure you. You have so much life a head of you. So many years yet to explore and discover who you are and what direction you want life to take you. I'm sure you're mother means well, but she is so very wrong. Life is just not that simple.
Thank you. She really made my
Thank you. She really made my jaw drop when she said that. Its funny because all this time I thought she'd be the one who would support this decision the most, because she's seen first-hand how hard this has been on me all this time. She did apologize later and said she just wasn't thinking, that it caught her off guard. Still hurt though.
Love is not enough. Some
Love is not enough.
Some women waste their lives because they "love" a married man. Stupid to stay.
Some women waste their lives because they "love" a man who doesn't love them. Sad.
And some women waste their lives because they "love" a man who makes them miserable. Pitiful.
Please don't waste your life.
Don't forget women who stay
Don't forget women who stay with men who beat them.
Why did you stay with him? "because I know, deep inside, he loves me."
It sounds like you already
It sounds like you already have your answer, you just don't want to accept it. Which, obviously - is very heartbreaking and it is hard. But you are not happy and it is not getting any easier on you... so it's probably time to let it go. Find yourself, then eventually, find a new guy.
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the support. I do feel like I have all the answers, I just wish I could get a little more backbone. Trying to figure out why I'm so weak when it comes to this person. I know that I will find my way out of this mess, its just not as easy to get out of as I thought it could be. While he said he just wants what is best for me, I feel that to be untrue. Otherwise he'd say something along the lines of "Honey you're miserable and while that kills me, I get it." Instead he finds very subtle ways to guilt trip me. When I tell him my honest feelings about his child, he just says something like "Oh wow... you really feel that way? Umm... thats not good.. thats not cool... this is highly upsetting..." Feels like I'm walking around in a dark fog with people all around me saying "Shame on you."
I used to be very optimistic about my future and now its like I'm not optimistic anymore whether or not it is with or without him. Wish I would have paid closer attention to all those red flags before things got this far.