I feel terrible, just terrible
yes, this is a/b my ex. I am still grieving the breakup. It's been 5 weeks of NC and I am in a better place than where I was 5 weeks ago, but some days are better than others.
Anyway, I feel terrible because during the breakup, I lashed out and said some really mean things because I was so mad. I didn't yell, but I told him in a voicemail that he is a terrible father and he is causing sibling rivalry by how he favors one child, and constantly criticizes the other one. It was always so heartbreaking for me to see him do this to his kids. I just had enough and let it out the night of the breakup. I also sent him a SMS that night with an attachment. The attachment had an Internet article on how parents who play favorites are causing damage to their kids relationship and how it will carry over into their adulthood. I also called his 5 year old, the favorite child, "coddled" and I said he acts like a 3 year old. And I added that his 5 year old is becoming a liar (which is true).
He called me soonafter and told me to stay the hell away from him and his kids. And if I ever contact him again, he is going to the authorities and getting a restraining order. And a mutual friend said he got a new number, just to ensure I would never call him again. OMG, he really hates me!!!
5 weeks later, I feel bad for saying what I said. Who am I to judge. He is trying to get his 6 year old (the non favored child) more often and recently spent 3k on a lawyer to get the ball rolling. Maybe he just shows his love for each child differently and taking the non favored child's mother to court for more visitation is his way to show the love. I don't know, I just feel bad.
Everyone says ill advised
Everyone says ill advised things when they are breaking up - no-one has a totally civilised separation, we are not angels. It sounds as though the things you said had some basis in fact, because you say your ex has tried to right the balance by having his non favoured child more often. So some good may have come out of your telling him some home truths, even though he now blames you and is being very hostile.
It may be that in time you will be able to re-establish some civil contact with your ex, if that is what you want, but it is too soon now, and I would advise you to leave well alone for a period of time. After I left my exH (to whom I had been married for 24 years) I eventually, after some months, called him to say hello, and over a couple of years we have re-established friendly relations. It takes time, though.
Thank u for your kind words.
Thank u for your kind words. And yes, my ex is aware of how he treats them differently. I once said something to him about it in a nice way and he is aware. he said he believes he treats them differently because of the type of relationship he has with their mothers. He can't stand the non-favored child's mom, thus, takes out his frustrations on the child.
Everyone gives me the HOW-
Everyone gives me the HOW- DARE- You comments when they hear I insulted his parenting and basically called his youngest a brat. Which is one reason I feel so bad a/b out saying what I said.
But you are right - I stood up for a 6 year old. I hope he does make some changes in how he treats him, especially since he is going to see him 15 days/month instead of 8 days/month....if he wins in court.
My sister has 2 kids that are the same age as the boyfriend's kids. She told me that if someone ever said something like that about her parenting, and if she knew deep down that it was true, she would really reflect on what was said and make appropriate changes. So yes, the fact that he changed his number and wants absolutely nothing to do with me, definitely proves that he thinks I am nuts. Which also hurts. I wasn't there all the time,maybe he was more nurturing when I wasn't there and I just never witnessed it? All these things are now bouncing through my head.
And in all honesty - his non favored child is PERFCT. Soooo well behaved, has excellent manners and is just a good kid. I wonder if it's because his dad is so strict with him. So maybe it's not such a bad thing?
The 5 year old is a little brat. He fake falls alll the time, lays there and cries.... and blames his brother for causing the fall. And then his dad babies him and blames big brother. He can't sleep unless dad lays next to him, etc.
He wasn't my husband. Just a
He wasn't my husband. Just a gf here.
And I guess I'll never know if my harsh VM lead to any good.
see that's the thing... If
see that's the thing... If what I said was true. This is where I'm second guessing myself.
He must love the kids a lot, otherwise, he wouldn't take the BM to court for more visitation.
And I don't know how treats the 6 yo I'm not around. Maybe he is more loving to him when I'm not there.
By him changing his number, I feel like I was way off on my assessment. And maybe I'm too emotional when it comes to kids, because I had a very poor relationship with my father and am hypersensitive to dad's who control their kids via belittling.
I do remember leaving his house on a few occasions and feeling sick over how he treats his kids differently. And I would tell my mom, and she would get mad that I was in the shoes I was in. So maybe I'm not off the chart here. But who knows wha used to happen when I wasn't there. The 6 yo doesn't seem scared of him or cry. But he does put his head down when his dad is on him about something. And he just takes it, no mouthing off, no tantrums. Pretty mature kid.
Also and this is random:
When bf and I were friends and not dating, he told me how he got BM pregnant the 2nd month of dating her and how they slept together the first date, etc. He married her 6 months after their first date because she was pregnant. Their marriage lasted 2 years. And he told me this story around 1.5 years post-divorce.
But now it's been 3 years post divorce. He and BM are now best friends. When I once nicely broached the topic up of how he treats his kids differently, he said something along the lines of....well, the 6 yo wasn't planned and I was not in a relationship with his mom. It was just sex. But the 5 yo was planned. Thus, another reason for the difference in the relationships he was with both kids.
WTF. Did he purposely get her pregnant? Or is he is denial that NO, golden child was not planned?
Leftfield - him spending
Leftfield - him spending money to take a woman you're saying he HATES to court does not prove he loves his son - it proves he hates his ex. If he knows he takes out his frustrations on the 6yo, his taking her to court for more time isn't going to do the kid any good, it's just going to put him in a position to be abused more often. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just super pissed at his ex about something and is doing this to get to her or your words hit such a nerve that this is his way of "proving" he's a good father - cause really, he who spends the most money is the best parent.
You need to stop doubting yourself. You saw what he did to this kid, why are you questioning that now? Because he changed his number? He sounds like an incredibly insecure person. He's upset because you told him the truth (and you did) and he didn't like it. This man has some major issues he doesn't want to own up to. This is not on you, this is not your problem. All you need to be taking away from this is don't date another man with kids, not that you're nuts, no matter what he thinks. There's an awful lot of guys out there that think their ex's are nuts just because we didn't think the guy walked on water.