Haven't been here in awhile, I have a (heartbreaking) update
So as the title says, it's been awhile since I've been on steptalk. Last time was at the beginning of this year. Back then, I was basically of the belief that one of the biggest reasons I wasn't willing to move forward in my relationship was because of my boyfriend's challenging 6 year old son. The stress was tormenting me, and we would go through a vicious cycle of contemplating a breakup, then deciding that we will work on it, then contemplating a breakup again. I actually did break up with him for a few weeks over the summer but I ended up going back. I stayed very unhappy despite loving him so much. I got depressed again and lost all ability to want to make an effort. Still, he stayed, with the belief that we would work it all out eventually. The storm would pass eventually. Now, looking back, I feel like the child was the least of our problems. The disconnection is what ultimately killed us. And I feel so responsible because I just stopped trying. I did something that I am SO not proud of... I broke up with him again the day after his birthday. I was just so overcome with emotion and felt like I was suffocating under the weight of the relationship. He begged me not to do it. But I did.
We talked again a week later and he was having a hard go of it. I was too. I was still so uncertain about so much but I missed him so fucking much. Our conversation that day ended with he and I exchanging "I love yous". In fact, his exact words were "I love you so so much. More than you'll ever know." (ALL of this took place throughout the month of October.
About 3 weeks passed and I took the time to really, really think about everything. I started a new job and began actively taking my steps to pull my life together. Then it hit me... I wanted him back. I wanted him back so badly. But I had a bad feeling about reaching out to him again and did NOT want to put he or I either one through any more mental torment... So I waited it out, decided to sit with those feelings for awhile before doing anything drastic. As the days passed, I wanted him back more and more. I was taking responsibility for my part in the relationship's demise and I wanted to fix it. Then I had this awful gut feeling about reaching out to him again.. and unfortunately, I found out the reason why. He had begun seeing someone else.
I lost my mind the night I found out (earlier this week). I cussed him out, cried myself sick.. I did it all. I asked him how he could just get over me and "us" that fast when just weeks ago he was still in favor of us being together and saying that he loves me more than I could ever know? He acted like an entirely different person, said he had been engaging in hobbies again and was doing good, and that yes he was seeing someone.
It feels like the breath has been knocked out of me entirely. Maybe i seem selfish right now, but I wanted him back. And now I'm too late. My best friend is gone. I feel like I've lost the true love of my life and it's all my fault. I don't know that I will ever be able to experience that kind of love again. Before all of our issues settled in, we had a relationship that everyone envied. He was always on Facebook boasting about how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how I was the true love of his life. Even the day right before our breakup he had shared a Facebook memory that was a picture of us two years ago and he has captioned it "this girl is the true love of my life." .. he shared the memory and wrote out "Still true to this day." ... now a month later, he has a new girlfriend.
I feel like I've really fucked my life up. I am devastated beyond words, and I'd give anything for a do-over. I don't know how to cope with this level of heartbreak. I don't know where to go from here. He acted as if he is entirely over me. How? How could that be? I'm the one who broke up with him, and I'm dying over here. How can he just forget me like that? Maybe I deserved it for the way I checked out during our relationship. Now it's too little, too late.
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Here. Read this.
Here. Read this. https://markmanson.net/love It may help. It was life changing for me
I'm with you! I watched my
I'm with you!
I watched my Mom date a guy for 10 years. They'd break up, get back together, break up, back together, it was nuts. He actually got married twice during the break ups.
They never lived together, she wouldn't but he was always around.
She said they never worked out thier problems, so when they'd fight instead of working it out they'd break up. Then the fight didn't matter so much, they missed each other and got back together. Before long the old fight started and around we go again!
It taught me to work out a problem or move on, I've never broken up with someone and gone back. When I'm done, I'm done for good.
There's a big difference
There's a big difference between wanting to be with someone and not wanting to be alone. You are both miserable together so your problem is that you don't want to be alone so you need to figure out why you keep telling yourself he makes you happy when you know from experience he doesn't.
This is the best thing for
This is the best thing for you if you think about it. You did want to end it on many occasions and failed. Finally you got the nerve to do so and went through with it. However, when you were about to do something really stupid like go back to him, you were hit with a blessing. That woman he is seeing is the blessing. Now it will give you the real courage to truly leave. He may not even end up with her but if he does, SHE is the one whom will deal with his child, not you.
This is a blessing!
By this time next year you will be doing so much better without this man and his child in your life. Right now it's going to hurt but I promise, in time, you will come out of the fog.
There is nothing like being
There is nothing like being rejected by someone you didn't really want but you mistakenly think you want when that person has moved on. Been there, done that, with my ex-husband. I really wasn't in love with him, and we didn't have a great relationship, but when he cheated on me and left for someone else, he was all I could think about! We actually did have the chance to consider getting back together, and it only took one night for me to remember why I didn't really love being with him before I did something stupid like get back together with him. I had no idea where my life was going. About a month later, at age 29, I met my DH, the TRUE love of my life. We've been together for 18 years now, married for 17, have two handsome sons, 15 and 9, and I truly could not be happier, and can hardly remember (or imagine) my life with anyone else.
I think you already know this relationship was not right. I think him finding someone else was a GOOD thing in the long run. All you need to do is have your bruised ego weather this storm and move on. For starters, go back and read parts of your last blog to remind yourself how you felt when you were with him:
"I am so unhappy with my day to day life and no desire to try even though I love this person. Why is that? I don't want to try anymore but I really, really do love this person. Something is just missing. Something just isn't right.
I never thought i'd be saying all of this right now because I know what its like to feel deeply lonely... and now i actually WANT to be single? I want to risk those lonely nights like I experienced 4 years ago? Very strange."
Read this over and over as much as you need to. And remember, this, too, shall pass. Good luck!
I am where you are at right
I am where you are at right now. The so called love of my life found a new girlfriend three weeks after our 4 1/2 year relationship. It is easier for men to move on. Many cannot be alone. Don't take it personally. He is giving you a gift. Now you will be forced to move on. It's over.
You can find someone too if your try. I will say though it's easier for men to find a good woman in my opinion as there are just more good women out there than good men. Or so it seems.
Things will get better. Give yourself some time to grieve the relationship and then get back out there and start dating. You were not happy in that relationship. You are better off without him. And trust me this new woman will have the same issues with him that you did. He and his child won't change.
Also one other thought. You
Also one other thought. You did not make a mistake by breaking up with him. Your choice was correct. You did not f up your life. You are making it better. You don't need him.
I know this hurts like heck,
I know this hurts like heck, but it's for the best.
You weren't happy and you knew that. You tried to leave, but fear of life without him led you back time and time again. Now there's no going back, and that's a good thing.
I know you're hurting and you miss him. That's okay. And, no, he didn't replace you so quickly. This could be a rebound, or maybe not. Someone who doesn't want to be alone will go out and date and settle for less in order to have someone, anyone.
If this man is the love of your life, then everything will work out down the road. But it is not going to be the short-term. As life has smacked you over the head with - things do not change in the short-term. Every time you broke up and got back together, nothing changed.
If the things in the relationship that made you unhappy are to change, it will take a year or more. Use that time to let go and grieve, and then start focusing on yourself and making your life a happy one all on your own. When you are not scared of being alone, that's when you get out and start dating again. If you're happy and emotionally healthy, you will attract someone like that. If you're scared and looking for a hole to fill, you'll find someone dysfunctional. Like attracts like.
Picture your ideal man, and turn yourself into the female version of him. Confident, happy, loving, secure, etc.
I'm sorry for your pain, but remember that life is showing you that this is nto the right time for you and him, and maybe it will never be the right time. There is nothing else to do except make the best of it and start worrying about you and what you're doing and how you feel. Let him go, really and truly. If it's meant to be, you'll find out in the distant future.
Its ok to be heartbroken, but
Its ok to be heartbroken, but it doesnt mean he was Mr. Right. You already knew that. Look at this as a gift to move on. Good Luck!!!
As they say and rightfully
As they say and rightfully so: "This too, shall pass." I guarantee you it will.